Looking after Mum

Perhaps find out if there any any dementia drop ins or dementia cafes around before you go up, so if things do get difficult you've got somewhere to go for a bit of support

Good luck

Have just got back from Mum's. One not so good bit - the doctor arrived and went minutes before I got there although I arrived earlier than the window I had been told. That's useful then as she will have told him there is no problem and she is fine. Bless her she doesn't want to be a problem. Lovely receptionist will find out for me if he has prescribed anything for her. The last time they did this Boots kindly delivered it and mum was taking them, forgetting she had done so and taking another couple just in case. I feel like shouting in the doctor's ear SHE HAS ALZHEIMER'S. All those supporting someone will know how believable our relatives can be - because they believe - but you would think a doctor would understand.

Good bit was the wheelchair I have spent the last few weeks sorting out arrived with a nice man (who got the challenges) to show us how to use it. It will make a huge difference as mum is unable to even contemplate walking to the car with her walker now so it has been impossible to take her out. She did manage Christmas Day but my ability to think I had done the wrong thing kicked in hard when I saw how difficult it was for her. Getting this sorted makes me wonder, yet again, how people who have no support from family or friends manage at all let alone with a good quality of life.

TriciaF this idea is wheeled out with monotonous regularity. You have given no comparison. What percentage of people were looked after at home? What does 'most' mean? With a life expectancy for a man of 60 what percentage of 'children' were ever in the position to think about whether or not they could do this. How many elderly poor ended up in the workhouse as the only way they could get medical care. Now I have got through today I truly believe we are doing a brilliant and amazing job (until the next time I feel I have not done well enough ).

Believe me Olene, you will do fine. You will be there and you care.

GracesGranMK2, I assume you in contact with Alzheimer's Society? I am evangelical about their outreach workers.

I agree with your counter argument to Trisher's comment. Totally different!

I've had a 'good' afternoon with my mum - she only told me twice that she only has one daughter and she never visits!

Good luck with this Olene - your sister will be very grateful for the break.

I can strongly identify with your dilemma. My relationship with my mother was very far from what either of us would have wished and it was very painful to "lose" her to dementia before she actually died - there were about 2 years when she was "there but not there" and it was painful to know that, although she was sitting in front of me and was still alive, she was unable to communicate and was very demented indeed, so no chance to mend any fences. A tough time for me - I have no idea how it was for her. I was in pieces at one point as my domineering mother had turned into a pathetic demented old lady.

I do know that this is hard for you - but life is a bugger sometimes and we just have to get on with it, as you are doing - so well done.

Oh Kitty, I cannot imagine how that feels - I know I am so lucky Mum still remembers who I am although she has to reach for my name occasionally. She has 'lost' other family members though. I often think the idea that people don't remember is not a good description it is more that bits of memory are lost and that is why some strange thoughts happen. It a leap of logic with a gap in the middle so no guidance to make it go in the right direction. It must be so frightening.

I haven't been in direct contact with the Alzheimer's Society but do go on their forum. I rarely post but sometimes knowing others are dealing with the same thing - although I wish they didn't have to - helps.

Olene you have opened a very useful thread I think thank you and do come back once you are settle in over here.

Do think about making contact with the Alzheimer's Society, GracesGranMk2 I volunteer for them and I am so impressed with the help and support they can offer from practical help to good suggestions to make life easier.

Looking after my MiL some years ago I can recall a particular time when I testily asked another family member "Who takes care of the carers?".
When you have low moments whilst you are with your Mum Olene, remember that you are not only caring for her but for your sister too.
There is both sound advice & a huge amount of support to be had here...... you will always be welcomed.

Think of the very worst it could be and tick off everything that goes better than expected as a bonus. This is about you not mum, you are being a fabulous sister, give yourself credit for that.

You are also being a good daughter, favourite or not......doesn't make any difference, you are still being lovely.

Something wonderful may yet happen.........

The only way I coped with it was literally counting to 10 (in my head)

It worked most of the time.

Hopefully it won't be nearly as bad as you're expecting.

Good Luck!

For those that say I wasn't my Mums favourite, this could be due to post natal depression, difficult birth and lack of bonding. Maybe this helps with understanding.

Men who see their children being born say they bond better than with siblings that they didn't see born.

Olene does your mother resent you leaving her to live abroad and you say she was always difficult. You don't say how long you are here for but at least it has a limited time. . Go out for short periods when you can to give yourself a break as obviously your mum can be left. Take her out as well. And moan here.

Having had both my mother and my FiL with dementia, and more hands-on experience than I care to remember, I do sympathise.
People who have never lived with it often have absolutely no idea of how stressful and exhausting it can be, and often come out with doubtless well meaning platitudes.

I did a lot of 'sleepovers' with my mother and one thing I did now and then, when my patience was near breaking point, was to,pretend I'd left something in the car, go and put Bohemian Rhapsody on loud (with the windows closed!) and have a really good SCREEAAM!!!
I do recommend it!
I wish you all the best.
BTW, the Alzheimer's Society website has an excellent forum for carers called Talking Point. Whatever you are having to deal with, someone will have been there. There aren't often any easy answers, but at least you can offload to others who know exactly what it's like.
So many people just don't.

I hope that you get closer with your mum. Because my two siblings lived an hr or two's drive away all the responsibility came to me to care for mum. I really feel for your sister. I got to such a point of exhaustion that I asked for a family meeting. Happily it resulted in shared care. Unfortunately mum took it all out on me ...as they say ' people always take it out of the ones nearest & who are constantly there for them'.

As for 'undiagnosed' dementia, well that needs changing for everyone's sake. Mum was on medication for 7yrs before she died. This helped beyond words. She died last year knowing us all at the age of 98. The Memory Clinic were invaluable. Visits, advice from other professionals, lots of help from them changed mum's quality of life.

I really hope that you can swallow your own feelings about your mum ( I know how that feels as I always felt like the cuckoo in her nest). As well as your mum needing you your sister certainly will. Good luck, it won't be easy.?

Good luck Olene. I used to feel guilty because I visited out of duty. I know I was never the favourite but was the one who was there when my other siblings made no effort.

It is possible, Olene, that your mother has no idea you think you are her least favourite child. This could just be your perception of your relationship. Your sister has done a wonderful job looking after your Mum, and will continue to do so after her holiday. Just try and enjoy the time you have with your mother - hold her hand, stroke her cheek, kiss her head, shampoo her hair, play some of her favourite music. And go along with whatever she says because you can't argue with someone who has dementia.

My own darling mother had Alzheimer's and the disease actually killed her. But the love we gave her even when she was in a totally different world did calm and comfort her. She thought I was her Mummy, but who cares?

I hope your sister has a good holiday and that you can have a more tactile and peaceful time with your mother. I'm sure she loves you, and always has. So enjoy these precious moments with her, and forget about past grievances.

Good luck.

My mum had dementia. Medical advice now is to agree with the person in whatever way you can, not necessarily lying, just not putting them right. But it's hard. Those who said think of how you re helping your sister when the situation gets to you , are totally right and you can do this . But maybe you could also assess if your sister needs care workers in to help too and give her regular time out in order for her to keep going?

My mother was extremely unkind to me, but not to my two sisters, which made it worse. I longed to have a close relationship with her, but it was not to be. The only way I coped was to keep away from her. No help to you, I'm afraid. Try to distance yourself from the problem by seeing her as a person with a problem and don't make it yours. Give her a hug and tell her you love her if you can, especially if she's being mean.

It will depend on the person and the circs, but I do think 'love lies' can sometimes be the kindest way.
E.g. my FiL suddenly started asking where MiL (dead 10 years) was. We began by very gently explaining that she had died, but he would be terribly upset and cry, only to forget and ask again shortly afterwards.
So we started saying she had just gone to the shops or to see Auntie So and So. This would keep him quite happy, and because his short term memory was almost non existent by then, he never remembered that we'd said much the same before.

By contrast my mother, who was devastated when my father died after over 45 years of a happy marriage, seemed by a certain stage to have forgotten him altogether. Occasionally, if I showed her a photo, she would say very vaguely, 'Oh, yes, did he die?' and would not be at all upset when I said gently that yes, I was afraid he had.

Sorry I have not read the thread thoroughly as I'm at work.
The first thing that springs to mind is 'Mum has (undiagnosed) dementia'.

You need to get a proper diagnosis - she could have a UTI or other condition which might be treatable. Please get a medical opinion. First stop is her GP. Is there a social services Care Package in place?

Then some counselling for you maybe?

I have certainly found that having the diagnosis was a tremendous help. Sadly, when the doctor asked mum is she wanted to know what the problem was called, she said yes. She found that very hard to bear and for some time we got a lot of 'I'm not stupid' if we offered to do something - even as simple as making a cup of tea. I don't know what would have made a difference. About a year ago (she has been diagnosed for 5 years) she decided it was because of 'the bomb that went off close by' (she's 96) and seems much happier now.

A diagnosis means that people may be able to claim certain benefits. The one I didn't know I didn't know until someone from Age UK was helping me with something else was 'Council Tax - Severely mentally impaired (SMI) person discount'. If eligible it means the person who is severely mentally impaired will be exempt from council tax. This is not means tested but the council contacts the doctor. It all helps pay for a little bought in care or devises and alarms which can help.

It's not always by any means an easy matter to get a diagnosis. Some people are extremely reluctant to visit the GP, and even if you do manage to get them there, they can 'present' very well for short periods.
And it has to be said that some GPs are pretty clueless about dementia.

My mother was diagnosed some time after the symptoms became clear to us, and was told by her GP that she had Alzh, but had forgotten by the time she got home maybe 15 minutes later. While she had accepted it from the GP (in her mind = to God) she would furiously deny it if we ever tried to remind her, so we very soon stopped.

It's definitely the case that a UTI (urinary tract infection) can exacerbate symptoms considerably.

My Mum didn't have Dementia so I can't answer from that angle. I was not her favourite child - my brother being the apple of her eye - but I was the one who looked after her when she needed it. She was always difficult - I couldn't do right for doing wrong - but plodded on regardless, tried not to argue and just got on with what I needed to do.
Over time I became aware that she was taking a little time to consider what she'd said and she'd add the odd "Thank you" - usually as an afterthought. We never spoke of love, though I always assumed deep down she loved me and I felt the same way. I eventually realised that she couldn't help being how she was, it was her nature.
The night before she died we just held hands and I knew she loved me and I loved her.

My message really is to just go home and do what you need to do to make her comfortable. It will be a very short time out of your life and she needs your help.

Meant to add, what some people do before finally managing a visit to the GP, is to write beforehand giving full details of dementia-like behaviours. Typically a GP will not discuss a patient with you, but you can give this prior information, in case (as so often) the person will insist, and very likely believe, that there is nothing wrong with them - they still do all their own cooking, shopping, washing etc., even when this has maybe not been the case for some time.
What some people accompanying a person with dementia to an appointment will do, is sit slightly behind them, so they can indicate when answers are at odds with the true situation.
It is incredibly difficult and upsetting for the person in question, to have to contradict them openly.

Witzend I would say that many in the medical and caring professions, while wanting to do their best, are pretty clueless and, what is not their fault, do not seem to be offered training to cover this. I also agree that I would not mention the disease to mum but it was often on TV and, as I said, she became very defensive about the smallest of courtesies. I wonder if those of us who are, because of the sad circumstances of our loved ones, becoming more knowledgeable will be more accepting if it happens to us.

I spoke to mum's doctor on the phone before we went. She said little but was obviously aware when we went for mum's check-up. You are right about not contradicting but oh how sad it can be when nurse from the memory clinic comes and does the annual test and mum looks at me for an answer, so worried to have been put in a place that shows she is missing the information. I do say things, when she is asked the day or the month, like - the weeks seem all the same to me now I am retired and the nurse usually makes a similar 'let's get you off the hook' comment. It really is a cruel disease. I have to say that as she gets worse - quite a downhill slope in the last year - her concern has got less as she actually seems less aware that she doesn't know (I hope that makes sense).

I had a very distant relationship with my mother, but as you stated Olene, the way I overcame it was to 'love' her but not 'like' her particularly. That way, when she died I didn't feel guilty as I felt I had done my best. She never showed any great fondness towards me which, as an only child, I found hard to accept, but we can't expect to be loved by everyone I guess, and I have found plenty of lovely people who have loved me like a mother, so I am lucky.

I have one sister and she was the 'golden' girl. Rightly or wrongly, I felt I was just a baby backup! However, the golden girl upped sticks and moved to a different continent when our mother was in her seventies and had had two strokes. Who was left with the care.....?!

Looking back, I can't say I was particularly graceful about the situation and looked on it as something that had to be done and did so through gritted teeth, really. It didn't help that my mother was sound in mind but completely frustrated in body and so was a very angry person - and who can blame her?

Although dementia was not our problem, care was and you can commend yourself Olene for even giving your sister a break. Mine would announce grandly that she was coming over to look after mother for a fortnight, stay three days at the most, then go off around the country visiting friends.

When your mother has died you will be left with memories and thoughts of how you helped her, so the forthcoming time could be very precious to you in years to come.