Gransnet forums


I'm a bit puzzled/confused

(14 Posts)
Katek Wed 14-Dec-16 15:59:00

Since ds/dil were married almost ten years ago we have always exchanged a small gift with her mother at Xmas. When I say small, that's what I mean-for instance this year I have bought her a jar of beautifully presented home made jam from the local craft fair. Cost all of £3-it's what Scots would call a minding, just a little gift at a special time.

This morning, however, I got an email from her which, in the first sentence, said that she thought we should stop exchanging gifts. No preamble at all and then she moved on to discuss our mutual dgs so nothing acrimonious surrounds this. I'm just puzzled as to why after a decade this small exchange of gifts should be brought to a close. I quite enjoyed buying something for her as I find her a very pleasant woman. What do I do the jam myself?

tanith Wed 14-Dec-16 16:05:17

I wouldn't take personally, perhaps she has decided as many of us have to really cut back on present giving and even though its only a token she has let you know so that she isn't embarrassed by receiving your gift without reciprocating. It maybe that she buys quite few token gifts and you are just one of quite few.
Eat the jam and enjoy but don't let it spoil a pleasant acquaintance at Christmas time.

Luckygirl Wed 14-Dec-16 16:08:25

Not a problem I would say - just go with the flow.

ninathenana Wed 14-Dec-16 16:45:44

One less thing to think about tchsmile

Katek Wed 14-Dec-16 23:00:45

I shall have the jam on Xmas morning-a present to me from me!

JackyB Thu 15-Dec-16 06:42:07

We stopped exchanging gifts with the other grandparents quite early on, and instead go to a local gig or something together in January or February. 2017 we have looked at a comic act who are performing in our village, this year an a capella group, last year a chansonnier. We have similar taste and enjoy a drink beforehand to compare Christmas photos and have a chat and plan our visits over the year, as the mutual DGS is in America.

thatbags Thu 15-Dec-16 07:12:06

Yes, eat the jam yourself, or give it to someone else at an appropriate moment. I have a friend who gives me a jar of chutney for my birthday. I love it.

I think a good number of people are beginning to feel the gift exchanges at xmas are getting out of hand and that they just want it all to calm down. In their small way, they begin by asking people who have given them gifts in the past to stop. It's a start.

The pressure is very great these days on young people (schoolkids) to give a large number of their friends a xmas present. It usen't to be like that. I think it has got out of hand over the last few decades, witness every year the stories of people getting into debt because of xmas expenditure.

Marelli Thu 15-Dec-16 07:30:50

I agree with bags. I did try to suggest this to one if my pals, who replied, 'Oh, I've already bought yours....' so it made me feel that I had to reciprocate, which I have done, but not in a big way at all.
By saying to my friends and family that I really would prefer them to donate instead to the Foodbank, and that I will be doing the same, food-wise and also by handing in a few toys, using the money I would have been spending on presents, that I've relieved them of having to buy for me. Win-win situation! tchsmile

cornergran Thu 15-Dec-16 07:43:14

We're backing away from exchanging gifts with adults and find those round us are doing the same. No negativity about it, just being pragmatic and yes, the foodbank benefitting.

grannyactivist Thu 15-Dec-16 07:44:07

bags as much as thirty years ago my social work clients, who mostly didn't have two ha'pennies to rub together, would get into crippling debt to buy extravagant presents for family and friends - and weren't shy in telling me that I was mean not to do so.

I do agree that the whole gift giving is completely out of hand nowadays. My daughter in law is a teacher and she said she AND her classroom assistants are all showered with gifts at this time of year, many of them more than tokens, to the point where she's embarrassed. Her school is in a deprived area and still she feels there's an edge of competitiveness among the parents about being seen to buy 'good' gifts for the teachers. At my grandson's (private) school one of the parents suggested last year that each parent should put £10-15 pounds into a collection to buy something 'decent' for the class teacher. I was delighted to hear that my daughter gave a resounding veto to that idea.

BlueBelle Thu 15-Dec-16 07:49:04

My best friend said a while ago don't let's do presents I ve got all I need and I ve stuck to that .... but I am naughty cos I ve just bought her a Christmas cactus it was so pretty I couldn't resist it I don't want or expect anything in return and I hope she won't mind ... I know she won't cos I love her to bits

glammanana Thu 15-Dec-16 08:08:24

I'm sure your friend will love it BlueBelle who can resist a lovely Christmas Cactus I know I couldn't they are delightful.

annodomini Thu 15-Dec-16 09:20:34

Some time ago, I agreed with my two sisters not to send each other presents but gradually the presents have crept back. I've had the conversation this week with sister in NZ and agreed again to concentrate on our grandchildren. Meanwhile, our other sister has had such a hard time this year that I have decided to spoil her and her husband.

MargaretX Thu 15-Dec-16 10:00:59

Perhaps she should cut down on sugar and doesn't appreciate jam as a present. Giving things to eat as present is difficult,
take her advice and give the jam to someone needy.