How do you take care of yuorself when you are a carer?

Epic fail today - lost my debit card - simply so stressed out I did something stupid with it - left it at the till in the supermarket, or on the side where people pack things. Realised within minutes, but it was gone ... a.n.other headache with bank / cancellation etc.

On the plus front ...bought myself the most shamelessly large Belgian bun you can imagine - and one for DS as well - his soon disappeared! Also bought some nice new comfy clothes for when I do carer training next week. At least I will feel good and that I look as neat as I can.

And I popped into the photo-shop and printed off a picture of DH with his son that I took on his birthday so that will be nice for him to come home to.

Little treats ... good therapy xx

Excellent post Granny23

I am so pleased to read that your DH has had his Day Therapy extended for another 6 weeks. I presume that means yet another battle to come then?

Good article from one Carer's point of view:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-41172439

Odd you should quote that illtellhim and yet you say you enjoy internet dating
I think it was annsixty who said she wondered if any of us realised what we signed up for all those years ago, but that is life isn't it?
Like parents who care for handicapped children or children (sometimes quite young or like us, adult) who care for elderly or disabled parents. That is what society is about.
Not the "me, me, me" attitude we see too often.
It all falls apart if we ignore the responsibilities of relationships, love has its price after all. Likewise friendship which must also be predicated on give and take.
This is not an attempt at a solution, but pointing out that we ALL have a responsibility to others and cannot leave it all to the "professionals" although I for one am very grateful for what support I and Paw get at present.

I'm afraid that your post Illtellhim has been a bit of a thread killer. While the sentiment is admirable, and most of us would agree wholeheartedly (as I do though I am not at all religious) it presupposes that only one person in the partnership is in need of 'care' at a time. This thread has been about 'who cares for the carer' - given that this is a Grandparent's site, it is reasonable to suppose that most of the contributors are older folk who are likely to have some health problems of their own. Who is to look after them if their life partner is not able to through illness or disability?

Also, not all marriages/long term partnerships have been happy and fulfilling, with mutual support and give and take. Marriage vows may have been broken or the couple may have stayed together for convenience or the children's sake, with no love between them. Yet the partner left standing is expected/forced to undertake the caring role. I am not in that position but I know several women who are, Even I am now caring for a much loved husband who is changing into a stranger, without shared memories, who keeps asking 'when am I going home' - he means to his childhood home, although we have lived in this house for 45 years and he renovated it extensively and built the extension with his own hands.

To end on a positive note, the NP at the Day Therapy Unit has arranged for DH to continue attending on Wednesdays for another 6 weeks and has contacted the Day Care providers, urging them to 'fast track' DH's referral. Hooray.

to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy law. In the presence of God I make this vow.

It could so easily have been the other way around, I'm just thankful that OH is still alive.

The voluntary agencies often receive funding on either a local or national basis to carry out these caring roles, cassandra. I think this is a good way to use resources!

dealing!

When it comes to emotional support, I have my DDs of course, but I also pay to go to a private counselor - I worry about the expenditure and sometimes feel it is hard to justify it, but there is nothing available on NHS, and sealing with his paranoia is something I find very hard.

But.......he has been a bit better as regards this the last couple of days as the drugs reduce, so fingers crossed. We just need to find some replacement drug to improve his movement etc., which has deteriorated along with the reduction.

Loving wishes to all you wonderful people in a caring role. We can do this thing!

When I was in this position I went to the hospice office once a week for 'carers' meet-ups' which were very helpful. It got me out and meeting others in the same situation. Also DH went to the hospice weekly for day-care. That's not to say it takes away all the stress and worry but it was a great help. That was when I lived in the South West.
After DH passed away I went to a bereavement group. It was all worth its weight in gold as I may have had a nervous breakdown otherwise, instead it helped me to deal with my sadness.
My sister was a carer for dad in the Midlands - very little help given, result - nervous breakdown after his death. The thing is you have to say YES to emotional support whenever it's offered. Don't turn it down. If you don't ask you don't get - they'll think you're managing.

I have had much more help and support in my caring role from the appropriate voluntary agencies than ever I have from the mainstream.Through them I have found more supportive informal contact, occasional short breaks and opportunities to attend events with the person I look after which have included activities such as crafts or the chance to enjoy a free, relaxing head massage! The best thing though is having contact with others in similar situations so you don't become isolated.

I can sympathize so much with your predicament, during a period of 17 years, I looked after my own family, held down a good job, battled with Fibromyalgia and on top of that supported my sick and ailing parents. Don't get me wrong I didn't begrudge anytime I gave to any of the above. That was until two years ago, a light came on, and I realised I never had time for me, I felt rubbish to say the least. This is what happened next, I started to look into Mindfulness, whether it might help me. I signed up for a 6 week class. Really enjoyed the quiet meditative moments. I now practice Mindfulness, I have chosen this way to live, it helps me to remain calm, less stressed, I can practice at home. Better still my Fibromyalgia has improved considerably.
I know there is no magic wand to change things, but I hope you find some peace and calm eventually.?

Carer to husband with dementia and muscle wastage. I get four hours a week to go out (carer comes two hours two days. I am exhausted. I carry on because there is no option. No help from family. I'm tired.

Have the wine Lucky and have a taxi number and the cash to hand! Or phone 111 for a paramedic! Seriously!

Mixed day here. Could kill a glass of wine! If I have wine I cannot drive if DS has another emergency... Bah!

Actually, just today, the outcome of an app at our psychiatric hospital, is that DH is going to be assessed at a day ward, possibly twice a week for possibly four weeks - a wonderful break for me, and our DD, who has learning difficulties and lives at home. More importantly though, we may get a more definitive opinion re the meds or PD dementia. It may be both, of course. So pleased about this development! Re the lighter side - DH said today that he didn't know who I was (a first). When the psych asked who he thought I might be, he said 'a lookalike'! I assured them both that he certainly wouldn't choose another me, but a much younger model!

Getting out! This is becoming harder though. (Waiting to see Social Work for the first time. They may come up with some help).
Having my DG's, though is also becoming harder.
Eating too much chocolate. (It's not affecting my weight, but I'm aware of other health issues - diabetes, cancer etc!)
Reading a good book.
Knitting

The mantra on our Alzheimer's Society Carer's Courses is that it isn't your responsibility and if you don't do it, SS will have to. So play that card for all it's worth.

What Skweek1 is talking about is available everywhere - spread the word and access it your selves.

You can ask your sons C.P.N. for a carers assessment, and there should be a local carers group, ask at your G.P.'s they should have the number.

I am in awe of you all and hope if I have to become my DH's carer in the future that I can face it with your fortitude.

It really does help, I think, to hear about others' situations.
I went to carers group once, and every person that told a little about their situation drew sympathy from others, whose own circumstances were far from idyllic.

Thank you @annsixty - what will be, will be! And if it all goes pete tong, I know I can pop on here and chat to you lot xx

Glad to know this thread has been helpful - GN is indeed a an amazing community and there are so many people coping with similar stresses with such humanity and humour.

My DS is a little better today and I have just been offered a job as a community carer subject to checks. Things to lift me.

Heartfelt hurrah for all you wonderful people who are doing so much for your nearest and dearest, often at cost to yourselves. [ flowers]

You are in the most difficult place imaginable Dianic
The very best of wishes to you and your DH.

Wow!! I feel so blessed having read these posts... I'm a bit of a lurker, but today I need to tell you that you're all coping so well.

I've been my DH's carer for 17 years now - he's riddled with osteo-arthritis, wheelchair user outside the home, has IBS, survived 2 bouts of cancer and is battling skin cancer after a dreadful operation some years ago, where the clinic cocked up his op., his graft and then refused to believe it was infected. Bunch of tossers - he could smell his own nose rotting! He knows he'll lose his entire nose at some point, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it...

Anyway, he's an amazing man and I'm lucky that he's still as active as possible. Although I "care" for him he helps himself as much as possible. He's 65 now and I'll be 60 next year so I know things will get harder. In the meantime, I work at Morrisons twice a week (2 x 4-hour shifts) and they've been very accommodating because I've been there 6 years, do my job and don't get involved in all the "power plays" etc.!

We have a 22 y.o. DD who recently separated from her DP, although they're still on good terms - and the most adorable hurricane of a DGS who's just over 18 months old. Seeing them twice a week and face-timing daily is a blessing.

Sometimes, when DH has bad days (damaged kidney gives him a lot of extra pain now and again), I get quite frustrated because there's so little I can do to ease the pain and he can become really acerbic... and I have had the occasional bouts of tears wondering how we will manage later in life, especially if they amputate one of his legs/when he loses his nose to the bloody skin cancer.

However, I love books (though it takes me longer to get through them now, 'cos I tend to doze off!), play games on my iPad and have 2 rescue dogs who are my solace. I also do voluntary work for a dog rescue - with DH - and all that keeps us pretty busy.

Bless you all who are in a far more difficult place than me xxx