My Son's family is splitting up...so sad tonight.

DS left his 22 year marriage but not his children. Nearly three years down the line the co-parenting works pretty well and the children (and the dog) divide their time between the family home and DS and new partner who are ten minutes away. I maintain good relations with exDiL and think that on balance everyone is happier now. Hang in there!

Thanks folks for this thread of thoughts & advice, I have just been told my daughter & SiL are going their separate ways. My grandkids are 5 & 2 & are my world. Parents are going to
coparent not too sure how this is supposed to work? Advice welcome.

It was me carol although I didn't know it was called hot nesting. It sounds a bit too good to be true tbh. It might be wishful thinking about the family staying close to where you live, but at least your DiL is not saying at the outset she's moving away permanently.

I know the advice on here is always stay neutral if you want to keep seeing your GC, but it must be one of the hardest things to do, especially when you see your own child hurting.

Hope you find a way to make it all work carol and NannyTee

It seems Carol we are going through similar situations at the same time. Our 6 and 4 year olds have not been told yet about the impending split, but the eldest suspects something I know. I know other families cope with a marriage break, so I dream of a time when happiness comes back into our family, I know you will understand.

Wishful thinking really that she will live near to my DS & us but I am hopeful that living with her parents is just temporary (she is now there full time with DGD & commuting), as her job is in our town & she hasn't talked about moving my DGD to a school near her parents.....yet. Somebody on the thread talked about 'hot nesting' where the parents go back & forth to the family home but it absolutely would not work in this case as one of the big issues with them was always who did the housework. It would also mean running three homes between them so financially would also be a disaster. Personally I think the housework should be shared or done by whoever works a lot less hours outside the home. NanKate, I'm dreading the the time when / if that happens, so sorry for you. NannyTee totally understand. I lived with my Grandparents and Dad from age 7 when my Mum died, until he remarried. They made me feel safe at a terrible time.

When my parents split up , I was aged 11. I longed for Grandparents to go to for comfort but never knew mine. Your DGC will be fine as long as they've got you.

Carol yes, 6 year olds are pretty switched on and don't miss a lot! There probably all kinds of combinations of parents and partners at her school too. It sounds like your DiL is staying in the area after all then? Or have I misunderstood what you mean?

It's not always possible, but recently I heard about 2 different families doing the same sort of thing after they separated. The marital home is where the children live and the parents both have their own homes. Each parent spends 'their' time with the children in the marital home. That way the children have less upheaval. Not sure what I think about that arrangement.

Because my DinL has a new man in her life we find it exceptionally difficult to ignore her behaviour, but everytime I feel like saying something to make her realise the dreadful upset she has caused our DS, us and her dad, I hold back. I can't afford to lose our wonderful GSs. She has all the good cards on her side.

Aww thank you again everyone. Have told both parents that we don't want to know what happened or why, we're not blaming either of them or taking sides and we're just there for them all. Wilma, you're right to ask how they intend to separate gradually. I think the idea was that DiL would just spend gradually more time with her parents (with DGD) and hope she didn't question it but 6 yr olds are too savvy these days to fall for that! Upshot is DGD is now aware that Mummy & Daddy won't be living in the same house anymore but that everyone still loves her and wants to spend time with her. Hopefully DiL will get a house for herself & DGD nearer to school & us so that everything can be more settled. I just hope that there are no third parties involved to complicate matters. Time will tell but DGD seems OK at the no.

Just to say well done Carol - you seem to have done all the right things and still have DIL onside, and have access to your DGD.

It will be different; but with goodwill on all sides it can be made to work I am sure.

My sympathies to all of you who are going through their children's marriage breakdown - as am I. At first, I was inclined to sympathise with DiL but it later emerged that she had also been 'playing away' and DS's infidelity had given her the opening she really wanted. Currently they are living under the same roof - DS in spare room. They are the same age as I was when my marriage fell apart and their teenage children are much the same age as our two were. 17-year itch or what? I think the children will be OK as both parents are fully committed to them and they have very active lives of their own. So this will be a year of ups and downs but by the end of it, I hope for a less fraught festive season than this one has been.

Such sad news Carol. Be there if your dgd needs you. Look after yourself as your strength may be needed. My advice would be to act as if nothing is happening and try to keep out of it at all times and let them sort it out themselves. It would be so easy to be dragged in. I would speak to both your son and DiL and say you want your relationship with your dgd to remain strong and not be compromised in any way as she needs stability. Tell them you are like Switzerland and will remain neutral.

My eldest daughter finally broke up with her partner some 12 years ago. They had then a 2-year old daughter. He had become extremely depressed, was drinking and was sometimes violent. It came to an end when bailiffs came round to the house as he was using the property to raise money. With help of my ex-husband, he was 'bought out' of the mortgage.
For all these years he has never paid a penny towards his child, but my daughter was always determined that nothing would never come between father and daughter. She has always kept close contact with his mother and sister.
Indeed, when he became ill, it was my daughter who managed eventually to get him a flat near by.
Must admit that in those first years I just wanted him to disappear of the face of the earth, but as time has gone on, it has been so good that my g.daughter had been able to had have a good relationship with her father. She has also maintained relationship with her nanna.
He is now extremely ill, and my daughter and g.daughter visit him weekly in hospital. His Mum always asks for my daughter to be present at all meetings with medics.
Just saying that the breaking up of a relationship does not necessarily mean that g.parents do not have on-going contact with g.children.

Carol I just wanted to say I wasn't comparing my situation with yours, just sharing. I can definitely see what a shock it must have been the day after a lovely family day. Have her Mum and Dad dropped any hints yet? I'm just wondering how they will separates gradually, especially if your DiL is moving back to where her parents live.

WilmaKnickersfit, I understand about your family situation now. It's so sad when a family breaks up, whether it's divorce or death of a parent but as you say, my DGD will survive & be loved and just part of a different set up. It was the shock of the split so soon after what had appeared to be a happy Xmas day that shook me. Realise now it was all just an act for my DGD's sake. We saw DGD at the weekend when she was at home with my DS & she's coming to me tomorrow whilst her Mummy works so really looking forward to that. I'm more hopeful that we can all find a harmonious way forward now. Fingers crossed!

carol it sounds like your DD will still have a happy and secure childhood. She'll still have two parents and at least one set of grandparents who love her. It will just be a different childhood than everyone imagined.

My Mum left my Dad when I was 25 and I was still living at home. I was the oldest and my younger brother was 20 and still at home too. Nobody else was involved and she made plans to leave, renting a house, etc., she didn't just walk out after a row or anything like that. It knocked me for six. My world turned upside down.

The weird thing is that I knew she was going to leave. I saw her writing a letter one night and for some reason I just knew she was planning to leave. It was an intuition thing, but I put it out of my mind. My Dad was shell shocked too. Everyone thought they had a strong marriage. I understood why she was leaving and supported her decision, but I struggled with the situation. My parents did try a reconciliation but it didn't work out and eventually they divorced. She's happily remarried now, but my Dad was affected by her remarrying because it meant their time was really over. They'd divorced several years before, but one of them remarrying was the real ending. Families are complicated.

It must be so lovely to be from a stable family. Due to my Mother's death when I was just a small child,I never had that but had hoped my DS&DD would be secure in their marriages and raise happy & secure children. Sadly my DGD will be part of a broken family but we'll all do our best to make her feel loved.

I'm a bit shocked and saddened to hear just how many families are affected this way. I'm from a small family where divorce has happened later in life, so the children were not such a focus (by chance, not choice).

I hope everyone manages to stay as a family even if it has changed shape.

So many sad tales of family break ups. It helps to know that I'm not alone in this. Thank you all.

I also am in this position with my DS family break up with 3 children. We’ve all been very close and it has been a painful experience. My DIL is amicable, they’ve spent Xmas together but she doesn’t want my son anymore. I find his sadness and the rejection he feels the hardest thing. I still have a good relationship with DIL and see GC. The pain she has caused my son( and us) is something I’ve decided I’ve got to tolerate because it’s better to be non judgemental and hope kindness to each other prevails.

It broke my heart when my daughter suddenly left her husband, who had been a son to me for fifteen years. I love them both and still mourn for my lost son, who is still alone ten years later.
No grandchildren in this case, thank goodness. Many separating couples quickly move on to new lives and their children adapt well. Nothing has changed for my son in law who, like me, longs hopelessly for her to return home.

carol58 as so many have said this is sadly a much more common situation these days but it does not make it less painful. I well remember all my own tears, three times over I'm afraid. Again I think the best advice is to avoid taking sides and to agree that your DGD is central. It sounds as if her parents are already thinking about this luckily.

In my case one split was particularly acrimonious but with much lip biting I have managed to stay on reasonable terms with ex DIL. DS has not been happy that I have bought her birthday and Christmas presents but these are meant to be from the children who were too young initially to buy them and now we do it together. I also help them make cards for her. As I pointed out to him, imagine how the children would feel if they could not give mummy presents. How we feel about her is irrelevant.

After one of many big arguments between them she said, 'I love your mum to bits but...' which made me feel that my efforts had not been in vain and that she would always trust me with the children whatever happened. It is hard, but worth it when the DGC are kept as stable as possible. I wish you lots of luck and hope it all works out for you.

Sadly very common these days, and I've experienced this with my own family. If you want to have the best possible chance of maintaining a close relationship with your Grandchild the best advice I can give is not to take sides, and to be supportive to everyone involved. I hope things work out for all. It will still be a painful experience, but with sympathy and understanding there can be a positive outcome, even after such a separation.

Oh bless you all for your kind words. There seem to be so many of you I n the same position, it is just heartbreaking. I've been in touch with my DiL today to tell she can still rely on our support, just as she always has. She replied that those words mean a lot to her so I am hopeful that we can all stay friends. We're determined to stay neutral as we are all suffering from the split and need to work together for the sake of DGD. I wish you all well with your own family problems and am sending big hugs to you all x