Having a terrible day

I did talk to one of my DD's this morning and will also talk with the others. She shed a tear or two, as did I, at the thought of the dreadful things that are happening to her much-loved father. Things were very bad again today, hut I have sent yet another message to the PD nurse making it clear that we need some input on Monday. All very sad and I send my good wishes to others who are facing these challenges.

No advice, just sending every good wish to those concerned with this problem.

I think your children might be sad not to have known earlier because when it gets to the stage when they definitely have to know or work it out for themselves they might have wanted to help you ,and it might be easier for them to accept it now and deal with the natural progression rather than find out how difficult he is when they thought all was ok. All the best, please share and you will feel stronger

Please leave Lucky Girl to decide whether to tell her children or not. I do not know which problems she has with her DH that she wishes to keep private but in the case of my DH there have been totally out of character changes, relating to an out of control Libido accompanied by crude language, which I am most certainly NOT going to discuss with my DDs or GDC. I was however able to tell the CPN which led to calming medication which has resolved the situation.

So sorry it has been a particularly difficult day among many difficult days Luckygirl ... glad to read so many lovely posts here sending support and love your way - the very best of GN.

I hope you can find carer support for you as things progress for your husband. It is a heavy load for you to bear.

Hugs and xx

Oh Luckygirl what can I say?

My lovely, wonderful (late) grandad had PD with delusion. We, the grandchildren (who worshipped the ground he walked on) could not believe that this hero of a man could be putting my grandma through what she claimed he was. Without going into too much detail, men in the loft, gardener she was having a relationship with, a red car that was following her etc.

Later I understood how it was. I spent many nights with them and saw it all with my own eyes. Heartbreaking for both him and my dear, dear grandma.

Please I beg of you, talk to your family. This is horrible for you too. You mustn't carry this alone. Xx

My heart goes out to you, luckygirl. It is a dilemma but sometimes we have to think about an issue from the viewpoint of another. If you were in your children's position would you want to know there was a problem, even if only in outline and not detail? You can still protect your husbands dignity with carefully chosen words. My instinct says tell them you are worried and why. Let them support you. I know as the parent we feel we should always be the supporter, but sometimes we need to let our children give something back. Please consider it, you are important, I recently commented elsewhere none of us can care for another of we don't care for ourselves. Please look after yourself. I hope tomorrow looks brighter.

That much be so hard for you, luckygirl and very distressing to see such changes in the man you've loved, and who has loved you, for so many years. I can understand your wish to preserve your husbands dignity and privacy with your children. After all protecting our children is what we do from day 1.
But it's a lonely path for you if they know nothing at all about the challenges you face and the worries you have. Is there there a half way position you could opt for? Perhaps hinting that things are changing/becoming more difficult to manage without being too specific with the actual details. Your children too may well want to maintain their respect and view of the man their dad has been and therefore avoid probing if they sense you're being economical with the whole truth of the situation.
Thinking of you as you try to find ways of managing it all. As Nellie says you've dealt with this stuff as a professional. So could you take the advice that you, as a good sw, would have given a carer in this situation?x

Lucky girl I would like to add my 'thinking of you ' post
But I would also like to say please talk to your children you don't need to go into great detail but they need to know it is so hurtful to be left out of a big problem Think of it from their point wouldn't they be hurt and upset that they are being kept out of helping you and him I do understand why you are doing it

My Nan didn't have PD but she was on medication that caused delusions she had little girls hiding under the sofa a huge band playing outside the window, layers of rope just beyond her eyes which she was trying to find her way through, and the best one was a murderer sitting next to her I used to try and go along with it and remember talking to the chair asking the murderer if he would kindly go away. I said 'There he's gone now' and she looked at me and said ' don't be bloody stupid he's still there'
I do hope you find the strength to carry on and to confide in your children

Luckygirl I'm so sorry, it must be so hard for you.

I think most of us struggle with the same things as the families we tried to support. It's so much harder to be compassionate yet objective when it's our own loved ones isn't it,
My family remain grateful to a skilled social worker who helped my father make the decision to have regular respite, for the sake of our mother.
Hope you get a good night's sleep Lucky

Luckygirl just thinking about my post. I know you understand these things from your previous work and I am probably teaching you, as a colleague, how to suck eggs! Do take care of yourself.

Luckygirl. I am sorry to hear your OHs condition had become so much worse . I think you need to talk to your children and not feel you have to carry this burden by yourself . Your children are adults it's their children who will need this change explaining.
If you feel his delusional behaviour might lead to harm to you , you do need to think about your own safety. (((Hugs)))

I don't have any words of wisdom, I really wish I did, hope tomorrow is a bit brighter for you and your DH

Luckygirl, Even though your children don't see or hear what is happening I really think you should tell them. Sooner or later your OH's delusions may be aimed at them so they need to be prepared.

It's heartbreaking for you and a lot to bear but please share it with your family.

aggie - I am sorry that your OH also has this problem. My OH's delusions are totally related and directed to me and the children do not see it happening. He still has sufficient internalised social constraints not to say these things when the children are there.

Thank you all for your kindness.

Luckygirl I understand why you don't want the children to know every sad detail about their Father, you want them to think of him as he was.I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.?

luckygirl you need to share this with your children. Leave them to decide what to tell the DGC but you cannot bear this alone. It is not disloyalty to,your DH it is HONESTY

Luckyirl , my OH has PD and related dementia , but he just tries to ring neighbours and sell cattle !! Yesterday he was convinced he was in Australia , it is usually related to something he overhears or sees on TV . There is no way I can keep his condition from my Children . Another point is he is much worse and very agitated when he has a UTI . This can be really bad , so now he is on permanent antibiotics . It is so wearing to have to keep reassuring him that he is home in his own house and to not have a sensible conversation , the delusions you mention can be the side effect of one of the tablets , OH took up gambling not the side effect I think you mean !! sadly he is chairbound and can no longer work the phone or the computer or we would be broke !! , you do have to laugh or you would spend the day in tears .Please confide in someone , you cannot bear this alone , the children might not be as shocked as you think

Thanks, I'd thought PD was Parkinson's but wanted to be sure.
Please look after yourself Luckygirl. Have been you talked to your GP about the changes in your husband ?

I'm so sorry to read of your problems, Luckygirl. I know someone caring for her Dh with PD and another with early-onset dementia. The burden is immense and whatever you decide about your children, you need as much support as you can muster.

Some Lucky type posts on here Lucky. Maybe you are too close to the situation.

Thank you for all your kind and very helpful posts. It has been one of the worst days since he became ill and makes me a bit frightened for the future. Poor man - what a terrible thing to happen to him. It is very sad.

I will give some thought as to what to say to my family. I am trying to be honest with him about what communications are needed and not to do these things behind his back, as this will feed the paranoia.

Sorry I cross posted with your last post.
Yes I totally understand that there are things that you want to keep private
I did with my father.

But is it not possible to share with your DC how PD is affecting you as a carer without going into detail.

I have read sensible and toughtful advice that you have shared with other GNers luckgirl

Would it be helpful to consider the advice you would give to someone else in your situation?

I think this is too much for you to take on on your own Luckygirl I think your children would be upset to think that you didn't feel able to share it with them. I don't think it would affect the way they feel about him, they've known him all their lives after all. When DH was hospitalised for two weeks with delusions and hallucinations DD took over all the legal side of things and was a great help.