Taking the piss - WWYD

I don't know what was happening before with this woman's child care.

Deeda - telling thei "friend" that she has a big job coming up would be the truth - their active period is in the summer and there is a big a busy build-up to it from about now on. I think it is a good idea to use this fact as leverage. I will suggest that to DD.

I would tell her (with a smile) that she was jolly lucky that on this occasion your daughter was willing to oblige with free child care in spite of being run ragged and ask her outright what she has planned for childcare for half-term and Easter as she won't be so lucky again.

Why do we find it so hard to say no?

Perhaps you could have your DGC some days during the E
Easter holidays, then your DD could homestly say she will be working and the children not at home ?

Good idea, felice.
After all, if the friend turned up as DD was about to go out to work elsewhere, that would be the end of it. So it should be just the same if she works at home.

I think the real aim is usually patently obvious when "casual remarks" are made with intent (unless the person they are aimed at is very thick skinned).

I also think it's not your business! My kind, helpful daughter would be seriously cheesed off with me if she thought I was interfering in her choices no matter how concerned I was.

Try to bring the discussion round to this next time you see your daughter. Then have a frank talk with her. Being assertive is difficult if your daughter is so very kind and obliging but if you discuss tactics with her it will only help.

Personally I'd suggest she offers to have these children just one day a week over the holidays saying she'd like to help out more but work calls at her busy time. Then she's helping out a friend, her own children have companionship and yet she's setting boundaries.

I wonder what DDs other friends think of this? There's nothing you can do or say really but it would be helpful if another friend says something like 'blimey so and so's really taking advantage ' or similar.

Grannyknot - basically I agree with you and the chances of my saying anything are very small. My DD needs to deal with it herself. I will have a quiet chat with her when the chaos of the holidays has fully quietened, as she spoke to me about it yesterday but I could not follow it up as there were gangs of children floating around.

It does annoy me as it is hard to see DD getting worn out.

These things are all about timing Lucky so try and catch your DD when she is in a calm and quiet mood, not rushed off her feet.?

I am not sure that mentioning the falling behind with work will work, clearly this person has the skin of a Rhino and is happy to impose her kids on someone else.

I think the child minding regs is the best bet..she can't argue with those can she?

As for the sons being friends, sad though that is maybe it is a good lesson for the boy to learn that you should not be dumped on by your friends', his mother can ay your friend is welcome once/twice a week for tea and that is normal and needs to be reciprocal.

I used to work from home and noticed some friends did not consider it 'real work', calling in at very busy times despite me saying so and expecting to be fed. In the end I had to be quite assertive and actually left the house with them still sitting there!

I too used to work from home and, like TillyWhiz, found that people didn't respect that I was doing 'real work'. The biggest offenders were my elderly parents who would drop in at any time. Sometimes I would be on a conference call and
my Mum would 'join in'! I was a single parent bringing up three teenage boys and this was my sole income.

Eventually, I had to have a gentle but firm word with my parents and my Mum, bless her, did take offence for a few weeks. After she had time to think about it, she did eventually understand that I had deadlines to meet and a living to earn.

Luckygirl, maybe you could suggest to your daughter that she type out a schedule of availability and give her friend a copy? That's what I did and no-one took offence as it was written in a positive way. Your daughter's friend would have to be very brazen to ask her to babysit once she has a copy of her work schedule. It may help.

Luckygirl, if you were able to look after your DGC for even a day, DD could say, in all honesty, that she really couldn't have any other children, as she's going to be busy, and has had to organise help with her own children.

I think the child minding regs are the way forward. And start with a chat with your daughter.

I note TillyWhiz your once left the house when some friends came round. your post reminds me that I did this when I was looking after my mother who was living with me. I was being run ragged and good friends would come round and make us both a cup of tea. However some came round expecting to get the same service as I gave my mother!! So as one of these was chatting to my husband who also wasn't helping I left for town for some shopping. I imagine he made the tea.

This woman is taking the piss. She's getting a free childminder who includes food and beverages not only for her kid but for herself as well and your daughter is letting her.

Sorry but your DD needs to grow a pair and tell her no, sorry I can't take your child (use regulations as an excuse if necessary) as I'm working otherwise she will continue to be used as a doormat. Tell her as much and if she continues then it's her own fault. May sound harsh but unless she puts her foot down, this woman will continue to use her as a free childminder. The kids get a fair amount of hols over the year so she needs to stop this now. She can say that while it was lovely looking after x, unfortunately she won't be able to do that again (for Feb half term, Easter or any other extended hols) and that the woman will have to make alternative (and expensive) arrangements elsewhere. If she doesn't like it then she's no friend after all is she?

I think that unless your DD asks you to intervene you should not interfere.

The main question is - Does your DD want to continue being kind in this particular way, to this particular woman?
If yes, it's none of your business and you'll just have to lump it. If no, she needs to tell the woman it's not on, so she may be open to discussing with you, how to go about it.

I won't interfere because I do accept that principle. But it sticks in my throat to see her exploited - there are 3 children that this lady leaves with her. I know my DD is fed up with this and she needs to find a way of dealing with it - lots of useful suggestions above and I will bear those in mind when I chat with her about it if the moment seems right.

She needs to say that she wasn't getting any work done, so she is sorry but she really can't do it any more. She could also point out that working at home is still work, and she can't neglect it. Does this woman work, and would she take time off to look after someone else's children for no pay, and no pay for her work not done, either? I think not.

It is not for you to say, but you could encourage her to stand up for herself and not allow herslf to take on someone else's responsibilities to the detriment of her own - which is what she is being conned into.

Ih fir the assertiveness courses of the 70s/80s & Anne Dickson's book, "A Woman in your Own Right". I really hoped they wouldn't be need d by now. Being a doirmat is not being kind, certainly not to yourself & family. Nor should you be seeing a good reason as 'leverage' as you mention. Really reasons to justify aren't needed. Just encourage DD to practice the "broken record" statement : I'm afraid I am not able to do this again" said as if she means it. She'll never make that breakthrough if she knows you'll intervene & often people have to hit the bottom before they findthe courage to change. Been there. Good luck.

My DD is fed up with it - she has said so to me, but I was not able to pursue it as there were lots of children needing attention. If she brings it up again I will take note of all your kind suggestions.

Perhaps one way out of this is for you to have your DGC in order that they won't be around to play with the dumped ones. The friend could hardly ask your DD to have her kids if DGC are not around, could she?

lucky as your DD is fed up with it, and has said as much to you, my guess would be that it will all come to a head soon. GN is a great place for off-loading.

I'm always amazed at how people will TTP with getting others to look after their children. I had a very good friend when my children were small who would basically dump her two children on me and go off as quickly as possible after off-loading them. Mostly I didn't mind, but on one of these occasions, I soon discovered that the younger child was not at all well, and I put the poor lamb in the car, with his sister, and promptly drove them back to their mother and handed them over saying hadn't she noticed that her child was ill. It never happened again!

You could have a word with DD telling her how tired she looks and how concerned you are about her health and take it from there.

You could offer to be diplomatically ill and need DD undivided attention if it helps her out.

People will eat at your life if you let them unfortunately.