Statements never likely to be said.

That new anti wrinkle miracle cream has worked, not a wrinkle to be seen any where

My taxi/bus/train/plane was on time ...

Here's that money I borrowed from you last month

I didn't have to stop for road-works anywhere today.

And the winner of this year's X Factor - Mama Caz.

Jeremy Corbyn 'of course Labour and the Tories have a lot in common.'
Sorry. Went a bit political but it could have been a lot worse!!

Your grocery shopping bill today comes to £150.01, madam, but don't worry about the 1p.

So sorry teacher, of course my child's bad behaviour and poor attitude to learning are my parental responsibility ...

Oh, I eat lots of cakes, biscuits and sweets and never put on an ounce!

I only eat when I'm hungry and never between meals.

There are NO unexpected items in your bagging area.

Shall I drive for a change, dear?

..three glasses of red every night is the best thing you could do for good health????

Don't worry, I will clear up the cat sick as I saw it first.

Endless fun

Let's get a dog! ( from DH)

I think I may be too slim.

I am really not very hungry......

I'm going to crack on with some decorating darling....(from DH)

If it was Grampy.... I don't want Shepherds pie ever again !!

Yes, your bum looks absolutely enormous in that!

"I've got a job mum" from adult autistic son.

Ooh a lovely hot curry from me

Sit down, and i'll get you a drink, darling. I've done all the housework and dinner is nearly ready. Oh, and i have sorted out birthday cards for all this month's birthdays.

Should point out that in the 'never' scenario, it is DH saying this

I will throw out all my books and concentrate on cooking, sewing and other housewifely attributes