Would welcome thoughts on FIL

Just read the bit about where your Dad lives. A bungalow with open fields behind. To buy something similar in another location would cost an absolute fortune. I live in a bungalow in a low-crime area and with excellent neighbours all round, but I'd give a lot to live with open land nearby. You can't have everything. I agree with Barmyoldbat above.

I'm fast coming to the conclusion that the final years of one's life are precious and one should be allowed to enjoy them in peace. Your favourite books, treasured pieces of jewellery - they may be just 'things' and useless clutter to some people, but to the person concerned they are of inestimable value.

I can understand why your Dad didn't enjoy the cruise. They are not everyone's cup of tea. People have said that to us 'oh you want to go on a cruise...' but the reasons they usually give for liking them are exactly the reasons why we'd dislike them! We don't like being corralled, regimented, told 'be back here in 3 hours..' those kind of things.

To me, your Dad has been incredibly passive about this whole thing. He has been robbed! If any relative did that to me, came into my house to take my possessions away, I would go apeshit. Sorry, Gransnet, if that word isn't allowed, but I really would.

I just can't believe what an unfeeling woman your sil is. How dare she just push ahead, throwing out things he is attached to. Of course he can stay where he is with the a bit of support. My father had to give up his big joy of. Driving but still managed to live on his own and this was a man who was never allowed to cook! Let him enjoy the time he has left being where he wants. Good luck with it all

Just a thought,my 93yr old aunt was devastated when she had to give up her car but we calculated the cost of the car: insurance, petrol, mot,car park fees etc and when she saw that her use of taxis became easier! Local to her there is a special service for elderly where they have so many trips at an oap rate.
Also she has a Polish lady who cleans and does basic shopping for her. She lives in my aunt's flat so there is someone around. She goes to work (cleaning) and it suits her to have free accommodation and suits my aunt to have someone around every day. My cousins and I visit regularly too(I am abt 40 mins away) but it helps us to know there is someone there to call us if there was an emergency.

Good luck!

Thanks so much for all your replies-many of the opinions expressed echo my own and DH's. We just want FIL to be as happy as is possible for his remaining years. It is a very difficukt family dynamic to negotiate a way through but it must be done I shall investigate some of the excellent suggestions made and hopefully we can help FIL gain a measure of independence whilst remaining in his home. DH is planning a phone call to his sister, fingers crossed they can get through this without falling out.

SiL helping herself to her mother's jewellery without giving FIL an opportunity to choose any he wanted to keep was a dreadful thing to do, poor FIL. I expect he'd given his DW some items and that many pieces had memories for him. That is really sad and so dismissive of a recently widowed man's feelings.

I think if your father in law wants to stay in his present house where all his memories are then he should.We have been through this situation with my elderly mother when she stopped driving,we got as far as selling her house and having an offer accepted on an apartment near to where we live when she realised she really didn't want to move.We realised it was just going to take a bit of adjustment getting used to life without her car and a bit of trial and error.We purchased a mobility scooter which she can get to the local shops on and visit local friends,sometimes we go and take her shopping,sometimes it's an internet shop or the dial a ride bus.There is also a service offered by the local council where somebody will take her to hospital appointments for a nominal cost,dial a ride also offer a car service.It takes a while to get the right help in place and was quite stressful at times but so glad we persevered now as she has settled into this new way of life and is much happier than if we had moved her for our convenience.

I do think that you should sit down with a pen and paper trotting up road tax devaluation of car,petrol and insurance and services and point out to your FIL how much he is no longer spending . Then suggest he gets an account with a local taxi firm. Sometimes it ends up with the same driver each time as they take care of 'their' customer.

I haven't read all the posts so this may have been suggested but couldn't your FiL have a buzzer for emergencies then it wouldn't be his daughter who was called out? My friend had one and didn't like it at all - till the first time she fell ... There is obviously a lot of history with your SiL and I can see this influences how you're feeling. I think your husband should be taking the reins and maybe try to talk to his sister about their Dad. I really, really hope things are are sorted as amicably as possible for you all and that you, in particular, can stop worrying, you've been through it once already with your own parents and that's enough for anybody.

My friend with memory loss was moved to sheltered housing. It is a lovely place but she doesn't know the neighbors or the area. If he likes his bowling he should continue. Good exercise and social contact. Maybe he could take a taxi there and probably a fellow bowler would drop him off home? We often give people a lift.

How long has FIL been in his house? I bet it is forever. So no-one has the right to tell him he must move anywhere. His memories are in that house. Removing his things was theft. He had not given permission. To wait until he was away ensured that he will never want to go anywhere again. Your SIL sounds like a very overbearing sort, FIL must feel so angry, I know I would be if I came back from holiday to find that someone had ransacked the house and taken away things that belonged to me. It is like being burgled. Poor man, not only has he lost his licence and his independence, he has lost the opportunity to go on holiday. Who will he ever trust again? There are ways and means, get a home-help and ask Social Services if they can help in any way.

Your sister-in-law is a thief. Going into someone's home when they're not there, taking things that belong to them - whether books, jewellery or anything else - is stealing. There's no way of dressing up that simple fact.

Your FIL has the perfect right to live where he chooses. He does not have to move to be near his DIL. I think, if that was me, I'd want to be as far away as possible from her.

He sounds as if he has everything sorted on the domestic front, gardening, the lot. He is still grieving. Now he has something else to grieve for - the loss of his independence.

Was his road accident definitely the result of his age e.g. slower reactions, vision etc? Or not? Plenty of people write off cars who are not 89. Did the police think it was down to his age?

Your FIL sounds to have a full and thriving social life. If I were you I would mention this to SIL when you can and point out that moving him would mean losing all that and he would become more dependant on her, so she would actually have to do more work.
I wonder if there is a shopping bus service in your area? We have a once a week community bus service that picks up, takes people to the supermarket and drops them home afterwards. There is a driver and a helper and they make sure shopper and shopping are both returned home safely.
Hope you can resolve things and he is soon happier.

Mags1234 I came back to this thread to make the same suggestion re enduring power of attorney. I think I could be very important so that your dh, Katek can have some say in his father's future happiness.

For now, the problems don't seem insurmountable, and from having witnessed my MIL's decline, it's very difficult anyway to anticipate how things will go.

What does your husband advise. Its his Dad.

To my mind all the responses you have had thus far, dont hit the mark by a mile.

We only know our in laws by proxy.

I do wish that I had met the out/inlaws before we married, but tis too late now.

It has to be his decision. And taken over time. Not hurried. He now knows he has the option of moving and will get help to do so. He needs time to mull it over and get his head around the idea that he may not be able to end his days where he is now if loneliness becomes too much of a problem for him. Of course he may decide once he gets used to the lack of independence no car brings, that he's not as lonely as he thought he'd be and happy to stay with the help he has.

I think a power of attorney with more than one person named would be a good idea, now is time to set up whilst he is still able. Can totally understand why u are upset. As he is still able, he should be very involved in all decisions, only to be over ruled if he becomes unsafe. The transport is to him, a removal of his freedom, but he won't have quick enough reactions to drive at his age. Is there a local bus? He should get free transport. Are there any other safety issues? A family meeting with him there may be needed. Does he have a social worker? Could his home help come in even for an hour every day? Decisions need to be made now, while he can input. Certainly he sounds able with help to live where he wants.

As I suspected. Time for DH to make sure his Dad's wishes are in a well accomplished will.

We prefer to spend, leaving only enough for care and burial, but your FIL may want otherwise?

No matter to you, not yours to decide, nor hers.

Katek
What a dilemma..
Fil, poor man, appears to be overwhelmed with good! intentions which have not taken into account what fil himself really wants.
Of course he will be confused and so would anyone who saw themselves under the guidance? control ??'of well meaning family when he may want to be left to do what he wants.
Ask your fil what he would like to do then offer him your assistance and be their for him when he wants you to be there not when you think you should be there
On the other hand do keep in touch by phone or email but let him have his space so he can keep his independence for as long as possible.

norah-you're not too far off the mark there, I think acquisitive would be the kindest description. She's the sort of person that if she takes in a newspaper for him she expects the £1 back. We're not talking a week's shopping and she's not in desperate need herself-I'm not comfortable with that behaviour. When MIL died my DH had to ask her for a memento and she chose a small item from the jewellery. He wasn't allowed to choose his own and it was entirely the wrong time to make a fuss so we let it pass. SIL also knows far too much about her father's financial affairs.

I hate and loathe how people do things for elderly people without asking them.. what's done is done now but as far as your own ideas, I think they sound good, but I would sit down nd chat with him about what he wants at the moment and help him with that. Once someone feels their life's not their own, they can start to deteriorate very fast. As long as mentally, he can make his own decisions, he should be allowed to do so-with some sensitive support as and when he wants it.

Uprooting him would be cruel. He seems to have everything set up to cope, well better than cope where he is. There is research that supports elders being moved, when they are not keen on the idea do go into a decline.

Is SIL frightened he will marry his home help, my sister was when our dad got one...........

Nothng must be done withut his consent however sensibe it may seem to other people.

The real blow for people is when they can't drive, men in particular hate it. I feel for him, lost my day a couple of years ago and he could not countenence the thought of not driving.

He sounds pretty clued up, let him be, to take him away from his memories is just cruel.

Perhaps you are really saying, in a veiled way, SIL is wanting his worldly goods for herself. She took the jewelry, pitched what she didn't like, and took who knows what else? If a greedy SIL is the problem I really believe your husband should sort with his sister, as soon as possible.

If your FIL has all his faculties and is able to cope, it's his decision! SIL will just have to accept it. He's got his own life to lead the way he wants! Sounds like he's pretty much got it sorted. SIL though had no right to go through his things, let alone chuck anything out!

I'm sorry - I'm another who is shocked that your SIL cleared out his home without permission. If I were him I'm afraid I'd start being really difficult - ideally finding a new OH which I suspect would put SIL's nose out of joint. He needs to be encouraged to be mobile, so a mobility scooter would be a fantastic idea.