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My Son's family is splitting up...so sad tonight.

(76 Posts)
carol58 Wed 27-Dec-17 00:09:18

My Son has just told me that he and his partner are separating. They've been together eight years and my darling Granddaughter is just six. I'm so sad for them all and so scared that I might lose contact with my beloved GD. I know there's nothing I can do about it but just be there for them all. We all had such a lovely time together yesterday too....

NannyTee Wed 27-Dec-17 00:13:15

Oh Carol58 that is so very sad and at this time of year too. Does your little GD understand ?

WilmaKnickersfit Wed 27-Dec-17 00:20:46

carol that's so sad - hard for you too. Is there any chance there could be a change of mind? This is such a stressful time of year. sad

cornergran Wed 27-Dec-17 00:24:32

I do understand carol and I’m sad for you. Sounds as if you have a good relationship with both your son and his partner, that will help you keep contact with your granddaughter. Try to stay strong for them, all three will need you, please also think about support for yourself. Grandparents can have an often overlooked struggle with mixed loyalties and the pain of personal loss. Take care of yourself too.

carol58 Wed 27-Dec-17 01:23:51

Thank you so much for all your kind words. They haven't told my darling GD yet and are going to separate gradually so that she gets used to the idea gently. I just pray she'll be ok. My DH & I have played such a big part in my GDs life that it would kill me to lose her and I'll miss my DiL too even though we've had our differences in the past. I just feel so sad for my darling Son & GD, can't stop crying tonight.

Anniebach Wed 27-Dec-17 04:44:55

I am so sorry, as the parents are planning to seperate gradually it seems your son will always be involved in his daughters life thus you will be too. Can you not remain in friendly terms with your daughter in law. My younger daughter divorced about fifteen years ago, they both remarried but I still have a very close relationship with her ex husband, I call him my son in law who isn't because I don!t want to call him my ex son in law. It could be similar for you, I hope so.

NanKate Wed 27-Dec-17 05:02:18

Carol58 I am in the same boat as you except I have two GSs 6 and 4, it is heartbreaking. This has been going on since July when my son found out his wife was having an affair. I have wept buckets since then so I totally understand the feelings you are going through.

Our eldest GS suspects and we dread them being told, but it will have to happen.

My only advice is keep a good/civil relationship with your DinL in order to keep your GD close to you. We have done all we can to keep our DS afloat in these choppy waters. His friends have been such a support. He has been given excellent advice through a professional to stand tall and use confident body language, it sounds mad but it has worked after the initial few months of misery.

If I can help you in any way Carol please PM me. I am just those few months ahead of you.

kittylester Wed 27-Dec-17 07:47:54

I'm sorry to hear your news, * carol*. I think the best advice is to try not to take sides, at least outwardly.

annsixty Wed 27-Dec-17 08:14:16

I am sorry to hear your news carol and know now what I was chatting to you in the early hours.
You will find that many of us here on GN know exactly how you feel as we have been there ourselves.
It is like a bereavement, all your dreams and your future have gone.
I am not going to say it is easy, it is far from it.
My Dil are still quite friendly, I worked very hard at that and the results are worth it.
My GD who was under 2 a at the time of the split is now 19 and my pride and joy.
She came and had her Christmas dinner with) us as she didn't want me to be alone with difficult GD.
She is a treasure and I hope the same for you.
It will get easier, don't whatever you do take sides, that is fatal.
I wish you all a civilised transition, good luck.

tanith Wed 27-Dec-17 08:25:00

Sending you a hug as I've been there and it's hard. I agree with annsixty about not taking sides just try to stay neutral.

OldMeg Wed 27-Dec-17 08:39:18

That’s good advice from NanKate - talk to your son’s partner. She’s probably pretty upset too and tell her you understand that these things happen. Assure her of your support and sympathy. Likewise your son.

jusnoneed Wed 27-Dec-17 08:47:49

Sorry to hear you have had upsetting news. Having been the dil in similar situation many years ago the only advice I can offer is much as the others have said. Have a chat with your dil and tell her that you want her to stay part of your life, my mil did and I stayed close to them right up until they passed away many years later. My son was two at the time but he spent a lot of time with them, even after his father moved hundreds of miles away.

Fennel Wed 27-Dec-17 09:14:10

Such sad news, Carol. Good advice above, plus if possible encourage son and wife not to say nasty things about eachother to the children. Especially as they're so young.
I was talking on the phone to an "old" (in both senses) friend yesterday, and she said one of her sons has just split from his wife, but their children are older (14 and 19).
And of course reassure them that you'll always be their loving grandparents.

Liz46 Wed 27-Dec-17 09:24:38

One of our neighbour's husband left her with three tiny children. His mother continued to come round to help with the children almost every day and still helps out now, five years later. The neighbour now has a new boyfriend and the ex MIL has made friends with him. It's quite strange that if the MIL is looking after the children while their mother is at work, she answers the door to her son but obeys his ex's rules that he is not allowed in the house and keeps him on the doorstep while she gets his children ready to go with him.

My SIL recently had an affair and it looks as though they are getting divorced, having to sell the house etc. It is a very upsetting time for my daughter and we are doing our best to help. The children are sitting with us at the moment while my daughter is trying to catch up on some sleep. I put a bottle of Prosecco in front of her last night once the children were in bed.

loopyloo Wed 27-Dec-17 09:34:04

My daughter is struggling to stay with her partner for the sake of the children and its not easy. We are aware that when the children are older she will leave.
As so often it comes down to money. If she earnt enough on her own she would separate now.

NannyTee Wed 27-Dec-17 09:41:01

Liz 46. That lady sounds like a wonderful MIL. Does everything for the sake of the GC as not to cause upset .

NannyTee Wed 27-Dec-17 09:48:19

PS. And she probably feels guilty for her DS leaving them all. I'd feel the same I think .

Coconut Wed 27-Dec-17 09:54:42

My heart truly goes out to you as I have been thro this with my son no:2 a few years ago myself. It was fraught at 1st but remaining neutral and supportive to everyone has reaped its rewards for me and I am still extremely close to my granddaughters and even to their Mum. So hope it all works out well for you too 💐

harrysgran Wed 27-Dec-17 10:12:24

So sad for you it will be an anxious time for you all but try to keep all communications open and supportive especially with regards to your GD it's a situation sadly many of us face but hopefully the bond with your gd stays strong

Grannyma Wed 27-Dec-17 10:23:35

I am so sorry for you but just want to reassure you that your relationship with your son's partner can survive, and can actually grow. After my husband and I split, my mother in law came to live in sheltered housing literally at the bottom of my garden. We maintained a good relationship even after I remarried and I, and my daughter, were with her when she eventually died. Just keep the door open for all of them, don't take sides and try to keep smiling. Break-ups happen much more frequently these days and perhaps, looking on the bright side, there is less unhappiness due to failed relationships continuing miserably to the detriment of all concerned. Your granddaughter will find that there are many others who have complicated family situations and should cope well as it sounds as if her parents are being sensible about how they are going to proceed. You are in a horrid position right now but things will get better. Do find someone you can talk to as you try to deal with this. All the very best.

Hm999 Wed 27-Dec-17 10:25:08

Really sorry to hear your news.

I don't know the geography of your family, but my advice (based on our similar experience) is make sure your Dil knows you are there for her and GD, and won't ask any awkward questions.

Musicelf Wed 27-Dec-17 10:28:12

Oh, what a difficult situation for all of you. As someone has already said, many of us have been in the same situation and know how devastating it is.

My DD and SiL separated when DGD was 4. It was all very distressing and poor DGD was caught in the middle. Between them, the parents decided it was too cruel to her and went to Relate for advice. They are now extremely happy, together, with 2 more children. DGD is now 14 and can't remember anything about it.

I wish you and your family a resolution you can all deal with. Do keep in touch with your DiL - my SiL and I would email frequently, and so there was no bitterness between us.

Maggiemaybe Wed 27-Dec-17 10:31:14

I'm so sorry to hear this, carol58. flowers

As others have said - but I don't think it can be said often enough -try to support both your DS and his partner and for the sake of all parties, but particularly your DGD, don't take sides. It will be a difficult time for all of you, so take care of yourself.

Diddy1 Wed 27-Dec-17 10:37:54

I feel for you Carol 58, I went through the same trauma a few years ago and thought I wouldnt see my GC as much, but I do, and I am sure you will do too. Be there for them all. I wish you the very best.

radicalnan Wed 27-Dec-17 10:43:10

If you all had 'such a happy day yesterday' then there is hope, that those days will continue, they are both minded to keep things comfortable for their child, which will include you of course.

It is tough to think about it, doesn't mean that is will be final, things do sometimes unravel nicely and when they don't sensible, caring people, like the ones you are dealing with can make it OK.

Good luck, to all of you.