The only thing that has reduced my stress levels has been ACCEPTANCE and my new motto = 'Onwards and Downwards. Trying to carve out some 'me time' when I could continue with some aspects of my usual political and community activities has proved in general not possible through lack of alternative care for DH and his extreme reluctance to accompany me to any gathering unless it is with family only. It is far less stressful for me, DH and our DDs if I just accept that that part of my life is over (other than being a Keyboard Warrior).
This is the penultimate week for DH attending Day Therepy 10.00 to 15.00 on Wednesdays and we have had visits from the Carer's worker and social worker explaining what support they can offer e.g. 1 day a week day care BUT there is a 10 month waiting list; 3 days respite care BUT again a waiting list and random availability such that you cannot book a short break and book respite for that time.
I have a full file of fliers, listing social activities, training courses for carers, social activities, etc. Not a single one of these has a concurrent provision for the 'cared for' person. I have managed to attend some of these (on Wednesdays) and discovered that all the other Carers present were able to be there because their relative was now in residential care or attending some sort of sheltered workshop.
So many services look good on paper but on closer inspection there are caveats. For instance - we were offered hospital transport to take DH to and from his Day Therapy.....BUT in order to take advantage of this DH would have to be washed, dressed and breakfasted and ready to go by 8.30 as he might be the first or last (9.45)to be picked up. Now on a normal day it takes around 2 hours to get DH up, shaved, showered and hair washed (he is obsessive about this), clothes chosen, help to get dressed, something to eat, pills taken, hearing aids found and put in. So we would have to be up around 6 or 6.30 in order to be ready for 8.30, with the probability of over an hours pacing about anxiously waiting for the transport to arrive.
I have been driving him there myself - much less stressful and if he IS being difficult then we arrive a bit late - So What?
I was never one for Beauty, or Shopping Therepy, have solved the 'lunch with the girls' gap by simply inviting them to lunch here while DH usually ignores them, potters about or sleeps in front of the TV. He used to make the Teas and Coffees but has lost the ability to follow everyone's differing recipes, often popping a last minute Tbag into each cup (including the coffees) in case he had forgotten. I have been able to devote more time to my other passion i.e. organic produce growing and preserving and have a chock a block freezer and approaching 100 jars of jam, jelly and chutney to show for it.
I am trying to convince myself that the daily 'Hunt the...' Keys, Hearing Aids, Pills, Glasses, Remote, Diary, etc. is an enjoyable game but not quite got there yet.