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(59 Posts)
GrannyPiggy Tue 25-Oct-16 12:42:02

Sorry, haven't been on here for months, no worthwhile reason just haven't
Then today after an awful falling out with DS I was trying to think who to rant to without dragging in more family members and realised I do have like minded people who can tell me how it is without emotional ties
So I'm going to vent to you (apologies in advance)
Well its a year now since DS met his online love, he was a stay at home lad who never went out and worked with his dad until very recently. I was so happy for him as he adored this lady and her 8 year old son
Within a few months they'd moved in together and we tried to make them part of the family, but...
She makes no effort to fit in to our ways, he won't help us around the farm even when asked, he wont visit on his own even if passing, he cancels on us because she needs him for something
It all sounds really petty but we feel we cant have a relationship with our son
The little boy is very demanding but we get along with him and he has accepted that if he's here he follows our rules
On the two occasions they've left him here for a few hours we've had fun and he's polite and engaging, until they come back!
Now she's pregnant, only a few weeks but I have a horrible feeling she's going to be the worlds worst pregnant person, DS cancelled again as poor girls got a cold and he needs to get home as she's too tired to look after the boy
Everytime we try to talk to them they instantly start the 'You don't like her' campaign
Ive told DS its him that's disappointed me but she keeps messaging that I'm trying to break them up
I'm really not, I just want a little of my sons affection
Am I being unreasonable?

aggie Tue 25-Oct-16 12:48:36

Oh dear ! your son has left home , he. has a new family ! You will only lose him of you don't loosen the apron strings , he will be you son but at a distance , it is normal

tanith Tue 25-Oct-16 12:50:23

Its a new relationship and sounds like your sons first serious one so its all new to him and he poor lad is finding his way and growing up and away, and I'm afraid its something you are going to have suck it up or make things worse. You have to bite your tongue and not criticise him if he runs to her side. I've been where you are with my own son and learnt that we have to let our children go and hope one day they find their way back sometimes they just don't but that's the chance we take when we have them in the first place.
flowers I do know its not easy.

Ana Tue 25-Oct-16 12:52:30


It's early days in their relationship and the young woman is probably feeling insecure at the moment. Your son has left home, leave him to it and don't pester him to help out on the farm.

When his partner sees you are no threat to her she'll come round, just be polite and carry on having the little boy when they ask. Your son's loyalties must be with his own little family now.

aggie Tue 25-Oct-16 13:01:31

I have every sympathy with you , OH used to run the family farm and things went the opposite to your experience , I had to bite my togue or walk away many times , now I am a MIL and try to be kinder to my DDIL

Mumsy Tue 25-Oct-16 13:06:50

Why should she fit in with you!? It comes across that you cant stand the woman and if we pick that up god knows how she feels!! All sounds a bit petty to me.

Jalima Tue 25-Oct-16 13:13:13

Everytime we try to talk to them they instantly start the 'You don't like her' campaign
It depends what you are trying to talk to them about!

If you are phoning up to ask how she's feeling (pregnant and miserable with a rotten cold) or how the little boy is then I don't see why he should respond with You don't like her.

I don't know how old he is, you say she is not fitting in with our ways - does she need to? Why does she have to change to adapt to your ways? Does he work with his father on the farm or does he have another job elsewhere?

Sorry, but I do think YABU

ninathenana Tue 25-Oct-16 13:21:23

That sentence puzzled me too she makes no effort to fit into our ways I can't imagine what ways they might be. Why should she ?

"A son is your son until he takes a wife" his family are his priority now.

merlotgran Tue 25-Oct-16 13:30:18

Oh dear. Families and farms. Everything is fine until the DCs get married (or similar)

You have to realise that farms can be very daunting places to outsiders. It's a way of life that might just as well be on the moon if you are not of that mindset. You say the little boy 'follows your rules'. If those rules are for his own safety then that's fine but you do come across as rather bossy.

Maybe your DS's partner is not feeling well because she is in the early stages of pregnancy. She's bound to feel tired if she is suffering from morning sickness. Cut her some slack.

This sounds as though you don't want anyone else to have your son's affection. You're going to lose him altogether if you're not careful.

Jalima Tue 25-Oct-16 14:30:45

Don't mention families and farms.

And I agree with your last paragraph merlotgran hmm

Jalima Tue 25-Oct-16 14:31:48

They have to find their own way together and it may not be the same as yours.

Luckygirl Tue 25-Oct-16 14:33:31

I am afraid that YABU. Several sentences in your post cry out that you do not like her:

- "She makes no effort to fit in to our ways" - why should she? - what is it about your "ways" that take precendence?
- "I have a horrible feeling she's going to be the worlds worst pregnant person" - heavens above - cut this lass some slack - what a dreadful thing to say!
- "Every time we try to talk to them they instantly start the 'You don't like her' campaign" - who says this? What do they say? DO you like her, or are they right?
- "I've told DS its him that's disappointed me" - well do you think that is going to make him want to come and see you and donate this bit of affection that you crave!?
- of the child: "he's polite and engaging, until they come back!" - that is normal behaviour - we look after our GC regularly and they behave like angels with us but start cutting up when their parents arrive. I seem to recall something rather similar with my own children and their grandparents!

You are going to have to make a few changes I think:
- stop thinking you are right!
- start giving this lass some real support - lots of positive and loving comments.
- stop hassling your son for affection - it is a gift and not a right.
- start recognising that your son now has his own life - if you take an interest in it, make him see you are proud of him and that you acknowledge his independence and things might just be retrievable. You are on a collision course that will have you finishing up on the sad sad thread on Gransnet where those who have finished up estranged from their loved ones support each other. By the way, I am not putting any blame on those Gransnetters for their situation; just trying to flag up to this poster how painful it is when relationships are severed.

This "stay at home lad who never went out" has now got himself a life - good for him. Give him your wholehearted blessing, or it will be you who is the loser.

DAncer66 Tue 25-Oct-16 14:38:29

I have two grown sons and yes it’s time to let go. It’s hard but for the sake of any future relationship with the couple and the expected grandchild you have to take a back seat for now.

Jalima Tue 25-Oct-16 14:40:48

Grannypiggy You said you hadn't been on here for months - I hope you haven't been put off.

I hope that getting others' points of view has helped you to have a think and perhaps consider taking a different approach and be glad that your DS has found a girl whom he loves and a step-son whom you can welcome into your life.


Luckygirl Tue 25-Oct-16 14:58:11

I endorse that Jalima and hope that the OP will heed advice - be happy for them.

BlueBelle Tue 25-Oct-16 15:23:47

Sorry Grannypiggy I m not going to be any more encouraging of you than others You are in the wrong and making an awful rod Kids don't owe us they are lent to us for a very short period you should be so proud he has moved on from your apron strings You don't say his age but I m guessing not that young as he was in business with your husband, you ve actually shown an unfair dislike of the girlfriend in that opening post and I think you will be well on the way to losing your son altogether if you go on acting like this Let him get on with his life it's nothing to do with you now unless he chooses to make it so the more you show your disapproval the faster he will move away
So in answer to your last question YES you are being very unreasonable

morethan2 Tue 25-Oct-16 16:36:20

It hurts doesn't it! There's nothing you can do except keep your own council at all costs. It takes some time to get used to the idea that your child is completely independent of you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love. It probably means you did a good job of bringing him up. He knows it's his duty and were his priorities lie. You've got a new grandchild to look forward too, so don't spoil things for yourself. I still have little pangs of sadness at not being so needed by my sons but at the same time I'm enormously proud of the husbands and fathers they've become. I think I played a small part in that and so did you. We're lucky we both reared good sons.

MinniesMum Wed 26-Oct-16 11:38:08

We had similar problems with my MIL who was always on at us to come down and stay. We lived in Wendover Bucks at the time and she lived in Buckfastleigh in Devon!! It was at least a 6 hour drive. She irritated the hell out of me but when I was pregnant in the very hot summer of 1976 I realised that she was there for us both. I was very houseproud, as indeed she was, and after a long and rather tearful (me)telephone conversation I really unloaded how fed up I was not being able to keep the house spotless. A few days later I received a cheque and a letter. She had researched the cost of cleaners in our area and sent me a cheque each month. She said that by the time DS was 6 months old I would feel much better and be able to do more. From that moment on, I worshipped the ground she walked on!
I wonder if your DIL is feeling a little insecure - a small but significant shower of affection might work wonders. Just a thought.

yummygran1 Wed 26-Oct-16 11:47:00

I've learned with both my sons that it is best to accept and enjoy the time I do have with them and understand that they have their lives now. I remember back to the times when I was their age, starting out in a new relationship and having my babies. My mother-in-law was always very good and didn't interfere, which I appreciated and I loved her for it, we still have a good relationship even though I am no longer married to her son!

It is hard when they first leave home and you realise they are grown up, but if you allow him to live his life he won't be very far away from you in terms of distance or affection.

KateG Wed 26-Oct-16 11:50:30

Accept that you now are relegated in the pecking order. Having accepted this, go to enormous lengths to find positive things about your daughter in law and drop them into conversations with your son. I have one d in l who is easy to get along with and one who takes a bit more effort. However, getting along with both keeps everyone happy, even if it does mean biting ones tongue and turning a blind eye.

br0adwater Wed 26-Oct-16 12:04:50

OP you've opened your heart here and I hope you're not too bruised by the responses. They are well meant.
I would only add that I was saddened to see you've told DS you're disappointed in him. That must have stung them both. Try to convince yourself and then them that you're actually proud of him. Proud that he has made a new family, that he stands by them, that he is an honest upright person etc. If possible apologise for saying you were disappointed and explain it's just the pain of missing him a bit after a lifetime of being together. I too have realised my son would defend me over his wife if it ever came to that and have had to tell myself that it's only right, however much it hurts me. I'd want my husband to defend me if his mother upset me. You have raised a lovely son who instinctively knows how to be a good husband. Well done.

lastly, if possible engage extra help on the farm.

radicalnan Wed 26-Oct-16 12:08:08

We all get downgraded, that is life, even on a farm.

One minute I was a hot chick, then a broody hen, now I am an old broiler.

My boys are exactly the same and it is natural. So at least you haven't raised a freak.

amt101 Wed 26-Oct-16 12:10:45

I have always said that jokes about MILs are always about men's MILs but in real life the troubles are always about women's MILs.
everything said in the above mails is real unfortunately and you need to soften up.

tigger Wed 26-Oct-16 12:11:19

Granny piggy you are not wrong at all, just perfectly natural reaction to the situation. Unfortunately, this is how it is with sons, some partners see Mums' as a threat. I recall my second son who lived over 100 miles away coming up to stay with his brother who only lived around the corner from us. Only discovered it by accident and can't tell you how much it hurt. Best thing, back off, take the pressure off him and it could all work out for all of you.

Bibbity Wed 26-Oct-16 12:14:57

Why should he spend time on your farm? Why should she conform you your ways? Pregnancy is hard and exhausting. Considering he assisted in placing the baby in her he should most certainly prioritise making her feel better over appeasing you.
If he's such a disappointment to you why should he bother with you at all?

Call and apologise. Ask how you can help is there anything she would like? Ginger biscuits? Have they got food in or can you bring over some dinner that you could all share?
Can you take their Son out so they can have a day together?

To put it as bluntly as possible if you what any sort of relationship with this baby you need to fix the dmanage asap.