Importance of grandparents

I was lucky, four lovely grandparents living near enough for us to visit them regularly. DS had none but great uncles and great aunts had good relationships with him and with his older DC.

My Mother was killed in an accident when my eldest daughter was 8months old and I never met my Father in Law as he died of a heart attack at the age of 42. My Dad was brilliant with my kids but my Mother in Law was not. I always try to make up with my 2 Grandchildren what I feel my two children missed out on.

Wotnot I understand your sadness I think.
I had both sets of grandparents. One lived the other end of the country, we spent two weeks of the year there & I remember it fondly. We spoke with my grandma on the phone ( from a pay phone) weekly too.
My paternal grandparents lived nearby. My grandfather however was a strange man. Although we saw our Nan twice a week we didn't see him very often. I do remember him taking me to hospital appointments (specialist in London). As we grew older and more independent we had to make appointments to visit, especially after my parents split. He clearly blamed my mum. After the death of my father he didn't speak to me again & I found out from a stranger on a bus ( who worked with an Aunt who also didn't speak) that he'd died. I wasn't given an opportunity to attend the funeral of my nan's funeral a year or so earlier either as we weren't told.
I'm glad I had my siblings but we only became close in later life. I had great friends and still do, alot still from childhood.
Family isn't always everything it's cracked up to be ?

I knew all four of my GPs and four of my eight GGPs. My last GM died when I was 45. So I feel lucky, compared with some who haven't had the pleasure of knowing their GPs.

My maternal grandparents died before I was born but I knew my paternal grandparents who lived only a few miles away. Family has always been important to us and I grew up knowing uncles, aunts, cousins, 2nd cousins etc. etc. scattered all over the place. Many in the UK but more distant relatives in America, Canada and New Zealand. When I was a child all sorts of distant relatives would arrive on our doorstep to stay. Provided someone was a relative, they were always welcome. Younger generations have continued to spread around the world and various of us have kept in touch with different bits of the family so we always have contacts somewhere! My late husband's family is also reasonably big and Facebook has helped keep many of us in touch. We love it when there are family gatherings. Family for us is very special.

Jacq - Only the other day I was wondering why something as cosy and useful as a pixie bonnet went out of fashion. I think I saw an old photo, possibly on tv. Interesting that they're back, I've not seen any yet but it was only last recently jojo bobos appeared around here.
Maggie - I'm sure pixie bonnets were only for girls, boys had balaclavas in my day!

Pixie bonnets are back! My DGS have worn them. I think they may have been just for girls back in the day, but perhaps my memory’s playing tricks on me. The boys looked very cute, anyway!

Thanks Gagagran for the mention of "pixie bonnets". Brought back memories - my Mum knitted them for me. I don't remember her having a pattern for them and she used up odd bits of wool to put some colour in them.

I never knew my grandparents as all had died before I was born. So I dont what it is I may have missed out on. My son, my only child, however did know his grandparents until he was 12 and 24 respectively. There isn't much family left these days but my son has 4 very close friends who are his "family", indeed they are much closer to him than his blood relations. He sees at least one of them on a weekly basis and they have each others backs. I know that when I pass away he will not be alone as he has his "brother and sisters" who I know will always be with him. Can't say the same for blood relatives. I think it is more important to have friends than family in the scheme of things. As the saying goes "you can't chose your family but you can chose your friends" and I'm pleased to say he chose well.

I never knew my paternal GM she died years before I was born and rarely saw my gf even though he lived in same town. My maternal gf died when I was 11 but I do remember him fondly. My gm maternal lived for years after his death and spent a lot of time at our home and we never really got on so it was uncomfortable. So it's not always as lovely as you may think, family can be very difficult

What an interesting thread. I feel I can relate to most of you. I sometimes envy my friends who are very hands-on GPs whereas we don't see very much of ours because of physical distance or the other sets of GPs are closer than us.
My own GPs were Victorians - all born before 1880 but I still remember vividly staying at my gran's farm and catching rats. Also ironing on the kitchen table, baking scones on the range and watching her chop wood. It made a deep impression on me as a 9yr old. She died soon after and she was the last.

Our own DPs were and still are terrific GPs to our kids. My DD and her gran who is over 90, email each other.

We try to take our GC on outings which we both like and when we are told of their achievements, like learning to swim or ride a bike, we are very proud, but we are definitely not part of their daily life or they ours.

I feel very sad that my/our 8 grandchildren won't remember their maternal Grandad. 2 of them weren't born and the eldest was only 7 when he died. I feel sad for him too. He adored the grandchildren and he would have loved to see them grow and blossom. He would have had so much to give. They all have a full set on the paternal side which is lovely but I still feel a tiny twinge of 'what if' and the little green monster rears its ugly head......

Thankyou all for your valued input. I'm going to try to be the kind of grandmother I would have loved. I will respect my grandchild's mother and give her decisions my support. I will support herself and my son in every way I can, be non- intrusive, they are the parents. No matter what plans are in place nothing prepares us for the unexpected so I will keep an open mind. I will still see my friends, have my hobbies and try not to let the new baby become my world. I can't wait to hold this little bundle in my arms ?

"It has helped mould their characters and given them values." Good point kircubbin.
Children absorb values of the older generation if given the chance, then hopefully are able to get a more balanced perspective on modern values.

My children's main influence came from Granny and Great aunt, both big characters. They heard stories of wartime,were encouraged to visit elderly neighbours and do work around the garden etc. It has helped mould their characters and given them values. My grandson I suppose is mainly influenced by me and other gran but in a more bookish way. We do puzzles and talk about things and other gran likes shopping and going for coffee with him. He does nothing alone,no riding bike or playing in the street or unsupervised friends. Misses out there I think.He thinks he is the big man now when I send him into shop and wait outside, he is 9.

I have a pang of sadness too when I see families very close to their grandparents and think that my own children have never really had that, due to age, dementia, illness, death. However, it's our job to change the future if we can and focus there and not on the past .(I know that's easier said than done and sometimes takes determination) Also thinking what our own children DO have ... a loving mum/dad and some others unfortunately don't have that.

With my DS I tried my best to make sure he saw both sets of grandparents, especially his fathers mother, as his father had remarried and DS didnt see them for periods of time. My MiL was a wonderful GM to him. I was very lucky myself having 4DGPs alive right throughout my youg adulthood, all living in the same town. I spent a lot of time staying full time with both sets of DGPs before starting school as my DM couldn't cope with 3 DC under age 4.
I even had 2 great DGPs alive until 1986.
I was lucky to have one lovely DGM until she was 91 and I was 48.

My dads mum died before I was born but my gd lived to in his 80s but he didn’t really take much notice of me or my siblings.
My mums dad died when I was about 6, don’t remember him much either except he kept chickens in the back garden and he would let me feed them when I visited sometimes.
My mums mum wasn’t very nice we were ignored or moaned at. My mum and dad and h mum and dad were great my children have lovely memories of them.

Sound words legs55
Much appreciated

Well said Samie - thankyou

I had 3 GGPs alive when I was born towards the end of the war. Two died when I was very young but remembered going on the train to Essex to see my materal GGM who was dressed in black and very wizened eith white hsir. I think she lived until her late 90s. I had 3 GPs and then the 4th turned up when I was 3 but died a few months later. My 3 GPs were alive until my late 20s so they were all alive when my children were born. My DC also had 3 GGPs in their fathers side but they only remember one as the other two died while they were very young. My DPs were wonderful GPs who looked after them in the school holidays as I was working. But not so their paternal GPs who really didnt want to know. My lovely Mum even cared for some of my grandchildren when needed. I then adopted a second family and my DPs were lovely GPs to them too. I don't see so much of my GC now as we live abroad but most of them were adults before we retired.

Hi,
You guys are all so lucky getting contact with your grandkids. We have four grandkids. Two are overseas and we regularly skype etc. Two are here, where we came, at their parents asking, 4 years ago. Unfortunately we are allowed no contact with them. This is their mother's doing. We were told in an email that 'these are our kids, not yours. We didn't have them for you.' So we've made a new life. We go out with people who don't have kids, take night classes, and think of other things. Life is not easy for anyone, as far as I can tell, but it's good to make the most of what we do have - in my case, a loving husband and good friends.!

It's not until I became a grandmother myself a couple of years ago that I've thought more and more about what it might have been like to have a grandmother around - I never had any. I picture someone to go to for cuddles and chats, but like has been said no good dwelling on it and despite having no personal experience of what a grandmother might be, I'm simply doing my best and hope that what comes naturally will be sufficient.

Be kind to yourself Wotnot and don't feel guilty. You dealt with the hand you were given.

Don't waste time feeling guilty about things you can't change. Life is too short.