Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

£2.50. Plus the "bugger" that I said earlier, and this time,........ that makes £2.70 in total. Not going to get us much is it lemon? We need a fund raising event..... ? A swearing contest? I'm pretty good at that although usually at work. Or we could have a fashion show? I got some new wellies yesterday.

What about a mini fete in the bar? Home made things of all kinds and a bit of ferret racing?
I can offer tattoos ( I have been practising) for £1 a go
Home made potato sherry,
Knitted rats ( kids love 'em!)
And a tombola, as I have a lot of out of date bottles and cans in the larder.

But Gistang is dead lemon! Even I can't race a dead ferret!

Ah, but my plan is to get more of the little blighters dears.I will now go and see a man about a ferret.Wink, nod.

By the way, we forgot to bury Gordon, we just had the wake,(and very good it was too,) I think he is in the cellar somewhere.Your dept Chewbacca I think, take a bin bag and a pair of marigolds with you.?

Don't fancy going down in that cellar looking for a ferret that's been dead a fortnight!
Why do I get all the rubbish jobs and Marydoll gets to go to Rome looking for bar staff?

Well, she didn't really 'get ' to go, she just stole the swear box money and ran off.
There will have to be a reckoning about that when she returns.
Somebody has to dispose of Glastonbury, and he did belong to you, after all, now get going and stop whinging, and when you have done that, and washed your hands thoroughly, I would like a flat white coffee please and two jam donuts!

What's been happening since I been away? Standards please we have standards, you lot are a disgrace to the Argy, all these random men and strange drinks I don't know what to think

Think what you like. FYI ( it's GN, so we use anachronisms) I saved up my tips from the Argy to pay for my trip, the swear box only paid for my new outfits.

I was nearly arrested by the carbionieri today. I purchased a very large ice cream, and I mean VERY large, and it started dripping everywhere. I moved into a doorway to try and clean myself up, as it was melting very quickly. Unfortunately, unknown to Big Jim and I, we were standing at the entrance to the police station. We were being watched on CTV and a very handsome policeman, complete with lots of braid came out to ask us to move on, as we were dripping ice cream all over the terracotta tiles and fake olive trees. I may not be back for some time. So the reckoning will have to wait.

PS, I have persuaded the handsome young policeman and his friends to visit the Argy caff. You are all in for a treat.

Oooh! When will they be coming here, I need a new outfit.
Italians like glitz and bling so I will look out for a sequined miniskirt , and wear it with silver leggings and a pink faux fur bra top ( I want to look my best!)
Clear the decks! Batten down the hatches! And get everything in here shipshape and Bristol fashion Marydoll and don't forget to order in some more plum gin as well as pork scratchings, pickled eggs and peanuts.
This is so exciting.?

Has anybody seen my ginger wig? Have a terrible feeling that we may have buried it instead of Gerhardt, who may be still in the cellar.?

Come to think of it, has anyone seen my teeth? I know I had them in last Tuesday when I tackled a gherkin with my bar lunch.

Don't hold your breath lemon. That husky Marydoll scarpered with the swear box money and legged it to Italy, allegedly "looking for bar staff". Humph! That went well didn't it? We've seen niether hide nor hair of Marydoll or the sexy Italian waiters.

I'd keep your leopard skin suspender belt for another day if I were you lemon.

Goods news, I'm back from Rome?
The bad news, I haven't brought any staff, they were too exhausted to travel.? Anyway, they were all on the verge of retirement, so they had little stamina.
However, I did meet a very fit pilot........ He is so handsome in his uniform. ( You know I can't resist a uniform). I've invited him to the Argy the next time he is in town and asked him to bring the co-op pilot. You will just have to take turns. The pilot is all mine. Get the leopard skin kit out. We want to impress them.
Get the glasses out, I have brought back a stash of homemade Limoncello. However, we will have to water it down, it is like firewater.

Hello laydees, sorry for barging in like this. You see, I'm new here and Id just popped out iny jammies for a pint of milk. Don't suppose you have any, do you? While I'm waiting I think I'll have a lovely glass of port and of course I would love to buy you all a refreshment or three. Cheers dears

You are sooooooo welcome. We need new blood.
MILK!!!? We NEVER drink milk! You may have a snifter of watered down Limoncello.

taps foot impatiently And what exactly are we getting as a return on the swear box kitty Marydoll ? So far you've spent our cussing money on a pair of leopard skin shoes; a wide brimmed hat; a pair of winged diamanté sunglasses, 2 pair of pink plastic sandals that done fit anybody and a bottle of dodgy Limoncello that no one can drink. Anything else to show?

Don't touch the Limoncello MesMopTop, whatever you do! I took one sip whilst smoking a cigarette and the fumes ignited. I've got no eyelashes and half an eyebrow.

Well........as this is public forum, I couldn't possibly say?I shall leave it to your already over active imagination.

hussy

We'll have to keep the Limoncello for when the loo gets blocked again, must be good for that I suppose? Any excuses as to why the waiters were suddenly rendered "too old and incapable "? they were only 23 afterall

That's for me to know and for you to use your over active imagination?

sounds ominous!

You have obviously used that imagination?

Hells teeth! I admire your stamina!

Mesmop we have plenty of baileys if you want to put that on your cornflakes and you are very welcome btw