Stepson wants more from late father

We decided long ago, and told all children,his and mine, that our estate would go to the remaining partner then eventually that would be divided equally between them all.

When we wrote a will when our children were young our solicitor suggested all property/assets to go to the surviving spouse. On the deaths of the surviving spouse half the assets devided between all husbands children and the other half divided between the children of our marriage. We both felt that was fare at the time. Sorry for your loss.

In law, your late husband's estate is now yours. It is not your late husband's. Your step-son has no right to know what you intend to do with YOUR money.

ap123 I would feel just the same if my own biological children had questioned the will and their father's intentions.

It is crass, selfish and insensutive.

I have been constantly asking dss how he is feeling since the death. I haven't yet had a call or text from him to find out how I'm feeling. It casts a shadow over my grief and recovery

My dad died in January of this year. His wife had always been hostile towards my brother and I, which got progessively worse during my dads illness. She had a son from a previous relationship and two further children with my dad. We contributed towards the cost of my dads funeral (out of duty to our dad - despite a recent redundancy), but we know that his wife has no intention of sharing assets. I'm not going to contest this but I fully understand your step-sons point of view. You are a parent for life! One thing I learnt from my own experience is to ensure I make provisions for all my children (step children or not).

If this son from the first marriage is 40 and you have been married 35 years, he was five when you got married? It sounds like there is more water under that bridge since you obviously don't have an emotional attachment to the little boy that became the man who is now challenging his father's will. His question and his attitude are perhaps a reflection on that. Since you don't see him as your son he doesn't see you as his mother and hence doesn't have to have any regard to your feelings, just look after himself.

Trueblue22 So sorry for your sudden loss. Grieve in piece, your anger, frustration and all the other emotions are all part of grieving. Be kind to yourself, forget about who gets what in your will. You can do so many things you may regret during the grieving period, believe you me.

I lost my DH in June 2014 and although to all intense and purpose I should have recovered by now. it is by no means the case. Put aside making any serious decision until you are truly ready and only deal with what is really essential at this time of the process.

I wish you peace and hope you can all be of comfort to each other including your DSS during this difficult time.

As a legal professional it is reasonable to assume that your husband knew exactly what he wanted to happen. You have carried out his wishes as he instructed. No further discussion needed. Your email reply is polite and final. Stick with it secure in the knowledge you have done what your husband wanted. Grieve in peace and resist any further involvement.

This is exactly why these kinds of conversations need to be had before death. If the late husband did not want to provide further for his eldest son it would have been kinder if he had explained this perhaps in a letter before his death, as it is the eldest feels like he is a second class citizen. All the talk of foot ball tickets and legal advice are red herrings these are all part of normal parenting and should not be totted up, the OP also talks about help that her late husband offered to his ex wife but this is nothing to do with the SS he is a child of the father and has the right to be treated equally to his siblings

We have written a letter to my husbands daughter to go with will. Explains why we r not leaving her more. Solicitor advised us.

I feel you have done all you should do at the moment and I'm sorry for your loss. Unfortunately this seems to happen when there are children from a previous marriage. Take time to grieve and look after yourself; everything else can wait

Starbird I agree with your post 100% and you have put it much better than me.

Fiirst of all I am so sorry for your loss.

It sounds as if your DSS will be well provided for from his mother's side of his family and has his own home thanks to his father. From what you say he has received generous help from his father over the years which your DH has taken into account and treated all his children equally in his bequests so I do think your DSS is behaving irrationally probably through grief. He is probably feelling angry over his loss and lashing out.

Your brief response is enough and if you say any more you may regret it in the future. Dignified silence is usually the best policy.

My deepest sympathy to you and the children, for losing your husband so suddenly, and now having to cope with being the executor.
The fact that your late husband took into account the money already given to his son when making the bequests, makes it absolutely clear that he did not intend his son to have more. I assume your son has seen the will? If not it may help for him to see it if you are happy with that.

It was insensitive for him to ask at this time, apart from anything else, you may have 20 or 30 years more to live so why is he asking now? Could it be that he just wants to know where he stands so that he can plan his future? It seems that he has received a lot of help from you and your husband in the past and now he has to stand on his own two feet, it might be a shock for him to cope with after having a father to lean on. Perhaps he was assuming that the bank of dad was always going to be there and now he has to face the reality of standing on his own two feet (not before time). For example, if he is a freelance writer with an unreliable income, he may now have to think about changing his job and getting a regular salaried position. He may also be being influenced by someone else (wife or mother) ? Try not to think badly of him, he may just be a typical insensitive, slightly selfish man (especially if he is single - he has not learnt to be otherwise!). I agree that your reply was all that was needed and hope he accepts that and allows you to grieve in peace. Assuming that he does now drop the matter having just clarified where he stands, I hope that you and your daughters will still make him welcome as part of the family.

It sounds as though you have enough on your plate with having to sell a property and sort out the provisions in the will. I hope you can stray strong and once everything is sorted, you can take time to grieve and perhhaps, in time, pamper yourself and take a complete break away from it all.

illtellhim It isn't true that a will can always be contested in court. There are far fewer grounds than people often think and without grounds an application can be struck out at a very early stage. Unless the DH was not of sound mind (which clearly he wasn't), the son was a dependent (usually this means being disabled or still being in full time education) or in some way contributed towards the value of the estate, a claim is unlikely to succeed. There is nothing in the OP to suggest that this is something she needs to worry about.

Trueblue2 People behave strangely in grief and often have strange ideas of entitlement so it is difficult for anyone else to judge your stepson. I think that you have to just try to put it out of your mind and hope that he does not raise it again. It does not sound like either of you want to have a longer term relationship so you need to try not to dwell on it and, as people have said, remember that he has lost his father twice and not judge him too harshly just for this.

Why don't you put it to one side for the moment, but tell your DSS that the 2 of you will talk about everything, face-to-face, in the near future. You can then explain your point of view and he his. You're dealing with so much loss and should be left alone at this stage.

So sorry for you and at present you cannot make any decisions as you have had enough to contend with.
The will says it all so do not be pressurised into making any commitments to your stepson until you are able to get some normality back in your life following the shock of losing your DH. If he has any compassion he will understand.

I would have thought he'd be too upset at the loss of his father to be thinking about what he can get from his death. I know we all handle grief differently but still, he showed no concern for how you are feeling. If his father wanted him to have more he would have made provisions for him in the will apart from what you have mentioned and probably discussed it with you. You owe him nothing more than what his father left him in the will. Look after yourself right now as you are the one that has suffered the biggest loss as while he was a big part of his children's lives, he WAS your life. I am so sorry for your loss and that you have had to deal with such an inappropriate request/demand.

I am sure the eldest son is grief stricken too

He is mot her son. She has children. He has a mother.

If OP had died first then her share of the estate would've been separated and divided between her children. What remained would've been her husbands money. And he can then decide to do with his money as he wishes.

This is very very common. It comes up a lot on mind groups. The general consensus is that the parents provide for their children. So SM only provide for their bios.

I do sympathise with you. I married a man with 4 children and a wife he divorced some years ago and it has greatly upset me how one of the daughters has openly asked my husband what was in his will and there have been horrible discussions in my presence where they have complained that he has favoured his son when they are struggling.

I would tend to tell the one who is bothering you that at present you are very grief stricken but will carry out your husband's wishes.

I believe that if you leave the sum of at least £1000 to a child from a first marriage they cant contest it
I only know this because my daughters ex husband had little contact really with his daughter from first marriage
When he made a will this was advised by his solicitor
I dont know if this is still the case,it was about 20 years ago

I guess that's an nicer way than my suggestion of "Get lost!"

Simply answer his question without the emotion. "I'm afraid there isn't anything more coming your way, dear." That way, he'll know and can move on accordingly.

I'm sending you a hug op as it sounds like you need one.
Wills, money and chattels bring out the worst in some people.
It sounds like your step son had a great relationship with his father. He was helped along the way financially and in kind and your husband has left provision for him in his will. What you choose to do in your final will is really your business. I wouldn't make any decisions in grief though.
I got absolutely nothing when my father died apart from his darts! My step mum gave away his clothes and tools to her brother!! I was very hurt but they were only things at the end of the day. I'm not driven by money, just aswell as I don't think dad had any!
Good luck with your decision ?