Smoking

Its probably not very constructive (I'm a smoker too!) but I think maybe your daughter is going a bit over the top..
I gave up for two years, and I do appreciate how pervasive the smell is, but well, I can't see the fuss when you aren't smoking when you see the children.

This will no doubt sound harsh - but I simply do not accept that you can't give it up. I had been smoking for nearly thirty years and was regularly smoking 40-a-day when I gave up in the mid-nineties.

It wasn't easy, but then worthwhile things rarely are. The best advice I could give is to stop completely. There is no "cutting down". There is no controlling it with nicotine gum, patches or anything else. Just stop. Good old-fashioned "cold turkey".

It took me about three weeks before I stopped feeling nauseous, three months before I felt that I could tell people that I had stopped smoking, and three years before I genuinely felt that I had conquered it.

But I did it. I smoked my last cigarette in September 1994.

If you get out of the car, smoke, then get back in, your hair and clothes will still smell of smoke and you will have contaminated the car with it. A small amount, obviously, but this will be noticeable to a non-smoker.

Even on days when you don't smoke at all, you will be breathing out smoke residue from your lungs. Again, this will be noticeable to a non-smoker.

Those things being the case and your daughter being very keen to keep her children away from smoke contamination, I don't think you can improve the situation other than by both stopping smoking altogether.

Well done on all the cleaning and other measures you take, though. That's far more than most smokers are prepared to do.

Help is at hand......When my granddaughter was born in Canada my son said to me my dil would not be happy with us smoking...At first I thought what a cheek but I began to think back to when our own were born and we did not smoke for 10 years.....We had hypnosis cost about 500 for two....My thoughts were that we had to justify cost so we said even if tempted we could not go back on them till we recuperated cost....18 months later and we have not had any longing for a cigarette ever...Put on a few pounds but that will go...We smoked about 30 each per day so spent approx 200 per week....Just bought a new car on savings.....I cannot stress how easy this was and health is so much improved.

Sorry, not being horrible but you and your house smell! I can smell a smoker 20 paces away in the street and I once made the mistake of buying a house where the couple smoked, only in the conservatory, but I never got rid of the smell even though I scrubbed, redecorated, replaced carpets etc.
After you've left your daughters house her house will smell too. She'll have to open all the windows, spray and scrub and it will still linger. The children will smell too.
This is why she only wants you round when she is desperate.
I know I sound rude and nasty, but it is the truth.

My neighbour over the landing is a smoker and I can smell the smoke in from his hall way when his door is open and I am inside my apartment with the door closed thats how much the aroma lingers you can never get rid of it.

Perhaps your DD is trying to get you to give up. You know it's not a pleasant habit and you would be better off financially and healthier without smoking. What is more important to you smoking or your family? My MiL refuses to come to our house if it's cold/ wet as we don't allow her to smoke in the house, only at the end of the garden. She has missed a lot of family occasions, her loss.

My husband and i are both ex smokers and we now hate the smell. If anyone smokes who comes to our house they have to go up the top of the garden as i can not stand the smell in the house.
When i go shopping, one shop is next to a coffee shop and there are people outside smoking and you have to walk past them to go to the other shop. I have to hold my breath and put a tissue over my nose when passing as it makes me feel sick. I can not believe that i once was doing the same thing to others and hate myself for it!!!! Please try to give up, go to your GP they will help, that's how we did it and you will be so proud of yourselves.

I think your daughter is over the top too. With all the precautions you have in place I doubt very much that "you and your house smell". We have friends who smoke and are similarly obsessive and I never detect any trace of smoke at their house. But I also pity them coughing away and wonder why on earth they carry on

I agree with lefthanded. For the sake of family harmony, but most of all for your own health, just stop. Like her, I went cold turkey, when I was 25 and a 30 a day smoker. It was hard at first, that's undeniable - and even now I could murder a Sobranie Black Russian after a lovely meal! - but well worth it for the benefits to my health and my purse. My incentive was not wanting my future babies to be damaged by my habit - surely wanting to spend time with your grandchildren is incentive enough for you. Good luck!

With all the measures you say you are taking I think your D is way over the top. She cannot shield them from smokers in the wider world and I am not even an ex-smoker, I have never smoked so not defending myself.

Well, you might doubt that the smell is there, but there's something so awful that Madmegs daughter can't bear to have her mum and dad around. And it's obviously not risk........

You say you don't smoke when you have the gc so...you can stop. Get all the help you can, patches , dr's support etc. It will be so much better for you. My dad smoked from the age of 14 at 58 he said thats it I am stopping its costing me a fortune and you know what. He did! Good luck with it and think of your health. Maybe if you both gave it up yoh could reward yourselves everyweek with the money saved.

I'm with maggie and left handed on this .....just stop. There isn't any other way to do it - the agony is prolonged by using patches, gum, ecigs etc. Your daughter appears to be seeing this as a major issue and is unlikely to change her thinking where her children are involved. Your health will also be so much improved. What have you got to lose by trying apart from a bad habit? And just look at what you can gain!!

Hi Madmeg. Having been on both sides of this argument in my life, I can understand your feelings. Yes, you should give up smoking. You can make every excuse you want to, but the bottom line is, smoking kills. It causes illness, bad smells, bad feeling between smokers and non-smokers, and it depletes finances. My dad was a committed smoker who indulged his passion for 65 years, until he stopped at the age of 76. He had been a coal miner all his working life, and never wanted a cigarette whilst down the mine, but couldn't wait to get his hands on one at the first opportunity once he was 'up top'. Even my mother's death from lung cancer didn't deter him...if anything, he smoked even more! I was a heavy smoker too, until I saw the light, and went cold turkey from a number per day I am too embarrassed to mention, to zero, in March 1977. When my son was small, he used to go stay with my parents for two or three weeks in the school holidays, and my mum used to always wash and iron his clothes before he came home. I then used to repeat wash them several times before I could get the stink out! The point is, your daughter has the right to care for her children as she thinks best, just as you did for her. She may be using the children as leverage to get you to stop, but is that such a bad thing? Surely you would rather have the extra cash to spend on them, than a few smelly cigarettes? Surely you would rather be around to see their children too? I know there are no guarantees in life, but at least if you do your best...and nothing less than quitting totally is best!...you can hold your head up high. Please do try xx

I always said if I made it to 90, I would allow myself the odd cigarette again, after my 65 year abstinence. But if it's going to mean I won't be able to see my great-grandchildren I'll forget it I couldn't be doing with that standing out under a miserable smokers' shelter in the rain and missing all the gossip on a night out either!

You clearly expend a great deal of effort and energy in an attempt to keep your home fit for the children. You know you should stop for everyone's sake so why not divert that energy and thought into stopping?
Be determined. Investigate/try all the different help available.
Look forward to the support of your family who will appreciate your efforts both for them and for yourselves.
In the near future you can bask in the glow of their approval.
Don't try to work round the problem - set out to solve it. Good luck!

As a retired HV I agree with your daughter on this one . Such are the concerns about the risks from passive smoking that most fostering agencies would not employ people who smoke. Meeting up in the park sounds the healthiest option as long as you haven't been smoking in the car on the way there.

I worked in a children's nursery and I could smell from the children's hair if their parents smoked or not. This horrified me as my parents both smoked and so did everyone who came into my house. At work when we went to the staff room for our break you could not see your hand in front of you left by the staff in there before us. What no one knew was although since a baby I had chronic chest problems I actually had cystic fibrosis which was undiagnosed in my childhood. Even with my constant cough no family around me stopped smoking or thought it would harm me. That was in the sixties. As a teenager and adult I had difficulty going to the cinema,restaurants,bars etc because of passive smoking. My life changed when the government brought out the smoking ban in all these places. If you would throw yourself in front of a car for your grandchild then you can give up smoking. How will your daughter feel if she has to nurse you or even lose you through a smoking related illness when she hates smoking so much? Just do it for your grandchild and stop destroying your lungs. Please!

I agree with mcem. If you give up smoking think of all the money you'll save to spend on your grandchildren and all the extra years you'll live to spend time with them.

It's not easy but neither is it impossible to give up smoking. I gave up 12 years ago (patches) as my son moved to Oz with his wife and there was no way we could have afforded the air fare for visits to him (and daughter who lives in the States) if I'd continued smoking.

Do it! You have one life - use it wisely.

i gave up smoking over nine years ago [as i was going to have an op] - i'm lucky in that i can give up as and when i like as i've never been addicted.
however my guy smokes when he comes down to see me but there is no "smoking" smell in my house at all. and neither his clothes nor his breath smells of cigarettes.
both my next door neighbours smoke and, sometimes although rarely, the smoke comes in my front door when one neighbour is smoking in her porch - doesn't last for long.
two my grandaughters live with me with their mum and don't smell any cigarette smells.
my son lives in devon with my other two grandaughters and he smokes but always goes outside to smoke. there is never any cigarette smell on him or his breath either - or inside their house.
i think that perhaps the op's daughter is a bit paranoid - well done to the op to keep her house so clean although perhaps i think it's a bit over the top to do so much.
i would carry on as you are madmeg and only give up if you want to!

I don't think the grandchildren are a risk from the smell of smoke.
Plus, I wouldn't be bamboozled into giving up unless I decided to.

I'm wondering why Meg goes to all that bother to protect the children from smoke when they're so rarely at her house.

Go on, Meg, just bite the bullet! Don't think about it as giving up, more " getting rid"!
Set a date for getting rid. If there's one fag you think will be hardest to do without, ditch that immediately. Think about things you might find a problem after you're smoke free( usual ones are weight gain and stress) and plan how you're going to deal with them ( stock up on fruit & veg, practice deep breathing, make a tape/playlist of music to calm you down or cheer you up)
Plan out your first smoke free day so you're avoiding temptation, then it's " one day at a time"
You can do it!

Exactly MssAdventure. They're not exposed to the smoke itself, they don't see their GPs smoking and think it's Ok, so it can only be the smell. What else is there?

Jay Anna, "What else is there" there is a daughter who controls when OP can see their grandchildren who is not happy with them smoking.

I use to run NHS smoke stop classes and there is no set way to give up. Everyone finds their own way with the help of all the advice and support out there and willpower and determination.

OP every time you try to give up you learn something and are nearer to doing it. 3 weeks is the time it takes to get through the side effects of withdrawal from nicotine. The last week can be the worst. Nicotine is more addictive than heroin so this is not an easy task. Maybe doing it with your husband could be good but if he falls by the wayside that is not an excuse for you to smoke or vice versa. Study all the advice, look for support, prepare yourself by identifying areas of risk and think of coping strategies. Good Luck.