What to do?

Their mother may not overcome her addiction so the children would be in care until age sixteen .

I understand that, but am not sure how to go about seeing if this can happen. Also my DIL and I would want to continue contact with them I just don't think it is feasible for either of us to bring them up.

Perhaps contact social services childrens dept or similar but once you do it is out of your hands if they decide the children need to be removed from their home. Have you spoken to children , not about being put into care but if they are unhappy at home. Some children no matter what problems in the home love the parent. I remember a boy here being put into care, he was fostered eighty miles from home, only eleven , he kept trying to get back to his mother .

This is my problem - half the time the children say they want to go into care and the other half of the time that they want to stay with there mother (or with me). I do wonder if I should try to have them but I am in my mid seventies and I'm not at all sure that I'm prepared to have two adolescent girls disrupting my life. However maybe we can come to a compromise that they come to me a couple of nights a week. I'm heading off to talk to stepdaughter now - feeling ghastly as I have a nasty cold and am on antibiotics for a badly cut finger! Talk about the Christmas spirit.

Oh dear, what a mess with no obvious solution. The only thought that springs to mind is the possibility of boarding school for the girls. Would that be financially possible? It would give them stability and they would have each other for support. Family members would be able to visit and have them stay during the holidays under your own control rather than having to follow SW protocols.

Is the childrens father involved at all, and can he offer any assistance. Financial or otherwise? Its a very sad situation for all, especially the children and very difficult for you and your dil to cope with.
Instead of social services you might try phoning the nspcc or some other children's charity for advice. If social services do become involved they wouldn't necessarily remove the children but opt to support their mother if they felt she wants to make changes and they would then supervise the care of the children. You would still be able to be involved and see them regularly.

I have no advice to add but would like to say that I think you are lovely for trying to help your step GC there are a few who would deem it not to be their problem.
I hope you find a solution.

I hope you find a solution what a mess you poor soul Do the girls want to come to you and how are they behaviourwise are they girls that would fit in and perhaps help you or are they entrenched in untidy poor behaviour as that’s all they have ever known
I can see how you would feel cut in two what a horrible dilemma I think you need to talk it over with some
professions before coming to any conclusions and seeing what help there would be for you if you did take them in x
Is it something that a few of you could share not very settling for the girls but just a thought

Boarding school is really not an option - there isn't enough money for that. Their father lives in France and is an alcoholic who sleeps in a room in a friend's house. He couldn't take them and besides the older girl hates him. The NSPCC is a good idea - they might be able to offer some suggestions. She has been going to a local Inclusion group - they help people with drug and alcohol problems, but she doesn't go very often, she has also been to AA but again doesn't go very often - says the people aren't friendly. The school are also trying to help. I have just come back from there - I didn't of into the house just saw it through the window!!! There was a used tampon lying on the grass outside the back door. She has just had four days off (because she was suspended) but has done nothing in the house - she says she has slept the whole time - classic sign of depression. I have begged her to go to the doctor but she says it is pointless as they refuse to give her anti-depressants in case she kills herself.
Unfortunately re spreading the load for the children there is only me and my DIL. Her brother is abroad until the New Year but I very much doubt that he will help.

I think Al Anon would be a good port of call for you. You want to help, but in doing things such as cleaning her former home, people are enabling her to continue behaving as she is. This can lead to codependency- I learnt this the hard way, so I do understand what you’re going through. Basically, she has to face up to the consequences of her life choices. She can’t do that if she’s being bailed out each time she screws up. Harsh but true.

Regarding her daughters, they must be torn between love and loyalty for the parent who hasn’t deserted them and a yearning for a better life. I feel for them and hope you find the answers you are seeking here. Best wishes and well done you for taking on the responsibility of trying to sort this out.

You are completely right that cleaning up after her is enabling her and we have said we won't do it any more. I'm determine to try and give the girls a good Christmas - as you say they are completely torn, rather like a dog with a cruel owner will still love him they sometimes hate their mother, but she is all they have. She has just told my DIL that she hasn't washed or changed her clothes for five days. I am definitely going to try the NSPCC tomorrow. Despite the terrible squalor they are living in the children are in reasonably good spirits most of the time.

It sounds as though the children may be suffering from neglect and the family needs more targeted help than you can give. Before you contact the NSPCC it may be worth reading their information on what the indicators of neglect are, it may help you to be more confident about recognising and addressing the issues:
www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/neglect/

Thank you grannyactivist - I have had a look at the site you mentioned - they are definitely being neglected but is the alternative of being in care and without their mother better. Progress today has been that the disciplinary hearing has said that the complaints have now been passed to head office. One of the problems is that she lies all the time - she swore to the hearing that she had not had a single drink while she as suspended, but my DIL spoke to them later and felt she had to say that this is completely untrue she has been drunk for four days -they already knew this and could smell the alcohol on her this morning. Anyway, the upshot is that we have had another blitz on the house, bought food for the children and said that she has to go to an AA meeting every day between now and Christmas and that I am going to pop in every day to make sure that she has done the washing up, put the rubbish into the bin and hoovered. It is a bit like having a child with a learning disability who is being mentored and supported in order to live independently, but at least in that case, I feel sure it would be much more worthwhile and you would feel that there were some achievements.

DaisyL I do applaud your efforts to help and can sense your reluctance to involve the 'authorities', which I have some sympathy with. But the bottom line is your help is most likely to have a sticking plaster effect than to create lasting change that will improve life permanently for the children. May I suggest that you have a plan prepared for if your best efforts don't produce the results you hope for? Neglect can have extremely damaging effects, most particularly on the self-esteem of children and at some point, for their sake, a line needs to be drawn and an appeal for help made to social services. Perhaps monitor the situation over Christmas and then decide if mum is able to put her children's needs before her own on a permanent basis.

Things have now moved on quite rapidly and the children have been taken away from their mother and my DIL and I have temporary care (custody?) of them. We are quite willing to share the responsibility for the girls on a temporary basis - the social worker seems to think that it will be three to six months. My GD (who is a solicitor) is worried in case we can be forced to take permanent custody of the children. I cannot believe that a court can order anyone to look after child that is not their own but does anyone have any experience of this. It is not that we don't want to look after the children more that we don't want to have sole responsibility for them - particularly when they aren't related to either of us except by marriage and we haven't been involved in their lives at all until fairly recently.

Boarding school is really not an option - there isn't enough money for that.
There are state-run boarding schools; I'm not sure where they are.

Poor girls, they do need some stability in their lives; I don't know what the answer is but it would be quite a responsibility for you take them on.

stateboarding.org.uk/

State boarding schools still charge about £4,00 per term per child and unfortunately I don't have £24,000 pa spare income! At the moment their mother is going to AA and various alcohol support groups and the children are with me. We have a meeting with family services on Wednesday so will know then what if any support there is for me and/or my step-daughter.

Charities such as Buttle UK or the Royal National Children’s Foundation can sometimes help with the cost of boarding.
if that helps at all

Good luck whatever you decide for the best welfare of the children (and yourself).

Happy New Year to everyone! I'm feeling a bit daunted as all the rest of the family seem to be turning their backs on these children. I don't blame my step DIL as she has been great but she was divorced from their uncle years ago and has never been close to my stepdaughter, but stepdaughter's brother (my stepson) refuses to get involved. The saddest thing is that it is tarnishing my memories of my late husband as I realise that none of his three children are/were very nice people.

Try not to worry too much until the meeting on wednesday.
Let them know your concerns and ask what support, both practical and financial is available.
I feel very sad for the children, and for you to be in this difficult position. You have already done a lot for them but its important that you take your own circumstances into account too. Teenage children can be hard work anyway without all the disruption they bave had.
Make a few notes to take to the the meeting so you dont forget anything you want to ask. Good luck and hope things work out.

DaisyL you have done a wonderful job of stepping in and 'holding the fort', but the truth is that these children need a long-term future and, being realistic, that will not be with you. Difficult as it may be in the short term I do think that you should be honest about your limited capacity to bail out this family any longer and let social services know that the children's stay is time-limited.
Please let us know how you get on.

Grannyactivist is right, time for you to step back a little Daisy, you cannot and should not be in the position of offering full time care to this family. Help where you can but these children need long term professional support.
I hope the meeting goes well on Wednesday but you need to stand firm with what you are able to offer.
Good luck.

I've pm' d you Daisy