Statements never likely to be said.

You've started work early, and finished work late every day for 12 years Chewbacca, have tomorrow off.

I can't wait to see our friendly dental hygienist again. She's so much fun.

I'd much rather stay home and help you to clean the patio than go fishing, dear! (ME).

Imperfect

(From DH) Goodness me, your credit card bill is low this month!

Oh goody, oven cleaning day, my world is complete.

I will throw out all my books and concentrate on cooking, sewing and other housewifely attributes

Should point out that in the 'never' scenario, it is DH saying this

Sit down, and i'll get you a drink, darling. I've done all the housework and dinner is nearly ready. Oh, and i have sorted out birthday cards for all this month's birthdays.

"I've got a job mum" from adult autistic son.

Ooh a lovely hot curry from me

Yes, your bum looks absolutely enormous in that!

If it was Grampy.... I don't want Shepherds pie ever again !!

I'm going to crack on with some decorating darling....(from DH)

I am really not very hungry......

I think I may be too slim.

Let's get a dog! ( from DH)

Don't worry, I will clear up the cat sick as I saw it first.

Endless fun

..three glasses of red every night is the best thing you could do for good health????

Shall I drive for a change, dear?

There are NO unexpected items in your bagging area.

I only eat when I'm hungry and never between meals.

Oh, I eat lots of cakes, biscuits and sweets and never put on an ounce!

So sorry teacher, of course my child's bad behaviour and poor attitude to learning are my parental responsibility ...

Your grocery shopping bill today comes to £150.01, madam, but don't worry about the 1p.

Jeremy Corbyn 'of course Labour and the Tories have a lot in common.'
Sorry. Went a bit political but it could have been a lot worse!!