Can you be born unhappy?

I haven't read to the end of all these threads but am surprised that the majority so far do not believe in nurture over nature. I was, allegedly, (informed by an aunt when I was in my 50's) an unplanned child and as such can imagine my DM resenting being pregnant before she was ready and, to be fair, whilst living in a one-bedroom flat with no bathroom, up a flight of concrete stairs, no garden, etc, it was not ideal. I can imagine my father trying to compensate and giving me lots of affection, which I can imagine made my mother jealous, so he withdrew it. Looks were all important to them and attention was drawn to my 'bad points' (particularly by my father), giving me an inferiority complex, which it has taken me until my 50's to shed. My father was always telling me as a child to 'cheer up' without any understanding or empathy. After counselling in my late 40's, I came to value myself and to work out why I was as I was - insecure, low mood, glass half-empty much of the time. I came to realise that my father's huge inferiority complex was passed on to me; my mother's insecurity was passed on to me. I am sure in their own way they did love me but I don't think I felt it - security was there but there certainly wasn't unconditional positive regard. I firmly believe this upbringing made me as I am/was. On the other hand my DH is positive to the point of being exasperating! Nothing but nothing gets him down; he is always cheerful and an eternal optimist (opposites attracting again). His parents had waited ten years for his arrival so you can imagine they were beside themselves with joy and he knew nothing but unconditional love. Only a sample of two but it makes sense to me and I see the same in our children (having determined not to repeat my parents mistakes) who are very positive (thank goodness). DGS is surrounded by love from all sides and is the happiest little lad you could ever wish to meet. So, if you are a glass half-empty person, I do believe it is worth taking an objective view of your upbringing and working through it, ideally with the help of an outsider; understanding why you are as you are can help you change. Siblings often turn out differently from each other and there can be subtle (or less subtle) differences in upbringing that you aren't aware of at the time. My brother and I are very different - by the time he came along we had moved to a wonderful home in the country and he was planned and he was a BOY; Mum was much more relaxed and had the boy she wanted. I often wonder how we would have turned out if he had been born first and Dad had been allowed to lavish his affection on me! The sun in shining - I am off to the garden to enjoy it while I can!

Nobody is happy all the time. It's better to be content in general and with nice happy moments.

Well said Norah

Well, really they "see" much more. But what we "see" is fabulous.

Oh my gilly, you are quite clever, intelligent, funny and caring! Start by not putting yourself down. Your loving husband, son, dil, daughter and wonderful DGC all see the lovely woman we discern here.

An intelligent woman is the one thing I'm not
Anniebach or I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing !

I don't think you are being self pitying at all devongirl I on the other hand
My sister keeps telling me to go to the GP's and "demand medication" ( her words) . But I don't want to take pills . Anyway pills can't make you happy can they ?
I'm truly sorry for all those people who say they can relate to how I feel despite having lots to be grateful for . Chasing happiness is like looking for an elusive bluebird that you just catch site of but when you try to get a better look it's gone .

Gilly, I believe we never lose the child within no matter our age . You were - very funny and quite clever? You have a great sense of humour and your posts show you are an intellegent woman, so ? ?

gilly, it makes me really sad to hear hpw you are feeling.

I can relate to some of your story: after marrying becoming a mother after many years of being by myself, I split from my husband and became a single parent.

At 24 my DD has moved back in for the summer having made various half-hearted and temporary attempts at moving out and I'm desperately missing my 'alone' time as she has no friends here and is dependent on me for company, and at home whenever I'm at home. I feely really guilty about this but I feel that I've done my caring and should be able to have a life of my own - on my own - now, and sometimes wonder if I'll ever get it, or whether I shall still be young enough to do all the things I want by then.

Reading this over, it sounds very self-pitying and self-indulgent, but I get really down. What a misery-guts!

Ha ha Anniebach I'm not sure I know who "I" am. When I was a teenager 14-16 I was apparently very funny and quite clever . I had lots of friends and was quite popular . Being a mum at 18 meant I lost all that and the rest is history . I really wanted a career in caring ( I guess in a round about way I got one but was hoping to actually earn money from it) DH said that when we met ( I was newly diagnosed with MS ) he was in awe of my strength, positivity and sense of humour . Blimey I think he must've been thinking if another Gilly . Certainly doesn't seem like me at all . I think you're right . We do often use humour and silliness as a way of coping and hiding our true feelings .

Gillybob, that is not being a fake, often it is a way of protecting one's self , not allowing the world to know one is vulnerable, it can also be low self esteem.

You have forgotten how to be you?

Oh to be "happy go lucky by nature" POGS I wonder if that comes with being free of too much responsibility and the ability to follow your dream?

I'm just a fake . A bit like those comedians who laugh and tell jokes on stage but are depressives in "real life".

My result is ' Entertainer ' and I must admit I had to agree with both the positives and negatives described about my personality. Quite uncanny.

As for the OP I honestly don't know what to make of the nature / nuture thought. I know some fairly miserable folk who I know had a kind and happy upbringing but are different to their kin . Likewise I know of a couple who had wretched childhoods who are sociable, funny, happy people. Of course how we portray of ourselves to the outside world could be different to how we are behind our own closed front door but you can only go on a generalisation of how you find them can't you. It is very difficult to sustain a happy personality for a long period of time without the cracks showing however and I believe they are genuinely content and happy go lucky by nature.

I must say gillybob the description you give of yourself surprises me and I have not detected the person you describe yourself to be, obviously by gleaning very limited knowledge of your personality by reading your posts on GN. Whether or not I agree with you on some topics matters not one jot but I do find you have a wit about you and I would never have guessed you were an 'unhappy type' who had no friends. Please take that as a compliment.

I agree about the black cloud coming from nowhere cheerfulllizzy it's as though I am not allowed to feel happy and at the slightest hint the cloud comes over me. Someday I could just cry and cry and I don't even know what I'm crying for ? Am I crying for lost opportunities, things that will never be ? Things I can't change? My mum? My grandma ? Or all of those things ? My second husband died very young and yet I don't cry when I think of him. Why is that? I have been a carer for most of my life from being a mother at 18 to bring s single parent twice over , then looking after my beloved grandma for years and years until she died at the end of 2015 ( I will never get over losing her) then losing my mum last year . My dad is very dependant on me now and I look after my grandchildren a lot too . ( something that does bring me great joy) but it's like when can I just be me? In the blink of an eye I can turn me from being almost happy to being very miserable. When I say silly things here on GN it's like if I joke about something then I am painting a different picture of myself . Sorry for rambling it's so hard to explain .

There is good evidence that deficiencies of both Vitamin D and the Omega-3 Fatty Acids play a major part in Depression, and that what you eat plays a big part in your happy outlook - or not !

Here are links to evidence:
Vitamin D Wiki
Vitamin D Council
What To Do About Depression
Omega-3
Omega-3 Studies

Here are blood tests that show the levels of Fatty Acids, based on the foods that the person has eaten for the past 60-90 days:
USA: Omega-3 test ( suggest test Omega-3 Index Plus )
Europe: Omega-3 test

It would be interesting to hear from others who have achieved successes in making these changes in diet and lifestyle
.

Gillybob I'm really sorry you feel this way. You come over so differently on GN and I always like to hear what you have to say - even if I don't always agree! I'm new to GN so don't know much about your family background etc but you seem
to be totally committed to them. Sometimes I just "act" being happy and it actually makes me feel better! But I'm not unhappy all the time, in fact I'm probably happier now, in my early 60s, than I've ever been. I'm not going to say "count your blessings" but I will say "look at the good you've done/are doing" and give yourself !

Just did the test, seems I am a challenger and on the whole I agree with it. Gillybob, I also don't have any real friends, just one who I see every few years and that is it. I am not lonely or feel left out, if I want company and someone to chat to I can always find someone. Saying that I feel happy and content I felt I was a happy child and had a lovely carefree childhood and teenage years with parents who brought us up to be independent from an early age. I reckon it's I in your genes with a bit of how you were brought up.

just completed the test..I'm a Protagonist....
thanks for sharing the link Hildajennij

Gillybob, I can recommend a little book called Happiness, by Daniel Nettle. He is an academic, but the book is very readable summary of what is known scientifically about the phenomenon of human happiness. Some of it is actually quite surprising. I think if you read it, it would take away any guilt you might feel about not feeling completely happy. It is not a self-help book as such, but as they say, knowledge is power, and the power in this case, is to understand oneself better.

oh Gillybob, I can really identify with you,
I know just what you mean about having things to be grateful for but that 'this is something different'
I think I was a very happy child, kind mum & dad, It was when I became the fully fledged mature adult that the sinking negative feelings set in...like a black cloud that comes out of nowhere, & for no particular reason, Yes., it is hard to find things to be overjoyed about.
I also understand about having no friends, I too lost touch with friends of days gone by, now at 55 care for dad by visiting him a few days a week, and wait on hubby hand and foot..(my own doing partly)and although I adore and have a wonderful daughter, son ,daughter-in-law and gorgeous granddaughter, I often feel alone...maybe because I'm an only child ?, I don't know. often feel sad when I see others my age with their sisters etc, in a coffee shop , or out shopping, and dearly wish I had one to go out with!! perhaps that's partly a reason for my not being 'truly happy' they say we have a choice to be happy or unhappy, I'm trying to make the choice to be happy...I really am! but easier said than done!, xx

I've just done the test using HildaJenniJ's link. Same result as when I did the Myers-Briggs weekend many, many years ago. Advocate INFJ-T. Gosh, I'm only 1% of the population. The analysis of this personality type was pretty accurate for me.
As I get older I've reflected that I don't remember any prolonged periods of happiness, if I felt happy I always felt that something would be lurking round the corner to upskittle me. My default setting is feeling miserable - but I don't think other people see me as miserable, I'm generally seen as cheerful, calm and full of laughter.

My first baby was born unhappy. She cried for most of her first seven years, she was a terribly sensitive child and nothing was ever right for her. If I had ever heard of Asperger's at that time I would have know for sure that she had it, I'm a bit Aspie and have an autistic grandchild.
Aged seven she changed totally, cheered up, loved school and grew into a very happy adult. She was much better at being grown up than being a child.

Not sure we can be brought up in the 'same way' as our siblings. Our position in the family affects us. And we r affected by our siblings too. I was a middle child and never felt I was as loved as my siblings. Probably totally untrue but that's how it seemed to me!

I think people can be born unlucky, and that can make them unhappy.
I have nothing to smile about at the moment, but when I think back I cannot truly think of a time when I have felt happy and secure and not worried about money, or other issues. I will not go into it all here, but suffice it to say it includes a dead child, a marriage to a conman, and finding the love of my life, only for him to be seriously ill and then develop dementia.
At the moment I have £26 in my purse and £177 in the bank and cheques to the value of £200 to go out - now that is money worries !
It's what life throws at so many of us.
As my youngest son says when something goes wrong for him

" it's all your fault Mum!" and when I ask why he says " Because you have nothing but bad luck and I am your son" Ha ha ha

I was born on a Wednesday....total rubbish about being full of woe! It's all to do with upbringing and the people you surrround yourselves with. I have a big family and we are always getting together and having a really good laugh. I would say we are all well educated with good humour and a keen wit....that counts for a lot. I do think pessimism and anxiety are to do with upbringing. Having an anxious and miserable childhood must affect your general outlook on life.

OOmamOO I agree with what you wrote. Even now at 80 I feel younger than some middle aged people.