Young child pulling hair out

I don't think anyone has mentioned the expression 'Tearing your hair out' - it is obviously an old and well-known phrase about the manifestation of frustration.

Five year olds do like to get their own way and learning that they cannot always have it is a lesson they have to learn over time with gentle help and encouragement from DP and teacher, I think jumping the gun and seeking specialist help in the first instance is rather drastic.

she has been referred on specialist services

Regarding the playground issue, she is very determined to get her own way and can be very bossy. When here at Christmas, she was playing with her brother(7)and 2 cousins (aged 6 and 8) and had an enormous tantrum because she didn't like the role they gave her in their game. We had a glimpse of her problem with compromise.

according to DS girl (well, sister) and bossy are interchangeable.
My oldest DD liked to organise everyone and could be rather bossy, which now stands her in good stead when she has to train and organise 40 or so people.
And DGD (age 5) can still have an enormous meltdown if not given the part she thinks she is due in any make-believe game with slightly older children.

It may turn out that she does need specialist help in the future but I would think that gently, gently is the way to go at the moment, encourage friendships with other children and she needs to learn over time that she can't have everything her own way.

I think I was just feeling a bit out of my depth and insecure at secondary school. The bullying I just regarded as the girl not liking me for some reason. There was nothing more significant in my case.
I now see the hair pulling as a very mild 1950s form of self harming.

It is definitely a form of stress even if that stress isn't obvious to your child. I did it as a teenager and at a time before anyone seemed to know these sort of things. It did stop eventually even though many years later I can still put my hands on the area I pulled. Very difficult to stop though.

Just remembered (thinking back around 40 years) that another small girl pulled her hair out when the little girl who sat next to her had nits and passed them on.

This sounds exactly like my own child (who is now 40 years old). It pains me to write this but when she was 15 years old we found out that from ages 5-8 she was being sexually assaulted by a neighbour's child who was 12 years old. We involved the police and social workers (his) and my daughter was awarded £2000 in the courts. He got away scot free but was later jailed for having sex with a minor. My child used to go next door to play with his sister and that's when it happened. Please check all aspects of the little girl's movements and do not let her play unsupervised even with another child. I do hope this is not the case and I have to say that whilst these events coloured my daughter's life she is now succeeding in her chosen career.

Thanks for all your reassuring comments. My concern is that it will become a habit before too long that will be difficult to break. The GP ruled out any physical condition when they saw her yesterday and she has been referred on specialist services. Regarding the playground issue, she is very determined to get her own way and can be very bossy. When here at Christmas, she was playing with her brother(7)and 2 cousins (aged 6 and 8) and had an enormous tantrum because she didn't like the role they gave her in their game. We had a glimpse of her problem with compromise. I think there is a gap between her maturity and academic growth, which she is finding very frustrating. She is a delightful child but is demanding of attention and likes to have an adult with her when playing at home whereas her brother is very happy playing on his own. This must be a sign of insecurity although she has always had a lot of attention. She is very proud of her hair and my DIL loves it being long - my son said they were considering have it cut into a bob but this will need to be carefully managed as it would be traumatic. They will wait for advice on this. Thanks again everyone

I agree with Bluebell 100% I most definitely would not put her through moving her to another school that alone is to disruptive.

Gillybob. Crikey! Am shocked by what your parents did. It sounds a very cruel way to teach you a 'lesson'. Did they literally shave it all off .... I hope not.

I agree with annodomini, don't make a big issue out of it or the fact that she is streaking ahead at school.

Perhaps her parents should encourage friendships with other little girls in the class as I suggested above; if she is an only child she may not know how to share toys or games and to play with others. It doesn't always come naturally.

My youngest DD pulled her hair out at about the same age. We tried everything and even saw the GP who wanted her to see a child psychologist (she was a happy and well adjusted child). I took her to a barbers shop and explained how short I wanted her hair cut - she did have beautiful long blonde hair at the time - they cut her hair then did a "number 2" all over....I wrote a letter to the school explaining why we'd cut her hair so short and they were fine about it, albeit a tad shocked. She didn't pull her hair when it grew back and now she has beautiful long thick hair.... It's just not baby blonde any more

Having read through the thread, I have come to the conclusion that this child is reacting to stressful events at school. Some children (and adults) bite their nails; others suck their thumbs. When I was a kid, I used to pick my cuticles until they bled and nothing my parents could say made any difference. I grew out of it in my late teens and especially when I went to Uni. I suspect that your GD will grow out of the hair pulling, perhaps when she goes to the hairdresser for a special hairdo, sooner rather than later. If the parents make a big to-do about it, they could exacerbate the situation by making her self-conscious about her habit as, I believe, would visits to doctors and psychologists.

My DD2 did this around 6 years old. I asked why but it just seemed to be tied up with reading and writing, I didn't get very far but took her off for a haircut, chatted a lot more about school work and it stopped almost immediately. I never mentioned it to the Dr or school I think I put it alongside thumb sucking. It is more common than you might think.

I'd be more concerned about her issues in the play ground. Tell us a bit more about this.

Does she have any real friends for example?

It is not easy being more intelligent than the group of children who are supposed to be your peers. I was lucky in that I did go to a private school at primary level, small classes and a very wide range of abilities made it easier for the teachers to help me. When you can read before you ever get to school, and your reading choices are things possibly even your classmates parents have never heard of, it can lead to anxiety. Nothing to be with 'being on the spectrum' but then, that didn't exist then. You just don't fit. You have to learn to hide it, to play their games as they want, and get on with your own life at home.

I imagine the references to autistic spectrum were because of the child's social skills and difficulties playing with other children. At five she is still adjusting to school life and learning to co-operate with others, so with a bit of circle time and emphasis on playing equally with other children, she may learn to cope better.
Sometimes, in my experience, exceptionally bright children find these adjustments harder. (I can't understand why the school cannot assess her abilities!) A referral, through the school, to an educational psychologist may help if the problems continue. Hopefully, she will grow out of the habit as she settles down.

My youngest developed this habit in Year 1 or 2. I can't remember exactly because it was a small school with two year groups to a class. He was young in his year (June birthday) and was quiet and a bit shy.

Think hard about a new school. If your granddaughter is struggling with the social side of school, changing schools could make things far worse. I changed schools several times due to my dad's job and I became very shy. Making friends was hard when everyone else knew each other and friendship groups were firmly established.

My son stopped pulling his hair out because I asked him to. Maybe you and her parents could try that, if you haven't already.

It seems as if a few of us have done this in our time. Me too.
I've never confessed to it before.
I remember my Mum and a hairdresser discussing my bald patch in front of everyone and I made up a tale about it being due to tying my hair back in a too tight band.
Pulling my hair out felt like a compulsion and I did it into adult years = I think when anxious. My home life was troubled when I was a child, and I was very sensitive to the atmosphere. For me it was like a displacement activity for when I had no control over things. I don't do it now and haven't for many years.
I'm so glad that your grand daughter has loving family who notice what's going on with her and hope that you get good advice for her. Try not to worry. Listen to her and don't drive her underground with it. It's something that can be solved. Have an online hug.

I was a respite foster carer for a few years and glancing out of the window at a 12 year old girl I had staying for a short while, I noticed while she seemed to be day dreaming outside on a patio chair she was actually wrapping her long hair round her hand and was grimacing as she tried to pull a handful out. I rushed outside to stop her, (she didn't know I was watching),she had learning difficulties and speech problems and all I could do was write it down in her notes for social workers to be aware of it. I did put it down to anxiety at the time, but could do little more to help her unfortunately because she was only with me briefly.

My DD pulled her hair out when she was two or three, the health visitor and I came to the conclusion it was frustration, she was very bright but physically incapable of performing what she wanted to do. When I showed her how to write it stopped overnight.

I would suggest that she's given an IQ test because it's possible that stress is being caused by not being able to use all her abilities to their full potential

My DD did the same, also aged 5 or 6 years. It is a way of coping with stress, apparently. Very distressing for all concerned. Our GP wasn't much help but DD did grow out of it by the age of 7 or so.

I think parents should certainly go ahead with a GP visit and, preferably, a referral to psychological services. However, having said that, try to see it as being on a continuum of behaviour. We all have 'habits', particularly as children e.g. nail-biting, and it usually fades out, so try not to catastrophise about it. I would be concerned about peer relations, and this would be something to talk to a psychologist about. If the school are concerned about her, they can put her on the list for discussion with their Educational Psychologist, and you can suggest that. I would beware of anyone labelling your granddaughter super-bright as these expectations can turn around and bite you!

I agree it is a form of "self harm" probably triggered by anxiety acanthus but why is everything now a "sign of autism"?

I think it might well be a sign of anxiety and a form of self-harm which needs to be addressed. It might also be worth looking into an assessment for autism, although it sounds as if your granddaughter may be at the high-functioning end of the spectrum. We had a similar manifestation with one of our daughters who used to pull out her eyelashes and was very anxious - many years later she was diagnosed as autistic. Girls are very good at disguising autism and develop coping strategies.