Aggressive son

Again, thankyou all for your thoughts.
He does get issues at his work, where being in charge he has to be authoritative with staff.
And norose4 , you are right, so many options to consider and I choose, for the moment, to not contact him, guess I’m a wimp. I don’t have this trouble with anyone else.

As I get older I have realised that we cannot enforce change on others, the only thing we have control over is our own behaviour, outlook attitudes etc. Your son's behaviour is upsetting you what ever the reasons, so it is down to you to take control of what you want to do about it, i.e. Put up with it. ignore it, confront him etc etc , Good luck it's not easy to change your own good nature, but you can learn to withhold it !

When our children our rude to us as children but not to others, we are told it is because they can let it all out with us as they trust us and we should take comfort from that. It probably doesn't feel quite as comforting when they are adults but there is probably an element of this with your son. He probably wants to be irritable and angry with a lot of people he has to work with but knows the repercussions would be much worse than when he treats you that way. I think our children forget we have feelings. If he were mine, I would say that although he may not realise it, his manner towards you cuts you to the quick. I would then go on to say that you know that he wasn't brought up to be unkind so would he treat you with the respect he would accord anybody else and you will try to remember he is an adult too.
I pointed out to my son that I would not allow anybody else to talk to me in that manner so I certainly wasn't going to take it from somebody who was supposed to love me. He was mortified so we came to an agreement that I would treat him with the same respect I would treat anybody else with and he would reciprocate.

Do you have any idea what is the trigger for his nastiness to you? The key points I've found with my DC are
* dropping in unannounced
* giving any advice
* being helpful without being asked BUT also making myself at home without asking
* looking if I'm going to stay for longer than half an hour
* looking as if they're my only interest in life and having nothing to talk about.
* wittering and - bizarrely being cowed when treated aggressively.

It is a fine line you are walking - is he a solo dad? how are your teenage GCs? I would just prepare yourself for no contact from him - in which case, just leave him be.

Do you drop in uninvited? I am told I am always welcome by DD1 but they are never home with busy lives and I'm not paying for a flight on the off chance they will be home although I have been given a key.

I fully endorse Cherrytree's post because years ago
my son went through a patch of being rude to me so I sent him a carefully worded letter and I didn't phone or visit---- Tough love ---He phoned me 3 months later and our relationship was back on an even keel because I had gained his respect

I'll bet he does want you in his life. This has just become habit for him, and he needs to realise what he is doing. He'd probably be angry with you for bringing it up, but I'm sure it would make him take a step back and look at the way he treats you. It might be worth a try?

Thankyou again for your comments. I will ponder over what is the best thing to do. Basically I do not want to make my situation worse. Chris1603, you have hit the nail on the head. Be unhappy in his company or be unhappy without it and the stress. It is so difficult to approach him about it. I don’t think he wants me in his life. Thankyou anyway..

You can be unhappy and put up with his treatment or be unhappy and have peace and no upset,

Writing a letter stating the impact his behaviour has on you is a good idea and leaving the door open for him to contact you. His behaviour is probably impacting on his other relationships too and as his mother you are well placed to tackle it as you do not have to live or work with him.

Try and think of it as a bit of tough love and no failure on your part.

In the meantime try and see friends and other family who can support you.

Sending you hugs xx

Sounds to me like he has no respect for you.

Do not put up with it. You are just as important as him, if he thinks you are below him then he is an idiot!

If he does not call you then don't call him, if he is happy to miss out on the love and presence of his Mother then believe me it is his loss and he will regret it when its all too late.

You do not deserve to be dis respected because you took care of him and gave him life!!

Cherrytree `s answer is perfect , straight to the point but also leaving an opening for him to contact you . I don`t think you should put up with his rude and hurtful comments either , regardless of him having a stressful job . I have four sons and I would be devastated if they spoke to me in this way as I am sure you are . Write that letter

I would say that his anger is not only affecting you but the family as a whole.
His job may be the root of the problem, but unfortunately you are unable to alter that situation .

I think that I would write a letter saying that you understand that he and your DIL leads a busy life at home and at work.
Tell him that you enjoy visiting them and seeing your DGC.
However you have reached a stage (as everyone does) in your life when you find shouting and aggression very difficult to deal with and it is causing you much stress and upset.

I would add that as his mother
you will always be there to lend an ear,
if he ever wants to talk about his job or anything else that may be causing stress in his life

Good luck

AlgeswifeVal you have my sympathy. My own DS can be insensitive with his words when he is overwrought with stress. If we're face-to-face it's not so bad - I give him the look and he goes to another room to give himself a talking to. He then returns with a different topic of conversation and that's that. However, if it's over the phone he can get the wrong meaning from something I say, not being able to see a smile or body language. I just wait for him to ring me, which is usually the next day. Again there is no apology (and I don't expect one) but it's not mentioned again. His father and grandfather were both stubborn, hot-headed individuals who were always right (!) and I was able to point this out several times to DS as he was growing up. As a result he can understand the effect of hastily spoken words and tries hard not to emulate them.

Thankyou for your replies., in answer to them.
My d.i.l she only chooses to speak to me now and again. Sometimes when I go round their house she can barely say hello. I am used to her treatment.
The boys fight, but all boys have their moments. They don’t say much to me when I see them.
My son does have a busy stress related job in London and a busy home life taking his boys to football, they both play football for different teams. He is curt with his wife at times in front of me.
He wasn’t like this as a child. He is so unpredictable, I only have to say the slightest thing that he doesn’t like and he flares up at me. I certainly have to walk on egg shells in his company, guess we are not compatible. It is always me that contacts him, he never rings me or apologises.

Sorry Algeswife, treading on egg shells isn't easy and can destroy your confidence. You really shouldn't be talked down to, would he do it to his wife or daughter or a friends wife? I used to get up and go home too, you can't have a slanging match and you can't sit there and take it. My d used to do it to me, wait months until I always gave in and made contact. The last time I didn't make contact and we are estranged, which showed me she didn't want me in her life, I was kidding myself before.

So sad for you AlgeswifeVal, of course you care if he stops contacting you, but try not to let it torture you or make you feel it's your responsibility.Use the time to nurture your confidence or to think about various ways you can alter the situation if it happens again, big hugs

He is out of order. I understand why you feel sad, but we have to accept the bad bits in our lives and foster the good bits - or even seek new good bits. What a pain for you. You have my sympathy.

Does he know you will make the first move to resolving the fall out ? I would let him stew in his own juices for a while with no contact although it is hard to do,at 49 he should know better what would he do if his children treated his wife as he treats you ?

I do a bit of this treading on eggshells too AlgeswifeVal with both of my DC. It's wearing and I usually try to let things go and say nothing. The other day though my DD was having a go at me, she picked the absolute worst moment, I told her this and I also said, "If you shout at me I will definitely shout back". She changed her tune immediately. It was instinct on my part and so unlike me.
My best wishes to you, hope it blows over soon

Has he always been like this, and did you put up with it when he was a child? Does he treat his wife the same? His boys? Have you discussed this with her? Does he have stresses at work which he should be tackling there?

Turn it round - tell him you will not contact HIM if he is aggressive toward you. If he is relying on you giving in to his bad temper and knows he can say what he likes to you, then whenever he is feeling frustrated with life (as we all are from time to time) he has a verbal punchbag to release his anger onto.

If it has gone on for years it may be difficult to change a habit and make him see you as someone who deserves a bit of respect, but for your own self-confidence you need to stick up for yourself. It is not a good thing for him either.

How do you get on with your daughter-in-law?