Why does my daughter treat me this way?

I've carried on thinking about this post, the various replies, and the different ways we have of communicating with our families. I began thinking back a generation before technology was so instant and raised expectations.
My parents had to write to theirs, or go out to a public phone box to make a pre-arranged call. We'd go and visit the nearest granny every month or so for an afternoon, but the other one lived too far away. Unless they lived very close those families of yesteryear coped without hearing from each other so often. Maybe, in its way, all this instant communication is another pressure of modern life.

Just a thought, think back to when you were her age with a young family and working how often did you call your parents?

She did see you daily when you had your operation so clearly she isn't thoughtless, I think just so busy with family life and work.

I know I've worked out the best times to call one of my sons and grandchildren who live about 120 miles away and always ring at least once a week if I don't hear from them.
My other son and family live locally so I see them every week apart from the grandson thats at Uni. Its sometimes difficult as I'm still working but we've driven to see him at Uni and gone out for a meal and I'll have them over for Sunday Lunch fortnightly. Think you also have to make an effort to call them & invite them over if you want to see them. Don't dwell on it so much and find a hobby or go out with friends enjoy your own life.

I feel the same way .my daughter phones me and as soon as the hour is up she said I go to go now as after a hour it means she will have to pay for the phone call. It's really winds me up .she only wants to talk about her job .she hardly ever asks me how has my day been or how am I am feeling.as soon as I talk about what I have been doing she changes the subject.and as soon as I offer to phone her back she says I want to watch something on the television .are everybody's grown up children the same?

SandraK, When we retire and slow down, we forget just how stressful and hectic life is for the youngun's. Your son and daughter in law may not have enough time or internal resources even to give each other and their own children the attention they should have. You said yourself that you never seem to call at the right time - probably because there isn't one!

Your feelings are understandable, but in the circumstances I suggest it is for you to be sensitive and understanding to them? Except for one thing: tell your daughter that you can't afford for her to re charge your account any more. Give her a month or two's warning first.

That's a good point azie. It's true that young people tend to have hundreds of online friends and therefore spend a lot of time maintaining those relationships. In years to come I imagine sociologists and anthropologists will be recording the great shift away from 'real' relationships and interactions face to face as the need to stay in touch (for much of the day) with 'friends' they rarely see. I ask you, when did people of our age have 'hundreds' of friends, and do we REALLY need to know what they are eating/doing every single day?

It's no wonder parents are slipping down the pecking order of importance.

I grew up with a sense of duty to my parents. No guilt trips, just the notion that they loved and cared for me and loved me unconditionally. I appreciate not everyone has good or caring parents, but the notion of family was very strong. As I raised my children and worked, I also found time to share my life with my dear Mum who needed us more as she grew old. Now it would seem some children resent or avoid giving time to their parents but would drop everything for a 'friend'.

When I was busy raising my children I didn't have much time for friends. We met occasionally, not regularly because they too were immersed in family and work. My priorities were different and I am able to see my friends much more now we are all retired.

It's the way of the world, but I am not sure a life lived online is social progress. Caring more about a vague acquaintance's sleepless night than your parents' and siblings lives and welfare is a strangely skewed priority and in truth, a bloody waste of valuable, precious time. Perhaps you do appreciate and value life more when you age and become aware of your mortality. I wonder if the phone generation will ever be able to put their gadgets down and smell the roses? Little ones now have their own tablets, and parent/child interaction is likely to change in the future too, I imagine.

I am aware of the irony of discussing this with strangers as I sit at my laptop! I am however off to lunch with my friend, and know that neither of us will feel the need to check our phones when we're together.

I conclude that we may be the first generation of older people cast aside because technology and social media mean more.

I do find these family threads fascinating and also somehow comforting. I too only have sons. They are totally wrapped up in their wives and families day to day. We see them four or five times a year (they live some little distance away) by arrangement. They are both much more involved with their in laws and this does hurt. But thinking objectively, they are happy, fulfilled, independent human beings. So I'm glad of that and count my blessings.

I have only sons. The youngest, now 21, will phone us for a chat and we phone him. Speak probably about twice a week with occasional E mails as well. The other sons I tend to phone and they are happy to chat and tell me their news but don't tend to initiate phone calls.One is travelling and we communicate by E mail only. When I phone a friend with three daughters they are so chatty on the phone . Men are a different species!

I have found this thread fascinating and helpful. Thank you for starting it SandraK and I'm glad you 'very found it helpful too. Like others I had a mother to whom I wasn't that close and I tried, and thought I'd achieved, something better with my daughters. In a way I have, we talk as I and my mother would never have done. But this world they inhabit, of texting, Facebook, Face time, Instagram, Snapchat and more! I don't pretend to understand it but I can see how it preoccupies them and how it provides so many relationships to be maintained. I'd like to think I had some priority but sadly, now they're grown I'm just one of many. I notice that many of my daughters' peers are saying they don't want children because they're too much of a commitment and they get in the way of careers and having a fulfilling life!

I'm not sure If some find it easier to 'get on with their lives', is it to do with temperament or family style? I'm quite outgoing and I have interests but I am sad that I hear less than I'd like from my daughters. I try not to let it get me down but sometimes it does. I try to stay away from those thoughts and make the most of everyday, life's all too short. Sad though.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. I empathise as mine don't see me as a person but expect me to be there when it suits. I have now decided to be more selfish and 'do' my own thing. I know they love me but are so wrapped up in their busy lives they have tunnel vision. I have told them 'Don't cry for me when I am gone if you don't take the opportunity now!' It worked for a while and then it went back to being taken for granted. I brought them up with the skills to fly the nest but wish, at times, they could be homing pigeons! All the best ?

I think I would have resented the expectation to call my mother every 3 days. When the children were younger it was hard to have a genuine conversation with my husband every 3 days!

I think it was Azie who mentioned the way young people conduct relationships today is fairly superficial. My adult children tend to text me, and it's rarely to find out how I am or what I've been up to. More often than not they text to ask if I am available on certain days for babysitting duties.

It does make me feel rather redundant and unloved. I know they care, they are good children and work hard, but they see me as a fairly independent woman I think. (I divorced their father when they were young. He was a selfish man and wanted very little to do with them. ) Ironically, they are in touch with him and make arrangements to meet him for drinks and meals, etc. I feel very unneeded and unloved. There is no animosity, but the close relationship we used to have when they were younger has vanished.

They share their lives with Facebook friends. I am on Facebook and tend to find out what's happening in their lives that way.

Not only that, some of my Facebook friends have grown children who seem very open and loving. They almost gush their love for their great mothers and direct special posts their way. Mine never speak directly to me via Facebook, or even acknowledge my posts.

How strange is this, feeling out of the loop on line as well? Isn't it daft?

My feelings regarding the original post are that again we have a rather selfish or self centred young woman who rarely thinks about her mother. Like my children, she makes so little effort to include her mother in her life. I think family is precious and you have to work and make and effort to keep it together. A text is a strange indication of caring but I guess some of us have to be grateful for the odd message. I share your sadness but I am not sure how to solve the problem.

Sometimes I think I'll become distant and let them get on with it, but I know I'd be cutting off my nose to spite myself and would have even less contact with the children and grandchildren I love so much.

Fantastic support in previous threads SandraK.
It seems you felt resentful after being The-Hostess-with-the-Mostest over Christmas for 5 days. Perhaps shortening the family's Christmas stay to 2 or 3 days would suit you better?
OR maybe YOU could stay with the family this Christmas?
OR have Christmas dinner at an hotel/restaurant?
I think we have to accept messages by text nowadays, like it or not!
But... want you really want is a little chat with your daughter. So why not just tell her that? Also tell her you feel a bit down in the dumps and would very much like a regular weekly phone call (on a set day and time) and say it would be something for you to look forward to and would cheer you up. No need to be a shrinking violet...

I'm so glad you came back with an update and wish you all the best, SandraK. I was worried as your daughter has had a rough ride on here from some posters who can have no idea what she's really like. I would also take issue with some of the sweeping generalisations about "the youth of today", most of whom are just the same as most of us oldies - muddling through, trying to do their best by everyone, but only human after all.

I think you and your family come across as caring and loving, and have an awful lot going for you.

Thank you everyone so much for all your support and advice. I have learned something from everyone and it has helped me a lot. In your own way, although so many different viewpoints, you are all so right in what you've said. To answer the question about the money: I went from having nothing for 17 years, and working day and night to help while she was at Uni. 15 years ago my parents died within 2 months of one another. They had planned to spend most of what they had, but it didn't work out that way, and my life changed overnight. My daughter was brilliant at that time also.

As for the joint bank account, it is one I set up so she could have access to money if she needed it. She only uses it to recharge me if she's got something on my behalf, or to take out the money I pay for my GS's music lessons etc. I really don't mention what I've done and they have said how much they appreciate it. I'd just like to know they think of me a bit more often! They do visit at least once a month for the weekend and we have a nice time when they are here.

You are right, I must count my blessings and accept that life is like that today. I didn't have a close relationship with my mother but I think in those days people thought about things differently. Life was just as pressured - but we didn't have texts and FB.

I do have a very full life of my own. I'm very active and belong to many things on a voluntary basis. I keep very busy.

As for the bank of Grandma - I've done what I wanted to do, and what my parents would have wanted me to do. I am generous by nature and I guess I'm disappointed that my daughter has turned out "careful". But yes, I will slow down on what I do. It's time to spend on me instead for whatever years I have left now. But I always feel guilty when I do!

Thank you all again. I have loved the messages.

Time passes so quickly in modern working lives. I think maybe you are phoning at the wrong time but it is difficult to find the right time when people have busy lives Getting a phone call once every 2 weeks is not bad and I don't know why you expect your grandson would phone you to say goodnight! Could you arrange.a set time once a week to talk with them.

You saw them for 5 days at Christmas, I think many grandparents would be lucky to get one full day. It was lovely your GS made a personal gift for you and he must have thought you would like the model he made for you. As for the mugs and sweets maybe your daughter is saying we don't need to exchange expensive gifts at Christmas so follow their lead next year.

I presume you share a bank account with your daughter so she can pay for things on your behalf, hence her changing everything she buys you to your account.

I think your depression is not helping how you see things and you are getting upset. You are expecting them to behave how you want them too without thinking how they want it to be. It was lovely you helped them with the house but you were not buying into their lives and must except their choices,

I think a spaceship is a lovely present from a grandson, he was thinking of you when he made it. My eldest GD just turned twelve has put me on Instagram so we can chat. On the other hand I don't expect or get many phone calls from my children, life has changed, they are more likely to send a message if they want to tell me something. I know they all care, on the other hand my niece and I can talk for hours on the phone, she is living in an isolated area with her two boys and gets lonely.

Pink I think it's about time you stopped the flow of money to your ungrateful daughters. It's terrible the way they both speak to you and you need to tell them you have had enough.

I believe a lot of daughters tend to off load their frustrations and bad tempers on their mothers. Who else will still love them after being spoken to in such a disrespectful way. Imagine if they they carried on like that to their friends, they would be told very soon to get lost.

MaggieMay69 is right. People are not mind readers and can be thoughtless. It doesn't mean they don't care. You could arrange a time with her (when neither of you will be distracted with other things) to let her know - gently!
1) how you feel
2) what she can do to change things/make you feel better and less taken for granted.

Good luck.

SandraK, i feel for you but as much as you love your DD, please try and make a life for yourself. If you can find a club of some sort that you enjoy you will make new friends. Leave your DD alone, do not contact her. First job is to get a single bank account. Live life, be happy, forget the past, that is done and over with and cannot be changed.
My 2 sons rarely phone me, my DD died at the age of 26 years so I feel disappointed in them, the boys, but to compensate I go out somewhere different everyday. Hope this helps. You are not alone.

Am constantly amazed at the posts from people who financially 'prop up ' their ADULT children, and this is truly the operative word here. Our daughter knows that in an emergency we would help her , but having brought her up to be a responsible and capable person ( surely the goal of parenting) she so far had never needed to . Probably far too late now ' tho for OP to put this into practice.

I'm sorry (and no doubt lots will get at me) but you chose to give them all those things! If you expected something in return then that's manipulation!
People nowadays have busy lives and if you had your grandson over half term it means that they obviously both work!...having time with him is worth so much more than money.
Forget about trying to "buy their love" (they are probably embarrassed by the lavish gifts) and just be together

Can't have it all I mean

Sandra k,I do feel for you.I have a similar problem.I had a long and heated discussion with my daughter about 7 years ago.About her childhood,I brought her up the same way I was brought up,she was well fed and clothed in that sense,, but because my mother wasn't tactile, no hugs or kisses,I was the same,difference being I adored my mother we had lots of laughs and a happy childhood.I looked after my granddaughter from 3 months till school age and daughter appreciated it.But since that row I've felt nervous around her.She showers her daughter with love and she's a lovely mum.we were close when granddaughter was young.Now she 18 and there great pals, and I'm really jealous of there closeness( shameful I know)I just feel she tolerates me.I go and stay overnight sometimes,and she's very abrupt sometimes,and I feel very hurt.I do keep busy have lots of hobbies, holidays and I'm fit and healthy,happy marriage.I suppose we can't have it so to speak.It hurts I know.

pinkjj27why on earth do you allow yourself to be abused ? would you just stand their and let a stranger speak to you like that ? Please respect yourself

It's really interesting to read the perspectives of those of you who have grown up children and GC. Am just so sorry to hear how many people feel lonely and saddened by not having enough contact/ receiving enough attention. It must be a really tough situation and I know I often wonder what will happen when my (only not through choice) primary aged DS is grown up! As a Mum and daughter in her 40s I find the sweeping generalisations about my generation fascinating. We all do it about each others I know! I guess I wanted to add that many stories are probably a little simplified on here. I have to work F/t nowadays or there will be no pension for DH and me later on. It's tricky with a child but takes some organization. However, I would be in touch with my DM really frequently IF we had a good relationship. She genuinely has MH problems and always has had. She doesn't recognise this really and as a result myself and siblings spent our childhoods fearing her outbursts. They're still never far away! We all keep a bit of a distance for self-preservation reasons. I'd also prefer DS not to see his GM when she gets very upset so we need to keep things light tbh. I feel like a cr*p daughter but I really can't get too close. My Mum would undoubtedly say I was being selfish and probably wouldn't acknowledge my perspective. I get that. I'm not saying that it applies to any previous posters but sometimes you do get out what you get in! I have several friends who haven't had kids due to their own difficult childhoods. I know we're all adults but sometimes the relationships formed in our early years are not altogether healthy.

I think your posts are very sensible Luckygirl and I agree entirely.
This is normal really, and unless we spent every other day ( ourselves, years ago) thinking about our parents and keeping in touch) then we must allow our DC to fly the nest, live their own lives etc.If they never got in touch, that's another matter.
I think you should try and improve your own life by joining clubs, WI, and go out and meet friends locally.Buy a dog, that gets you out and about and they are a good companion too.