Rant

There are no barbed comments on here Tigger but there is truth the most barbed comment comes from the original post when she talks of her daughter in law being pregnant and having a cold ..the 'poor girl' is said with more than a hint of sarcasm

When your child marries or moves in with his chosen partner you ARE no longer first in his life and that's how it should be you cannot be his first any more and if you were the marriage wouldnt last Parents have to be very unselfish you bring your child up, you would stave, or take a bullet for them but the day they move into a full relationship your work is over unless you are asked
You also unfortunately can't make your son work in your business however tidy and convienent to both parties that might be, it's his choice who he works for
The only thing left to say is make a friend of your daughter in law your son is protecting her as he should and you are putting him in a very uncomfortable position, love shouldn't have to be a competition

I just wanted to sleep throughout my first pregnancy; I felt so tired all the time.

GrannyPiggy of course your DS loves you, but he has other loves as well. As far as his partner is concerned all you can ask is does she love him? If she does and they are building a life together you should do all you can to support this life. If she doesn't you'll find out soon enough and there is very little you can do about that. Just keep in mind that he will need a family when you are no longer there to love him and be grateful he has found someone. She may not be perfect but few of us are.

I don't think the comments are barbed - blunt maybe, but not barbed. From my point of view, anything that can be said that will help to prevent a family breakdown here is helpful. It would be such a shame if contact was broken off when there is so much potential for everyone to be happy: son has a lovely new life; a new baby is on the way.

I am sure that jings never ever made barbed comments!

There has to be a bit of give and take on both sides, it's hard but you don't want to alienate your nearest and dearest, I had to do a fair amount of tongue biting but it all came good GrannyPiggy.

She probably is tired, I can remember being exhausted in the first trimester with both of mine, and a cold on top. Poor girl. Do you want a relationship with your new grandchild? If so you need to immediately start trying to rectify this awful problem you have with its mother. Your son has responsibilities elsewhere now and no wonder he doesn't pop in, everything you have posted about him and his new family is pretty negative. Don't be THAT sort of MIL, bite your tongue, fix on a smile and try to adapt to new ways

Sorry to say grannypiggy but that's often the way it is. I felt snubbed when my son once told me his wife and children had to come first, but he was right.

I've learned my lesson and he was man enough to tell me, politely, without pussy-footing around and when I'd had a good think about it I was proud of him for saying it. I know he didn't fnd it easy as we have a very close and loving relationship.

That was a long time ago and we're still very close but in a different way.

I understand that you need help around the farm. Perhaps you could tell him understand and you realise he had different priorities now, especially as he's going to be a father. Are you in a position to take on someone else part-time to help with the heavy work in the short term, maybe someone whose thinking of going to agricultural college and would value the experience?

Merlot is right about farms and families!

I am afraid I agree with Aggie. I haven't been able to fix anything up with my son spontaneously since he married. He always has to check with wife first but isn't this the way it should be? I would far rather her put her first than us after all hopefully she is going to be around a lot longer than us and we had the pleasure of a loving son for 32 years.

What's happened to some of you gransnetters which generates such barbed comments these days. Bring back jinglebellfrocks asap - that's what I say.

Why should he spend time on your farm? Why should she conform you your ways? Pregnancy is hard and exhausting. Considering he assisted in placing the baby in her he should most certainly prioritise making her feel better over appeasing you.
If he's such a disappointment to you why should he bother with you at all?

Call and apologise. Ask how you can help is there anything she would like? Ginger biscuits? Have they got food in or can you bring over some dinner that you could all share?
Can you take their Son out so they can have a day together?

To put it as bluntly as possible if you what any sort of relationship with this baby you need to fix the dmanage asap.

Granny piggy you are not wrong at all, just perfectly natural reaction to the situation. Unfortunately, this is how it is with sons, some partners see Mums' as a threat. I recall my second son who lived over 100 miles away coming up to stay with his brother who only lived around the corner from us. Only discovered it by accident and can't tell you how much it hurt. Best thing, back off, take the pressure off him and it could all work out for all of you.

I have always said that jokes about MILs are always about men's MILs but in real life the troubles are always about women's MILs.
everything said in the above mails is real unfortunately and you need to soften up.

We all get downgraded, that is life, even on a farm.

One minute I was a hot chick, then a broody hen, now I am an old broiler.

My boys are exactly the same and it is natural. So at least you haven't raised a freak.

OP you've opened your heart here and I hope you're not too bruised by the responses. They are well meant.
I would only add that I was saddened to see you've told DS you're disappointed in him. That must have stung them both. Try to convince yourself and then them that you're actually proud of him. Proud that he has made a new family, that he stands by them, that he is an honest upright person etc. If possible apologise for saying you were disappointed and explain it's just the pain of missing him a bit after a lifetime of being together. I too have realised my son would defend me over his wife if it ever came to that and have had to tell myself that it's only right, however much it hurts me. I'd want my husband to defend me if his mother upset me. You have raised a lovely son who instinctively knows how to be a good husband. Well done.

lastly, if possible engage extra help on the farm.

Accept that you now are relegated in the pecking order. Having accepted this, go to enormous lengths to find positive things about your daughter in law and drop them into conversations with your son. I have one d in l who is easy to get along with and one who takes a bit more effort. However, getting along with both keeps everyone happy, even if it does mean biting ones tongue and turning a blind eye.

I've learned with both my sons that it is best to accept and enjoy the time I do have with them and understand that they have their lives now. I remember back to the times when I was their age, starting out in a new relationship and having my babies. My mother-in-law was always very good and didn't interfere, which I appreciated and I loved her for it, we still have a good relationship even though I am no longer married to her son!

It is hard when they first leave home and you realise they are grown up, but if you allow him to live his life he won't be very far away from you in terms of distance or affection.

Grannypiggy
We had similar problems with my MIL who was always on at us to come down and stay. We lived in Wendover Bucks at the time and she lived in Buckfastleigh in Devon!! It was at least a 6 hour drive. She irritated the hell out of me but when I was pregnant in the very hot summer of 1976 I realised that she was there for us both. I was very houseproud, as indeed she was, and after a long and rather tearful (me)telephone conversation I really unloaded how fed up I was not being able to keep the house spotless. A few days later I received a cheque and a letter. She had researched the cost of cleaners in our area and sent me a cheque each month. She said that by the time DS was 6 months old I would feel much better and be able to do more. From that moment on, I worshipped the ground she walked on!
I wonder if your DIL is feeling a little insecure - a small but significant shower of affection might work wonders. Just a thought.

It hurts doesn't it! There's nothing you can do except keep your own council at all costs. It takes some time to get used to the idea that your child is completely independent of you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love. It probably means you did a good job of bringing him up. He knows it's his duty and were his priorities lie. You've got a new grandchild to look forward too, so don't spoil things for yourself. I still have little pangs of sadness at not being so needed by my sons but at the same time I'm enormously proud of the husbands and fathers they've become. I think I played a small part in that and so did you. We're lucky we both reared good sons.

Sorry Grannypiggy I m not going to be any more encouraging of you than others You are in the wrong and making an awful rod Kids don't owe us they are lent to us for a very short period you should be so proud he has moved on from your apron strings You don't say his age but I m guessing not that young as he was in business with your husband, you ve actually shown an unfair dislike of the girlfriend in that opening post and I think you will be well on the way to losing your son altogether if you go on acting like this Let him get on with his life it's nothing to do with you now unless he chooses to make it so the more you show your disapproval the faster he will move away
So in answer to your last question YES you are being very unreasonable

I endorse that Jalima and hope that the OP will heed advice - be happy for them.

Grannypiggy You said you hadn't been on here for months - I hope you haven't been put off.

I hope that getting others' points of view has helped you to have a think and perhaps consider taking a different approach and be glad that your DS has found a girl whom he loves and a step-son whom you can welcome into your life.

I have two grown sons and yes it’s time to let go. It’s hard but for the sake of any future relationship with the couple and the expected grandchild you have to take a back seat for now.

I am afraid that YABU. Several sentences in your post cry out that you do not like her:

- "She makes no effort to fit in to our ways" - why should she? - what is it about your "ways" that take precendence?
- "I have a horrible feeling she's going to be the worlds worst pregnant person" - heavens above - cut this lass some slack - what a dreadful thing to say!
- "Every time we try to talk to them they instantly start the 'You don't like her' campaign" - who says this? What do they say? DO you like her, or are they right?
- "I've told DS its him that's disappointed me" - well do you think that is going to make him want to come and see you and donate this bit of affection that you crave!?
- of the child: "he's polite and engaging, until they come back!" - that is normal behaviour - we look after our GC regularly and they behave like angels with us but start cutting up when their parents arrive. I seem to recall something rather similar with my own children and their grandparents!

You are going to have to make a few changes I think:
- stop thinking you are right!
- start giving this lass some real support - lots of positive and loving comments.
- stop hassling your son for affection - it is a gift and not a right.
- start recognising that your son now has his own life - if you take an interest in it, make him see you are proud of him and that you acknowledge his independence and things might just be retrievable. You are on a collision course that will have you finishing up on the sad sad thread on Gransnet where those who have finished up estranged from their loved ones support each other. By the way, I am not putting any blame on those Gransnetters for their situation; just trying to flag up to this poster how painful it is when relationships are severed.

This "stay at home lad who never went out" has now got himself a life - good for him. Give him your wholehearted blessing, or it will be you who is the loser.

They have to find their own way together and it may not be the same as yours.

Don't mention families and farms.

And I agree with your last paragraph merlotgran