Why does my daughter treat me this way?

Asking your children what they feel about you would make you sound very needy.

I agree Luckygirl. Wouldn't dream of it. My daughter would laugh! Or tell me I'm neurotic (she does that anyway - in a nice way, ) but I get lots of affection when I see her which is not that often.
My advice it : Just let it flow past you and keep busy and be grateful for any contact you have. I think your D has been thoughtless as you've been ill, but now she understands, move on!
I was close to my mother but certainly dont remember phoning her weekly once I was married with young children! Again, I recommend Facebook or better still, a private WhatsApp family group - much easier for busy lives in my opinion and they can send photos which is great!

I could not imagine asking any of my DDs what they feel about me - why on earth would anyone do that? As soon as you start putting pressure like that on, then every communication you have will become strained - why would you want to do that?

Children are so different today. When I was young and first married I would constantly be in touch with my dear mother and mother in law.Visited when we could. Moved overseas for a few years but still spoke on the telephone weekly or more often if they were unwell.
I now constantly phone my grown up children for catch ups. They rarely phone me. But they love me and that is all that matters.
I do understand how it must feel to not know what your daughter feels about you and the simple answer is ask her.

Just a thought. You said your DD was brilliant when you had your hip replacement so she obviously does care, but your Christmas present was insignificant, and she's not been in touch to chat for a while. Is everything all right between them? Could it just be that they're going through a bad patch which you DD doesn't want to share or worry you with? All marriages have ups and downs. Could it be that they're on a bit of a down and they're keeping it to themselves and working it through? It may be best to just sit tight and wait for the summer, warm days and sunshine and longer days and it'll come right.

Hi, I was sorry to read about the way your daughter has treated you... I can relate to this.
My son and his wife and baby live 2 hours away from me, and i don't drive.
I have been pretty unwell for almost a year, which has made it impossible for me to get the train down to visit them, they have been here just twice while i have been in this situation, though they too have to get the train up, and with a baby i know it isnt easy.
My son and daughter-in -law have also had health issues, and lead very busy lives, so i understand that its hard for them too. But.... I agree that a phone call is not too much to ask for.... i sometimes get txts,and emails with photo's, which though nice, isn't the same as a chat, and i dont think its too much to ask for at least 1 call a week, just to check in. I don't think children actually realise how much mums need to know they care, even though they do, we need contact!.
I have often rang my son and been told it was an awkward time, and he will ring back, sometimes he forgets, so then i get a txt. groan!
I also have a daughter living nearer to me, and i may see her 1 day a week, ok she works, but hey!
but i may get more calls from her, so thats something, and if i am particularily unwell, and dont want to be alone, i stay at hers for a night or 2, so i suppose i am lucky there..But...... they are also in the procedes of moving far away from me.. I hate thinking about it as i know the loneliness will be twofold. Doesnt help when you live alone does it.

But i agree with most of what others have said on here... this is how things seem to be, and i guess we all just have to say..'It is what it is!'

Enjoy the times you get to be together, and try not to dwell. easy to say!.

Thanks Duchessofpod for your good advice. The bank account was my idea and it is often really useful. It's not the main one anyway. It is better not to have expectations, then one can't be disappointed - but that's easier to say than to do!

Maggiemay you are right. I've tonight had phone call from and a long talk with my DD who at first got really uptight and angry that I was upset I hadn't heard from her "Sorry if my life gets in the way of my calling you!". She explained how little time she has and that she forgets and the week goes by before she knows it. I understand, but it doesn't make me feel any better than she didn't find one minute! We've now arranged that I will text her to see if it's a good time to have a quick chat with her and GS and she has suggested two days a week that are better than others. I think I was really depressed and oversensitive as well because of all the medication I was on. Am feeling much better today and trying to get things into perspective.
Gransnet has helped me so much. Thanks again everyone.

I'm in a similar situation as your DD in some ways, but not in others. I also have a demanding job and so does my DH and my DPs have helped us out hugely with house deposit and often step in to help out with childcare when we're desperate. BUT I am pretty appalled at the treatment youre getting, I wouldn't dream of not contacting my DPs for over a fortnight and I share news with them about all sorts of stuff on a regular basis by email, phone, Facebook and text. I'm a bit at the slightly impersonal/thoughtless Christmas presents they gave you (i'm presuming the mugs weren't thoughtful personalised ones with messages or photos) and the impatient response from your SonIL was just crappy. Sorry, he could have apologised and asked if he could ring you back once in the car or when back home.
I think you could gently tell your DD that you'd love to hear from them more often especially if youve had a serious illness like pneumonia, you appreciate when she has been there for you but there have been other times when you've deeply missed her support. Tell them you sometimes wonder what their news is, be it his/her work, the DGC's progress or whatever. Why not suggest that your DGC could FaceTime/ phone you to say goodnight sometimes, it might even help them with the bedtime routine. It's a lovely idea which I'd never thought of, and perhaps your DD hasn't either.
FGS though, she's an adult, your past is history and please think about whether she really needs a joint account with you any more.

Ha ha Iam64! Love the Pollyanna ref!

Concentrate on the my daughter was brilliant and you will know that she will be there when she needs you but has a very busy life and a family of her own.

I don't expect mine to phone all the time; some do but in fact one rarely does but I know that she loves us nonetheless.

Yes *MawBroon' accept what you say and I understand. You make some good points. It's just that the accusation of moaning is thrown around a lot these days and it can feel quite dismissive. It's jolly tough swallowing hard and accepting that we are no longer top of our children's list when we love them so much. Learning to let them go is a form of loving but it's tough to achieve without resentment.

This thread has been really interesting and I have enjoyed reading about others' lives and relationships. I am very happy with the contact I have with my 2 sons but I sometimes have to remind myself

1. They are far busier than I am.

2. We shall never be as important to our children as they are to us.

No Luckygirl, you aren't alone in not expecting 'rewards' for financial or practical help given to adult children.
I'm beginning to feel unusual in that I live physically fairly close to my adult children and grandchildren and emotionally, I feel we share close relationships. Their live are very busy, establishing life long relationships with partners, caring for their own children and all working flat out to pay the bills. it's true that they have more material goods than I did at their age, for which I am thankful. I didn't have a fridge so kept the milk in a bucket of cold water, ineffective in summer of course. My mother didn't have a washing machine when we were babies, my grannie went to the wash house.
As for Facebook, I'm fb friends with many of my children's life long friends. I have the pleasure of watching their children grow up, visit places in school holidays, I see my own adult children on nights out, weekends away with their good friends. I feel lucky to be included, on the periphery.
I dislike the generalisations like 'all those baby boomers got the best of everything for free' - we all know we've been lucky in some ways and worked very hard as well. I equally dislike the generalisations knocking 'the younger generation'. Life is tough for all of us, tougher at some times than others. Love is the most important thing. (wanders off in Pollyanna frock)

Azie09 you take issue with my use of the word "moan". I accept there are many older people, (I am one) yes many are lonely, but many of the scenarios described sound as if the posters have unreasonably high expectations of daily contact, describing verbal abuse and financial exploitation as a price they have to pay for contact or else live their lives wanting to be "friends" with their DC, whether on FB or literally. Somebody started a thread recently bewailing the fact her DIL didn't have any pics of her MIL in her album on FB.
Talk on the phone for an hour??
Ring grandma to say goodnight? Puhleaze.
Yes it certainly sounds like moaning - trust me, there's worse things can happen to you.
Excuse me, I am one of these older people, I am frequently lonely but I am also an adult who can let my children live their lives without a chip on my shoulder.
IMHO OP has very little to complain about, try reading "My daughter has breast cancer" try reading "cut out of their lives" or try reading AlieOxon's heartbreaking thread about losing her daughter, a young mum, just last year .
"Why does my daughter treat me this way? " What way exactly?

No,*Luckygirl*, you're not the only one. We give more to our children than we receive both in money and time. But then we have far more of both, so why not?

I remember when we were busy working and bringing up our DC we had little time for long chatty phone calls. I spoke to my mother on the phone often only once a fortnight and never to dad. He didn't do the chatty stuff. And we really only saw them for birthdays etc. They rarely looked after our DC as they had busy lives too before they became more dependent on us for help.

DD1 lives three hours away and I always text to ask when she'll be there for a chat as they both work full time and don't get home until after six, leaving little time for them to enjoy their DC after homework and tea has been sorted. I certainly wouldn't expect a good night nanny phone call!

I see a little more of our local family, especially lately as DS had needed our help moving house. But again, I don't expect to hear much from them. They're launched and have their own lives.

If the OP had managed to look after her DGC at half term I expect her DD assumed she was now well and back to normal.

PS I dont think these 'children' are spoilt or selfish, they are just thoughtless , busy with their own lives, often holding down jobs and bringing up children and ferrying said children to various activities in evenings and weekends. I dont honestly think I treated my own mother any better though I loved her dearly - just took her for granted and didn't think of things from her point of view!

Agreed, Lillie, WhatsApp is well worth the effort of setting up. You do need a decent phone though - on the last one I had it would take ages to load. I've inherited DD1's old iPhone now and it's instantaneous and so easy to use. We have a family group that we all contribute to and it's lovely to get daily news.

I agree 100% with both Luckygirls posts. I consider that I get on well with all my children and their spouses and families, but would never expect an hour's phone call or a weekend visit once a month. Ive never heard of grandchildren phoning to say goodnight either.
They (children) all used to do a 'duty call' once a week but it was often stilted as we tried to think of things to say/. Now we are in fairly frequent touch through email, texting and a family Whatsapp group. I find phoning is oftn inconvenient - they are putting children to bed or just going out , and we are often busy too if they do phone - in fact we tend to text and say eg 'would it be ok if I phoned tonight around 9 pm?' But this is quite rare.
I do feel a bit resentful when they all come here as it's a lot of work, but then I fell resentful if they dont come, as DH points out, so try to let it go and count my blessings! If the OPs daughter visits every month and is overly when they are there, what on earth is the fuss about? Many would give thir eye teeth for this sort of relationship!

I think as we get older the normal, simple things like contact with family become more important. The younger generation, however, lead busy fun lives doing exotic things so they don't give much thought to how we are feeling.
My daughter is quite quiet, but shares daily "conversations" about things she has heard or seen. Often she just sends WhatsApp links to a news article or a photo of the baby eating his lunch. It makes my day, whatever the subject, and can recommend setting this up on your phone because it's easy for everyone to keep in touch with minimal effort.

I cannot be the only one who does not hope for rewards when giving my children financial help. I am no saint, but when I have done this there really are no "hoped for rewards."

Reading all these posts is sad reading, one thing is clear, spending money on children does not always bring the rewards one hoped for. These children are spoilt. They have been brought up to be materialstic and so they are. Some children are so nice you can't spoil them and you are lucky if you have one like that.
I was strict with my daughters and gave them a meagre clothing allowance and that was that, the rest they had to work for. It has not made them unhappy and when we now give them a sum of money to help buy a car or furnish a house then they are really grateful.
I have contact with them about twice a month and we don't send photos or many texts. They should get on with their life and I'm not going to hang on to them.
I love them both dearly but am not emotionally dependent on them. We have some lovely family days on birthdays etc.

My advice to all those hurt grans and mothers is to Back off!
Keep it up, remain polite when contacted but don't go spreading your love and affection and your money around where it is not wanted or appreciated.
If you cool down they might warm up!

Day6 I do agree with all the points you made,and I think your last sentence - I conclude that we may be the first generation of older people cast aside because technology and social media mean more - is an important one because it is different now and the technology is getting in the way of human needs for face-to-face contact.

Not least, all the notifications and silly sounds mean that one is constantly called to take note of some new post or text and therefore the newest communicant is answered and somehow the mind is fractured by this endless stream and never able to stay focused or remember what you meant to do earlier in the day. This may not be true for everyone but it is certainly what I call 'the modern world'!

Something else about Facebook in particular, is that, if you are friends with your children then you are given an insight into the lives and friendships which we would never have had before. So many photos, parties, events, friendships, activities, it's no wonder we might feel left out and be encouraged to feel hard done by.

Mawbroon I do struggle with calling other people's sadness, grief, even anger, 'moans'. I know you are perhaps just being 'straightforward' but there is a lot of loneliness amongst older people in the UK and when I was growing up, you could depend on your family. That isn't the case now and some feel it more than others and the feeling changes from all sorts of reasons from depression to time of year to changes in personal circumstances.

I think you'd say my mother never LET GO, she was quite emotionally demanding and it's taken me many years to understand why and I wish now I had been able to understand better. It would probably have helped if she could have been clear about what she needed and we could have negotiated something instead of it feeling to me like emotional blackmail.

I sometimes wonder if this is a very British problem. People don't disclose their feelings, stiff upper lip rules but the feelings are still there under the surface and they can make people behave badly. 'I'm feeling lonely/down today' can be responded to with 'what can I do to help' and then perhaps something will change. I do agree that some may simply expect to be the centre of their family's lives and that isn't likely to be the case anymore in modern Britain unless they're very lucky.

I am noticing a couple of things; 1) most of us wish our children wanted to spend as much time with or on us as we do with them , but 'twas ever thus. Our mothers felt the same and our daughters will almost certainly do so too.
2) OP is sounding much happier and the original post has unmistakable overtones of depression (post pneumonia) in it.
3) some of us will be wondering what the problem is -so they spend one weekend a month with you?!!?! Chance would be a fine thing , but certainly our DDs' weekends are filled/booked up to months in advance , even more so now the DGSs do sporting things on a Saturday mornng. And a Christmas present made by a DGS is worth FAR more than anything his mum has bought along with the rest of her presents.
4) ring grandma to say goodnight?? Never heard of that! Who are you kidding?
Now some grans feel hard done by if they don't have a daily phone call, others think they are lucky if it is once a week, some would give their eye teeth for a call at all!
Everybody is different but I am finding that some of the moans are sounding more a bit needy and entitled. Mums who are walked all over by their daughters? Don't be a doormat! Be busy, be out, be otherwise engaged if a shopping trip becomes an arena for abuse! These are adult women , they can sort out their own shopping childcare.
The feeling I get (and I apologise to those to whom it does not apply) is of grans whose lives centre around their children and DGC and who have never LET GO .
TBH the thread title itself strikes me as out of all proportion. "Treat me this way?"
"How? What is so out of the ordinary? What is the big deal?"
Don't get me wrong, I love my DDs but they have young children and demanding careers. They have loving husbands and weekend time together is precious. Live and let live.

"Don't cry for me when I am gone if you don't take the opportunity now!" - what a truly dreadful thing to say to your family Smetterling!! What was the aim of that?

And Brendaj - I cannot imagine asking a child of mine to stay on the phone for an hour in their busy lives - no wonder she wants to hang up! I probably would by then. Occasionally we talk that long if lots has been going on, but that is a heck of a long phone call, and certainly nothing to feel resentful about.

To be frank I do think that some of the posters here are far too demanding of their families and that what they have is more than enough and nothing to warrant all this grumbling. I am at a loss to understand what all the gripes are about. And if you have this simmering resentment underlying every communication with them, that is going to make things sour.