Should I expect him to help?

Leah50 dont let anyone make you feel bad about how spoil your husband ,its your marriage and like the rest of us we do what suits us ,I tell people we live in the 1950's ,my OH doesn't do dishes or washing/ironing or cook or clean either ,but if I say the carpets need shampooed he'll do them that night at bedtime and if I want somewhere decorated or even a wall knocked down and a room changed to open plan it will be done within 48 hours .We are all different and as long as you both are happy with your life thats all thats important.Wishing you and your family well for the difficult time you're facing,and hope your daughter's health improves and she gets better

Thank you all so much for your sensible advice & understanding. He at this minute is cleaning the bathroom! I did rant at him & it's worked for a little while. He's very fond of the GC but is a heavy smoker so doesn't come with me to their home very often, & smokes in our garden when they visit us. Add the fact that he doesn't like to go out,& doesn't really have friends of his own...he chooses to be deaf by the way, has discreet hearing aids he won't wear. You're quite right I've spoiled him rotten, but he's a kind, loving man who I've been married to for 50 years...not going to change now is he!

Leah50 Maybe he is the type that needs leading, write him a list in very simple terms of what you need him to do, sometimes they are scared of doing the wrong thing so to be on the safe side they do nothing. We are here for you to cry and rant too

I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter. My DiL is in a similar position with the same dreadful illness and four children. My son reacted much the same as your husband. I realised it was shock, fear and that he just wanted to block it out. Her parents let me know what was happening because they knew he was a caring loving husband and father and his behaviour was completely out of character. I hated it but I sat him down for a chat. I explained how his behaviour looked and could be interpreted and that if someone relayed that to his children without meaning to it could affect his relationship with them in the future as in "well you never did anything to help when she needed you the most" it made him change his behaviour and he thanked me and said he needed telling. I did it kindly not in a criticising way. The whole family are in complete turmoil and we're all reacting in different ways. It's easy to interpret other people's emotions in the wrong way. I think you need to have this kind of chat with your husband saying you understand his fear but you and his daughter need his support. I can understand what your going through, I am close to my DiL mother and her anguish is plain to see. My heartfelt good wishes go out to you and all your family. I hope your daughter makes a good recovery. I'm sorry if this is rambling but as you will know yourself dealing with this terrible illness is really emotional.

So sorry to hear about your daughter. I wonder, could your husband be feeling sidelined? Is there any reason he cannot go with you when you go to your daughter's instead of being left alone to brood? He can maybe find things to do there that would be helpful to the family. Just a thought.

Leah50I am sorry about your daughters illness. I do think than many men are useless when it comes to a crisis involving emotional issues. They might be able to fix a leaky tap but when it comes to something like giving moral and emotional support they fail miserably.

I would suggest that instead of confronting him verbally write a letter setting out your feelings and what support you need. I know with my OH (he has distinctly Aspergers tendencies) being a man he does not like being faced with an issue where the he has to deal with a face to face confrontation.
Be as diplomatic as you can. It's not easy when you feel really angry at his behaviour. I don't always manage the diplomatic approach, but it's worth a try.

I agree with everything that cornergran has said. I am so sorry to hear about your daughter, your husband must be worried sick but it does not help him you running after him and doing everything. What would happen if you were hospitalised? It is not helping you and it certainly is not helping him if he cannot use an ATM machine or do a supermarket shop. He may have to go with you once to find out how it works but after that with a list he should manage. He can get money from the cashier at the till when he is paying for the groceries. Rant here by all means but you need a rest or you will be fit for little.

Oh Leah, I am so sorry for your situation. You must be very worried and sound exhausted. Rant away here, there will always be someone to listen but I agree with those saying little point ranting at your husband. As you say he is also worried. If you could talk to him when you are feeling a bit less frazzled and be honest about your needs, maybe ask him what he thinks he could do and then try leaving a list. It's odd but a reality that some men just can't see what needs doing but will respond to clear instruction. If you can start small, simple things, then build on that. If he is used to you doing everything he may just not have considered the practicalities. If he has a mobile then send texts while you are away rather than using the phone. if you have an ansaphone that will pick up messages in your absence, ours has a remote access function so we can check while we are away, something like that might help practicalities. A major step but would it be possible for either you or your daughter to have a cleaner to lift some of the load? Others have made some thoughtful suggestions, I do hope there is something that will make things just a little easier, sending good wishes to you all.

No point in ranting as thats just going to cause conflict, next time you visit your sick daughter give your husband a list of things you want done whilst your away. Some men cant see what needs doing especially if youve always done everything for them.

Sorry I out that last post in the wrong bit ?

Why should NHS pay?
I went for an eye test today and was told I qualify for a free NHS eye test, which is true now I have had my big birthday?
I said I also qualify for a free eye test with them (well known high street opticians) as I pay monthly for their contact lenses which includes a free eye test. They weren't happy and tried to get me to sign the NHS form but I stuck to my guns. Reluctantly they ushered me through for the tests prior to seeing the optician. He did the necessary and then said again he wanted to put the test through on the NHS to which I refused saying I might want a second opinion elsewhere and if I do, then I have the option to get that done on the NHS.

I don't want the optician chain of shops to get paid by me and still claim on the NHS and shall be cross if they have claimed without me signing any forms. Has this happened to anyone else?

Leave him a list of what you expect him to do while you are away and make it very specific . He does sound as if he has been spoiled but you need him to step up now . So sorry to hear about your daughter xx

Why make assumptions DH is depressed etcetera when all we know is that he is deaf and been waited on hand and foot.

He could be feeling left out, jealous and ignored for all we know.

I say tell him how you feel and what you need.

After several family holidays with my Children and their partners/grand children I see how they are all very honest and direct with each other and as a result everyone has their needs met without seething in silence.

Poor man, like you he is probably devastated about your daughter, feels helpless, and on top of that, he is losing you for days at a time. I would have a coversation with him, share your sadness, say you get tired etc and tell him much it would help you, and in so doing, indirectly help your daughter, if he could do a few odd things like washing cups etc. The last thing you need is to come back and face a dirty house with piles of washing etc
How does he get on with the GCs? Could they come to you for a day or weekend so that he can participate in helping them, and leave your SIL some precious time with your daughter?

Focus on what he can do and expand. I can often find a coffee cup in a dark corner so don't focus on that. I used to leave DH an operating list when I went out with things like money ,eggs ,tip, Oxfam and came back with a hopeful mien. I also had a secret cache of money in case he forgot but he is much better and although he still insists on shopping lists he will manage money and and eggs without any effort. We divided our skills in our youth and have had to reinvent ourselves. Best of luck and hope it all turns out well for your dd.

So sorry to hear about your daughter's illness Leah, do hope she makes a full recovery soon.
If your husband has never helped in the house etc it's going to be difficult to change things and you don't need any added stress. If you start with a couple of things he can help with and go from there, paddyann had some good ideas to help too. You are both worrying about your daughter so do keep talking to each other.
Take care of yourself too

Leah, it sounds as if your husband needs to be given a list of tasks he can do to help. His inertia, however, does imply depression. Perhaps, he should see his GP or enlist the help of a friend with whom he can discuss his feelings. Some men just are not good with coping in difficult circumstances.

In the meantime, focus on your daughter's needs, as you have been doing.

I do hope that the chemo works. Hugs to you both and do rant as much as you need to.

Leah50 I'm very sad for your situation. But I'm sorry, I wouldn't be understanding to your selfish lazy *^%#€$^% of a husband. This is unforgivable behaviour.
You have obviously pandered to him your whole married life, but it stops now
No more cooking, cleaning, washing, no more money from the ATM. No more food in the house while your away caring for your poor family.
Treat him as if he doesn't exist, because obviously you don't exist to him as a wife, just a skivvy.
Apologies for being so blunt, but I'm beyond angry at the way your being treated. If it was me, I wouldn't even be going back to the house while you are caring for your daughter and family.

Good grief, never done a supermarket shop, used a ATM, PAID bills. Is this your husband you are describing or your son? I appreciate he is deaf but has he other disabilities? Sorry to sound harsh but is it any wonder he can't wash a cup.

So sorry your daughter is so unwell my best wishes to you both and her lovely family.

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's illness, this must be a terrible ordeal for you all. Could your husband be suffering from depression which is leading him to withdraw from ordinary life? If not, then he really should be supporting you at this difficult time.

I know its irritating when people just don't pick up on what we need from them even when it seems so very obvious to us! Ask him specifically to do various things before you go? Thank him for anything be has done when you get back! I know its so annoying that it is needed but in my experience, it is!

maybe he doesn't see housework as helping,could he do something practical for your daughter that would be good for him and her,maybe even just getting books from the library or sitting chatting with her or taking the children to the park .My OH is useless at housework,brilliant at DIY and gardening and looking after the car would he be able to do something along those lines that would make him feel useful in away that washing cups wouldn't?

Well, I think a bit of ranting, at him, is more than called for.

Leah50

I am so sorry to hear that your DD is unwell.

I can definitely understand your irritation at the coffee cup - a bit beyond the pale really. Rant here, and then when you feel a bit calmer, maybe you could explain to him that it is all making you rather tired and that it would help you enormously if he could do XYZ while you are at your DD's. Make a list. If he still does nothing then you are right to be cross - but maybe, if he is used to being cared for, he just needs to be told what you need - I know it seems not to need explanation and that it would be good if he worked it out for himself - but if that looks unlikely maybe you could just be totally clear what you need from him and spell it out.

I wish you lots of luck - do rant here whenever it might help!

I'm sorry to hear your daughter is so ill - you must be under a great deal of strain.

TBH, if your husband has never done a supermarket shop, used an ATM or paid a bill, and leaves your coffee cup for three days, it will be difficult to make him change his ways, but you must try.

I wouldn't keep quiet and suffer in silence, I would remind him of his responsibilities - it's not enough for him to be worried and sad.