Christmas jokes

Juney64 - splendid. Yes I too was "re-rudifying" en route. Many thanks.

LOL!

Oh no. Not an interruption but a highly amusing addition! I think I was 're-rudifying' as I read it!

Oops, that was probably my fault mcem - apologies. Didn't mean to interrupt.

Sorry that post followed Anya's but I skipped the whole intervening page!!!

Agreed. 8 from the Clement Clarke Moore poem plus Rudolph and Olive. However you seem to have found yet another who's had nasal surgery!! Re-nosed reindeer??

You asked so nicely Luckygirl. I've done my best to 'de-rudify'

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

December 14
My dearest darling John,
My heart melted this morning when I received a Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever thank you for thinking of me this way.
My love always, Felicity

December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift - two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Felicity

December 16
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. I really don't deserve such generosity. 3 French hens. They are just darling but you've been too kind.
All my love, Felicity

December 17
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately, Felicity

December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise - five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Felicity

December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again? These geese are huge. The neighbours are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially, Felicity

December 20
John:
What is it with you and those birds?? Seven swans a swimming? What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely, Felicity

December 21
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, sicko.
Felicity

December 22
Listen Sh**head:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And boy - do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours! Felicity

December 23
You rotten p**ck.
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been *** those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhoea. My living room is a river of sh**. The Landlord has summoned me to explain why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you! Felicity

December 24
Listen **head:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of them will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing unspeakables with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy, Felicity

December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling with things that shouldn't be fiddled with which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Felicity. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should be addressed for our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Felicity at Happy Daze Sanctuary, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Bender & Co.

Not so much a cracker joke as a cartoon for all you mad cat ladies cat lovers.

What's the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum - you just can't beat it

What's white and goes up?

A confused snowflake

What do the Royal family play at Christmas instead of musical chairs?

Game of Thrones.

OK - I'll get me coat

OK.

The 10 reindeer are Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen ( from the poem 'Twas the Night Before Christmas) and Rudolph and Olive (from Rudolph the Re-Nosed Reindeer song)

Reindeer CUPID. That' s all I thought

That's quite good

Just heard this one. What does a BHS Christmas tree look like?

.....

It has no branches! GROAN!

sunseeker my DGC's favourite Christmas joke too ie the nasty reindeer. 'Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names!'

How does King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even!

Thanks sunseeker for giving the answer. I spent a couple of hours working out why the 10th was Olive, even though you gave a clue. My OH says I have no sense of humour, not true though, I have, it just takes me a long time to get jokes

Another Christmas cracker joke:

How do you know Santa has to be a man?
- No woman would wear the same outfit year after year.

To recap, Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Donner and Blitzen. and Rudolph.

Just 2 to go.

Deep breath - Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen plus Rudolph.

The 10th is Olive - "Olive the other reindeer"

Was told this by a small child - prompted by her Dad!

Yes, Comet brings us to 8.

Okay, thanks Anya, am really interested in knowing the answer. Was Comet one?

Yes, Dasher, that's brought it to 7!

Yes, it's sort of jokey Shanda ....but there is an answer. I used to give this to HTs at this time of year as a warm up to a training session. It was funny watching them trying to get it. Only once did one group be all 10.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

Christmas Quackers - I know, terrible isn't it, but DGS thinks it's very funny.

Anya, is your question a Christmas joke? I thought there were only 8 Reindeer

Wasn't there a Dasher?

So far we have

Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen, Vixen, Dancer and Prancer. Six down, four to go.

I meant!