Why does my daughter treat me this way?

I think you may find that a lot of grandparents on here are treated in a similar way Sandra Sorry to hear this is happening to you.

It is disappointing when family don't treat you how you want, two of mine are similar to your family, of 8 grandchildren only one rings us regularly just to check in and one of my daughters rings often. The others love us and care but have very busy working/family lives, I'd love to have more contact with them but it is what it is and I've had to learn to accept it.
Sorry you are hurting but I don't really have any advice.

I agree with everybody who's responded. One of my daughters never keeps in touch, last time I heard from her was before Christmas and if we didn't keep in touch with the odd phone call and occasional visit I'm sure we wouldn't hear from her one year to the next. I like to think she does care and I've just had to accept the situation for what it is. My other daughter on the other hand is totally different and keeps in touch regularly. I rack my brains trying to understand why they are so different.

I am sorry you are upset.

One thing I do in these circumstances is to ask myself what I did with my own parents. I am not sure I was much better TBH. When you have children you are very focused on their upbringing.

I do not think you should expect them to treat you any differently because you have given them financial help. A gift is a gift and should never be given with expectations. Gifts can feel like manipulation if we are not careful.

I wonder if you are not expecting too much - you have your own picture of what your relationship should be with them; and they may have another.

I have several children and they all have different levels of involvement with us.

One way through this is to concentrate on developing your own life - you are in a new phase of life that is a time of opportunity to be grasped.

I'm sure that your daughter loves you
Just her time is taken up with day to day life.
Although the contact is mainly one sided I would still keep it up even though it irks.

Next time you speak DD why not ask when would the best time for you to call as you know she is busy

I am puzzled that you have a joint bank account with your daughter.

It sounds as though your DD was brilliant when you had your hip replacement - well done her!

I can relate to your post in some way. My sons are so busy I am lucky if I see them once a month - no phone calls just occasional texts. One grandson is nearly 18 and I hardly see him at all, nor does anyone else though but I understand he now has his own life to lead. It's been painful though as we were so close but I'm not needed now like I was.

I try and see the 3 other grandsons/daughter when I can but so hard to slot in with football/gym/rugby/nursery and their mum and dads work/shifts. It's difficult, and it's always me driving there which I sometimes don't feel up to doing.

I just think the more our grown children have to work, have their own children, need their own family time and to socialise with their own friends it's the parent/s left behind who pay the price. I have also helped mine financially but not for any return, I just hope they appreciated it at the time.

I have a friend I spend time with though, lots of interests, always busy, but should do more/meet more people so I don't dwell on the changes which mean I feel more alone than ever.

No grandchildren yet for me but I have this with my three daughters and I think it's the modern way. Their generation are so busy and distracted, I feel sorry for them. I think texting and the dratted Twitter also encourage brief rather surface communication. It can leave those of us who remember pre computer days feeling rather lonely. At least your daughter is there for you when you really need it. Like others I can only sympathise and suggest keeping busy and perhaps asking when would be a convenient time for a longer chat.

It seems that materially you are trying to make up for perceived problems in your daughter's childhood. I'm sure this is unnecessary and she understands how things were. Our children have their own lives and often forget how much a simple call or visit mean to us. If you are becoming resentful about the amount of financial support you give your daughter then talk about it with her. It's very easy to dwell on things and get them out of proportion.

A lot of people these days do keep in touch, not with one person but with many at a time. Could you become their Facebook friend?
I, personally, don't use Facebook much but my extended family do and occasionally I feel out of the loop. My choice. Once they have posted to their friends they forget that not everyone has joined up. Not personal I know but at least you would know what is happening in their family and be able to comment.

I agree that some grand-parents are treated in the same way, it seems to be a way of life with the way families are spread. At the moment I am feeling a little like you, disappointed, but I also recognise that I am feeling a bit below par, and the batteries need recharging, Perhaps this is the same with you after your pneumonia?

Sandra you must feel so unwanted and that is such a shame. Your Daughter sounds like a brat, sorry if that is harsh and i certainly dont want to upset you but you have asked the question.
You have given her your home, access to your bank account, you provide her childcare and she cant even be bothered to phone, and she doesnt because she doesnt have too, she has been spoiled beyond belief and has had everything from you and continues to get a easy ride because you feel bad about her childhood, lots of children have a really awful time and dont turn out so self centered.
We are only treated the way we allow people to treat us, maybe it is time to either tell your Daughter a few home truths or accept treatment, only you can make that choice
I hope you find the strength to sort this mess out

Very harsh comments there granny piper. I do hope the OP doesn't follow it because there are enough grandparents posting on this site about the breakdown of their relationship with adult children.
The OP's daughter doesn't sound like a "brat" to me. Life is tough for all young parents and has been for every generation. It's tough for us oldies as well. Sadly, none of us fully realise that when we're youngish adults, busy with work and family life.
By the way, it takes more than one person to 'sort this mess out'.

I'm another that can relate to your story. D has had more than her share of H's and my time and money. I have done hours of child care and school runs. Her and her partner have been living with us since the beginning of November, contributing nothing more than occasional bits and pieces of food for themselves.
When they move out on Friday they will be living about an hour away. I will as you say receive the odd random text or an occasional phone call if she wants/needs something. I find out more about her life through FB When she's not around I do know that she would be there if I needed her and that's all I can ask.
You are not alone, I'm not happy with the situation but hey !

I'm sorry but I agree with grannypiper. You sound guilty about her childhood, blaming yourself for her unhappiness. You have gone way above and beyond for her; you have given her a house, fgs!

It sounds to me as though she is taking advantage of you big time.

And the setup sounds odd to me. Sharing a bank account? Why? Whose idea was that?

She's taking the pee, seriously. Perhaps you should step back a bit and be unavailable next time she asks for free childcare. Or maybe you just need to get a life that revolves less around her and more around yourself.

I think this situation is fairly common these days. I have not heard from DD since Christmas day, she lives abroad and travels frequently so it is not always convenient to telephone. I live with the assumption that no news is good news because you quickly hear if assistance is required. A relative has just informed me that she will be in the UK this weekend

I think it's just a case of busy lives getting in the way, SandraK. Your daughter obviously loves you - just look at how she stepped up to the mark when you were ill! Communication can take so many forms these days. I'm lucky enough to see my lot regularly, but we rarely ring each other. We text, and we have a family Whatsapp group which we all use, so we know what everyone's up to. I woke up to five messages to read on there today, and a couple of lovely photos. It's far from impersonal/superficial. We're all on Facebook, but only one of my DDs uses it regularly. We email occasionally if there's a lot to say. Twitter is still a foreign country to me!

We might be unusual though, being very close but not ringing unless it's something urgent. My DC's partners are all avid mobile users, ringing their parents regularly, at least once a day, usually more. I suppose it's just how different families work, but I prefer our way . I probably set the tone for this anyway, as I only used to ring my mum and dad once a week, on a Friday evening, though we did also send each other letters in those days. I loved them to bits. If they felt neglected they never told me (and believe me they would have done!).

Could you not just say to your daughter that you'd love to talk to her more often, say twice a week?

I wouldn't have been overwhelmed with the Christmas presents though

Sorry you feel the way you do, but how did you go from being unable to leave your husband due to financial constraints to buying a house for your daughter?

You've said you know your daughter loves you, be content with that and live your own life. Get out there, make friends, join clubs or do whatever it takes to make you happy.

There's many people who spend Christmas alone without the benefit of family who visit. Be grateful for what you have and if you think you are being taken advantage of, then stop and put yourself first.

Hope you have recovered from your pneumonia. Cheer up! Spring will soon be here, get out and enjoy it, life's too short.

Firstly I am so sorry you feel this way, and I do understand. My daughter is 27 this week, I spent the last 12 weeks of the pregnancy in hospital and was expecting a very sick baby. Now, although she has a few problems health wise, she has just gained her master's degree, lives with a wonderful guy and they have bought a lovely apartment.
Her childhood wasn't easy and her father was an alcoholic and died from cancer when she was 17. She also suffered sexual abuse (which she only told me about a year ago)
Anyway my point is, I too get upset that she only calls if she needs something, she would never ring just for a chat but then she tells me this days hardly anyone does. We keep in touch mainly via facebook and texts.
As for getting your grandchildren to call to say goodnight, I agree with Iam64 life these days for young parents is hard work. Does she work? How many children do they have?
It is a very different world to when we were young mummies. It doesn't sound to me like she doesn't care it sounds more like a case of finding time.
Maybe getting out and about more yourself and chatting to others with grown up daughters may help you. And if being bank of grandma is upsetting you then stop ! Unfortunately money doesn't buy everything

I think I was a bit harsh upthread, but I'm cross with your daughter on your behalf, op.

I just hope she isn't exploiting you, that's all.

It takes seconds to send a text, ffs.

I would stop with the money firstly. Make life too easy and become a doormat, and thats how sadly, whether she means to or not, will treat you. But I am all for the school of talking! Talk! I told my grandaughter that I missed her chatter as she got older, that I didn;t want hours of her time, just a bit more of her attention, and I told her I was a little lonely, and she was amazing. She gave me a huge hug and told me off for not telling her sooner! Since then I get a quick phone call every other day, even lovely letters in the post though we live near, because I told her I miss getting post lol. Don't hide your hurt, but don't bring up the money thing...you gave her these things, however, maybe change the joint account, thats just odd!
You do seem to have a wee grudge at all you have spent, money and time wise, so do less! Make them miss you! lol

'Oh tis sharper than a serpents tooth to have a thankless child' or something like that. My daughter has had a similar reaction to my generosity. She can be quite vicious when questioned. She says I only gave her money etc because I felt guilty because I was a crap mother. So after years of trying and yes feeling like the worst mother in the world I finally gave up. I wrote to her that I love her and the kids and will always support her when I can but was determined to enjoy my retirement on what little money I have left. She has improved slightly, especially when she needs me. She adores her mother in law who has done little to help ouch but that is the way it is.

This is a very supportive and encouraging thread for me. I sometimes feel I'm out here alone and selfish at the disappointment I feel at the miminimalist contact I have with my children. Yes they're both caught up in this modern age of panic and seeming stress but - I didn't just disappear. When we actually meet up it's terrific and I never approach the subject lest I 'spoil the occasion'. I have to disagree with grannypiper in that I feel 'telling it how it is' or airing a grievance may well have a negative result or be seen as an ultimatum. The outcome may be disastrous! Find it strange that BOTH of my children have adopted this minimum contact as we had a long and lovely family rearing and relationship. Mmmmmmm..........

Reading this strikes a note I have three sons and one is still very much involved with us as he is single and we help him quite a bit the other two call birthdays Christmas etc and rarely visit we are still working and find it hard to get to their houses but do try and help with babysitting etc as we both have elderly parents to see regularly we have a life that's dealt to us and reading gransnetters thoughts today has me me realise we are not alone! I however agree pull back on the money lending/giving and get yourself a holiday or some treats !!!