Giving comfort

Am a serial hugger?But only with close family and friends who reciprocate.
Any neighbour or acquaintance wouldn't want to be hugged would they?
I think you did the right thing overthe hill
Listening quietly and responding with sympathy is all that's needed.

DH knows someone who strokes his arm and he loathes it! Neither of us like being hugged (except by each other or children or grandchildren!) even then DH doesn't hug our son, only the daughter!

DS2 (deceased) was a very tactile, hugger type chap! If he saw me in town when he was on lunch break from college, he would come hurtling across the square to hug me!

His brother, DS1, is a cold fish.

We're a family who hug easily and our large friendship group is the same. I never touch anyone I don't know well, and like others I loathe the head one one side, ahhh poor you accompanied with a hug or a stroke on the arm. Brings out the worst in me. Surprisingly, given how demonstrative our family and friends are, I'm reserved with people I don't know well.

When I worked we had a lady join us temporarily. She had just returned from time off for a breakdown. She wanted part time but was put in a full time post with us. I literally carried her for the two weeks she was with us until she lost the plot in the office.

The manager asked me if I would take care of her until she was able to take herself home and he could find out from HR how to proceed.

We just sat together in an empty meeting room, I passed her tissues, held her hand, then I asked how she was doing. Started a pat then hug. She recovered and went home.

My manager thanked me in front of everyone for making a very difficult situation easy to handle. I did all the right things, said the right things. I didn't have any training, I just did what I felt was right. She never came back to our team. I did what I felt was right at the time. Instinct is a great thing to rely on sometimes

I too avoid hugging and feel like shrinking away in horror if spmeone bursts into tears. I try to show sympathy and sometimes go so far as a brief touch on the arm. Then I see others flinging their Arms round the person and feel inadequate! I do of cpurse hug immediate family !

It may depend on your upbringing. We weren't a 'huggy' family and a stiff upper lip was encouraged.
I think talking it through can help and just 'being there' when problems occur, perhaps with practical help. If they apologise for having a moan tell them it doesn't matter, that you're there to lend a listening ear to what they have to say and don't repeat it to others.

We have this poem pinned up in the Hospice where I volunteer. Thought you might find it as helpful as I did?

LISTEN

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice,
you have not done what I
asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you
listen.
Not talk or do- just hear me.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do
for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can quit trying to convince you
and can get about the business of understanding
what's behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious
and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's
behind them.
So please listen and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn;
and I'll listen to you .

I was a Samaritan for many years and learnt the value of 'just' listening (physical contact being strictly prohibited). It is the single most important thing we can do to help.
Personally I loathe all the hugging and weeping and gnashing of teeth that goes on nowadays but I suspose that's coming from an age that valued stoicism.

When I was a kid at an all-girls' junior school, I (being the poorest but brightest) was the alpha female in a group of friends that included a pair of twins. One day one of the twins was called in to see the headmistress, and when she came back she was crying. The only one of us she would talk to was me, so we went off to a corner of the playground and she told me her sister had been rushed to hospital. Like an idiot, I just stood there looking horror-stricken and said: "Oh no, that's awful!" I was no help at all. But another girl in our group had an elder sister who, tragically, was dying of leukaemia. She comforted the twin and was brilliant at it. That scene haunts me to this day, but it certainly opened my eyes about how to comfort someone. (The other twin was fine, by the way!)

I am not tactile. I was brought up without hugs. My parents loved me but wouldn't dream of hugging me, ever. I find it impossible to hug another person, other than my children, but they have to make the first move. One day my pregnant daughter in law got upset and I couldn't move from my chair. My own daughter thought I was very cold but I just couldn't do it.

I have, tell me, written in my forehead. People tell me everything. It's listening and not judging with a sprinkle of advice.

Some of us are tactile, some aren't. If you do not know someone very well, I always find just touching someone's arm will usually give you an indication of whether they want a hug or if not they will back away.

I can generally cope with the different emotions of other people and don,t find it difficult to empathise with them.....I guess this maybe down to the fact during my working life it was a lot of one to one with people who were vunerable and needed a lot of face to face contact. However I tend to bottle my own emotions up until in private as I would feel awkward if I had embarrassed someone else. However I do feel very sorry for somebody who has become tearful and has an unexpected outburst, obviously things have become a bit too much for them and the tears are like a release valve. Everyone,s reactions are different and being a good listener is as valuable as anything else.

I'm very uncertain about what best to do if trying to comfort someone. I'm not a hugger at all, so am usually at a loss to know how to show empathy.

Some-one who listen can give great comfort. Not sure how I'd react to a hug, depends who it is hugging me, I would accept it from some people but not others.

A box of tissues yes please, sit & listen to me but don't try & solve my problems, only I can do that. A nice cup of coffee. I am the same if any-one comes to "unburden" themselves to me.

Just resting a hand on an arm even if briefly is a sign of empathy. You can judge whether to leave it there while listening, depending on reactions from yourself and the other person

I am not a hugger possibly the reaction of one who was brought up denied of this comfort myself when faced with a distressing situation.
Lets have a cuppa, large box of tissues at hand and being a good listener has been my way of handling these situations.

This makes me think about someone I have known for decades. She became a vicar in the first wave of ordinations. Whenever she sees you she plasters a very concerned look on her face and asks how you are; and whatever you say she she adopts a patronising "sympathetic" voice. I feel like lying and saying I have just won the lottery!

However, to address your question, I think it depends how well you know the person as to whether a physical response is appropriate but listening is the most important thing

It is not something that I am good at either. It is what tea is for but beyond that, although I am a bit better than when I was younger, it is not easy.

I agree that just to be there and listen is the best way.
A neighbour once told me her daughter had had a baby but he was handicapped (Downs). She was crying a bit and I put my arm around her, but I felt her stiffening - I think I might react the same.
You can also offer to help in some practical way.

Oh Harrigran I agree that the head on one side, stroking arm makes me want to scream. Especially if it comes with a verbal 'aww'.

Best thing to be is a good listener. Don't offer anything until they have said or done what they needed to do. Make it a habit to stop trying to fix their problem such as 'have you thought about doing this or that'. You should do this, or it were me I would do that'. People have their own resources, let them find them, and meanwhile show empathy that you really care for them.

I am the same Maw, my sister is an arm stroker with head to one side which I find patronising.
I am more practical and will listen and help if I can, I don't fall apart, result of being a nurse probably.

Yes I agree with Nanarose go with what is comfortable for you. A hand held, cup of tea, and a sympathetic ear are all that is needed. Just to listen and not advise unless asked. Having someone there is a comfort in itself.
(I hate tea so please give me coffee or gin ☺)

I find while a hug may be kindly meant, I don't always welcome physical contact . That sounds awful, because it is an instinctive thing to do and there are times when it has made a world of difference.
A friend once said "I am not a hugger, but consider it given" and we both laughed.