Turning into a total wimp

For that very same reason I’m reading the very hip and trendy book at the moment “ The life changing magic of not giving a F ###k by Sarah knight. It is a very interesting read and it isn’t about rude to anyone it’s how to deal with these awkward situations that we find ourselves saying yes to when we were supposed to say no.

Perhaps you just like complaining? It is a big joke with our family that when I feel like a good moan I go to somewhere like KFC or The Hungry Horse. The latter is always sticky even if they've just wiped the tables!
On the upside, sometimes the things you dread most turn out to be the loveliest times so maybe it won't be as bad as you think.

eglantine21 and you still are that same person.
We human beings can be contrary and as my late DH would say 'what brought that on'?.
I say go ahead. Who knows you may enjoy it.

I have learnt to pick my battles over the years ! Sometimes it does not hurt to be a wimp, other times it’s essential to stand your ground !

Difficult one that. Go along and see how it goes, if it’s bad you know what to do next time.
I love a pub lunch any excuse not to cook now I am older.

Do what i do. Make sympathetic noises and ask a raft of questions about her [boring[ family, so she can spout to her hearts' content. Spend the minimum time talking about yourself "It's really boring" and go home feeling virtuous for having made her day!
Then try not to see her for as long as possible...
The other alternative is to say something like "It must be exhausting being so perfect"!

I would still cry off with any excuse. I think we lose some self confidence when we retire but ut does come back when the days are filled. I tried the ladies who lunch thing at first but was just so bored and now I just don't have time!

Oh dear. All the harder too when it’s a one to one lunch. Try to steer the conversation to what is going on in her life and if (when) the conversation comes back to yours and she makes any comments that belittle your choices just say that yes, you are happy, you are not materialistic (not all of us are & are not envious of others) and life is good. Then laugh and change the subject immediately by saying something like ‘anyway, changing the subject, what about hobbies (or any other topic)’ and move swiftly on. She may take the hint! In future you could always agree to meet but without the lunch telling her honestly you don’t enjoy it and suggest a tea room instead for cake ?

Why have I just texted to actually suggest a coffee meet with someone who moans all the time?

If you come home seething and feeling like saying something very rude then it's time to call it a day!

Oh well Eglantine just go this time. It might be much better than you think? I hope so anyway. Have a good time

I love pubs. They are a British institution and it makes me sad that so many are closing. Admittedly there are some dives, but on the whole I find them cosy and friendly. Just my opinion of course

You're right Jane. I got kind of deflected into having a moan about her when what was really bugging me was the fact that I said yes when I wanted to say no.
I wouldn't have done that 15 years ago when I was workng. I would have been able to do my carefully phrased No thanks.
What's happened to me?

I think there is a risk of reading too much into a friendly invitation. If you don't like her fine don't go. Your attitude to her says more to me about you than her.

Eglantine Just ring her and tell her that you've been thinking about it and you really don't fancy going there again as it isn't really your kind of place.
If you can't get out of it surely there are some nice places in your area that you can suggest and where you can get a very light lunch. Just tell her how fortunate you are to have the freedom to explore and find nice places, do what you want whenever and have a home which is easy and low maintenance to keep. Perhaps she has not considered that you do not envy her life in the slightest. Why ever wouldn't you be positive about the life you have made for yourself anyway? Perhaps you should tell her that you cannot understand why she expects everybody to want the same. How boring, eh?

Eglantine you have my sympathy. The very people I try to say no to are the ones who just don't give up. I would back off pretty quick if I got negative signals, but some people seem to be a bit deaf and blind on that front. I like to think they are doing it for the same reasons you outlined ...they think I need to get out more or do more. However, there are some people who seem to enjoy seeing me squirm trying to say no politely. I've been telling myself to Woman Up for decades, but I crumble at the first puff of strong leadership. As suggested by others here, your friend may be completely genuine and just not reading the signs.

No she definitely sounds patronising to me Eglantine , it must be hard for her knowing you are such an independent woman and whose life and family are so satisfying.
You don't need all the trappings that she obviously needs - or words to that effect.

We all know people who are OK in very small doses.

It sounds as if she means well, possibly doesn't realise you see her as patronising and trying to score points, and it may even help her to feel better about herself if she can spend time with you. Perhaps she actually likes you.

Be nice to her and make excuses the next time so you don't have to see her too often.

I used to spend time regularly with someone I found very difficult. We belonged to the same Bridge club and used to alternate lifts. I haven’t been to the club for a few months. Life is much better without this twice weekly annoyance. Could almost say it’s changed my life. I am looking for other ways to keep playing as I think it keeps my mind active. Try to say No.

But it's me that's got to get a hold of it and say No thank you. I know that?

Oh, for sure she is being kind. I mean that seriously.

She's so sorry for me that my grandchildren don't live just down the road, that my daughter can't pop in every day, that I don't have a husband, that the man in my life doesn't want to move up here, that I've had to downsize, that I buy my clothes from supermarkets, that my son isn't a high flying executive, that my car is 10 years old.....

I find myself on the defensive somehow and when I say I quite like my life she says she's glad I can be so positive.

I suspect that this person most certainly doesn't 'think her life is better than yours'. Don't be so defensive. Maybe she's just being kind? Go. You might even enjoy it!

ps not that the whole group is the problem - just one person in it.

Not all pubs are smelly and sticky!
At least there is no smoking in pubs these days (used to hate that, coming away with clothes stinking of smoke).

throw a sickie
Alternatively, 'I'm feeling crook'

Indeed 'why'?
that is what I ask myself sometimes when put in a similar situation.
Every time I think 'Just Say No'.
But that would involve a whole group rather than just one person.

As they used to say in Australian soaps, you could always “throw a sickie” or alternatively enjoy a free lunch.
Oh dear, just remembered “there is no such thing as a “free lunch”