Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

I have just had a message from the Admiral. The fleet ?️is in town. Let's party??????. Get out the best champagne, the guys will pay.

Pint of Bicardi and Coke with 4 Ice and I will show you my refined act of playing chopsticks on the piano with me nipples.

Anybody else have a party trick.?

This is all getting too bizarre, come on POGS fart your way through 'I did it my way' for us, and I'll get the drinks in.????????

I wished I had known about it before I retired. I had a colleague who was always going on about her alopecia down there.I could have advised her.

Keep you warm?

But if you were, ahem! Hairless, that would be fashionable, who on earth would want a little wig for it? ( don't tell me!)

Rosesarered

How can I put it politely.

A Merkin is for the folically-challenged 'down below'. Or if I were a rude person if you have alopecia of the #@\#%@.

I thought you would get it Ana.

They never did that 'Sticky Back Plastic' challenge on Blue Peter did they.

Swanny is taking her time inspecting the bog, has she bumped into Policeman Pot and having a party of their own?

Mary got that sticky back lying on the bar floor too often

There's a place called Merkins Cafe, shall we rename our cafe that then we could all run around wearing them, or knit our own, sorry Anya knitting not allowed. Make them out of Granvilles fur?

(especially with that sticky back!)

Obviously POGS and I are women of the world...no wonder you thought it was a hairpiece Marydoll!

Two screws in the wall coming up roses, google merkin, I'm not telling you, I'll get told off again

Is it a cross between a meerkat and a bodkin?

I don't know where Chewy is. I know things are a bit difficult between us just now because of the young, virile, fit, handsome, hunk of a vet, but she is still my best mate. I ' m worried as to why she needs a merkin, we usually share all our secrets.
PS. I never knew what a " merkin" was. I had to look it up.

You'll be lucky - the last time they had any limes in here was when they had that colour-blind delivery man!

What, in the name of all that is holy, is a merkin? We are not having another pet in here!

Where is little Garnet tonight...ah, asleep in the peanut bowl again I see, having eaten all the nuts first.Doesn't Chewy ever feed him?

Hmm, what shall I have, something different methinks, a cocktail!
Let's see the menu....

Sex on the beach,
The Argy Special,
Midnight in the Oasis,
A night in the casbah,
Hammer and tongs,
Midshipmans pleasure,
A screw in the wall ( ooh, tempting!) made from apricot brandy, a dash of Jack Daniels, lemonade and a slice of lime.

That's the one! Choice made, and a double please Meno??

We, if it wasn't yours, I'd suspect Chewy, seeing as how things are a bit difficult between you at the moment!

I suggest you ask her whether she's missing a merkin - she could well have 'planted' it on you when you were pissed distracted...

It certainly is! I used to be sweet and innocent until I came to this place.?

POGS I am an innocent. Being in the café is indeed an education.?

Marydoll are you sure it wasn't a Merkin?

If it was a Merkin, who did it once belong to?

Not yours I hope

Well, Roses, it wasn't a wig, it was actually a ferret coloured substitute hair piece, but don't tell Chewy, as things have been a bit tense between us lately. Something to do with a vet
Menopaws, those are my "pulling" boots, but I don't how the Admiral came to be wearing them.. I think someone may have spiked my drink.
Ana, he did have hair when I first met him. I think stress can cause your hair to fall out. I cannot divulge what has stressed him so much. Chewy swore me to secrecy.
Anyway, I'm off for a curry, heaven knows where Anya has got to! She should have been here at lunch time, but the shutters were down. Probably been in at the gin bar again.
Not a great introduction to the Argy Caff, Swanny and Pogs The staff are so unreliable. I have a feeling the are all down at the "Able Seamen's Club". Lots of toyboys there.

Yes - fishes aren't mad!

By DGDs' goldfish is very knowing...