Importance of grandparents

wotnot, it is surprising how many people lack grandparents and other relations. DH had no grandparents three died before he was born and the fourth had remarried, started a new family and had no interest in his grandchildren. He is an only child and does have distant relations, but that is not quite the same.

I had three grandparents but because my father was in the army and we spent long periods stationed abroad we frequently didn't see them for three years at a time and the only form of communication was letters.

My DDiL has a similar experience of grandparents who died before she was born, plus her father died when she was 5. Going further generations back this kind of pattern repeats itself. My children are the remarkable ones, that they did have 2 full sets of grandparents, who both lived 60 miles away( in opposite directions) but knew them, loved them, and saw them about once a month.

GN by its name is aimed at older people who have grandchildren. Obviously those many children/adults without grandparents will never feature on it, except for this thread.

I think, as families have grown smaller, your family reflects a version of the most common experience.

My children had grandparents but hardly ever saw them, the same with other relatives. We had moved away from our families for work and so the family didn't see why they should put themselves out to visit us. All the contact was left to us, it was very one sided and we gave up.
They are now in their 30's and I still feel bad that they had no close family to grow up with.
On the plus side my sons are very close to me and their dad, we're always there for each other without question.

From the age of four, I had just the one grandparent and as both my parents were only children, there were no aunts, uncles or cousins either.

It is what it is, I don't feel I've missed out on anything. What I've never had, I've never missed, I suppose.

I had all 4 grandparents, and a great grandmother when I was little, and did spend a lot of time with them and heard a lot of their stories. I still remember the dreadful heartbreak when my great-gran's death was quickly followed by her daughter, my nanna.
One of my grandfathers lived to 98, and saw his great grandchildren into their adult lives. He was great company, and I still miss him.

I never had any grandparents, so when my grandchildren arrived, I always said that I could be any sort of grandparent I wanted to be, as I had no preconceptions from when I was growing up.

I grew up with 3 grand parents all though very rarely saw my grandad as he was a merchant seaman. All of them lived local and I saw both grannies regularly but they weren't the type of grannies that sat you on their knee and read to you or played with you. One died when I was 10 the other a year after I married and had had H as her lodger when he moved the 50 miles to be near me. I don't feel that I would have missed out if they hadn't been around.
Mum and dad's siblings all lived hundreds of miles away so we only saw them once a year or so.
When my children were born only my mum was still alive, she was very much a hands on grannie and a big part of their lives. She did childcare for me as I worked p/t and would take them to mother and toddler group and later do school runs etc.

I only had one living grandparent when I was growing up, and didn’t see her, or go out of my way to see her, often. As for Aunts, I was closer to my father’s sisters than my mother’s. I only had one cousin who was of an age with me and I still keep contact with him. My own children don’t really remember their grandparents, as we were mostly living abroad when they were still alive, but they had plenty of contact with their aunts, uncles and cousins later on. My mother was a good hands on grandmother to her other grandchildren and would have been to mine I’m sure. My own grandson has two older cousins on his father’s side he sees once or twice a year, a grandmother who does not go out of her way to spend any time with him, or, as far as I know, spare him a second thought (not even a birthday card this year) and us - who do our best to make up for that by having him constantly in our thoughts, and seizing with both hands every opporunity to be in his company.

I had all 4 gps until I was about 9. I stayed with my maternal gps a lot and went on holiday with them. One of my younger brother was disabled and I think they thought they were helping. I don't know why me as opposed to the others.

My paternal gps were glamorous and quite scary! My mum fell out with them and most other relatives so I didn't really know my cousins. I have now made contact with one cousin and my aunt and it's lovely.

Like nanarose I was lucky to have all of my grandparents through my childhood and my maternal grandma until I was 54 !!
She lived to be 99 and saw her great great grandchildren ( my three grandchildren) regularly as we included her in everything we did as a family . I consider myself extremely lucky .

I had only one grandparent from the age of 3. She was a force of nature and a huge influence in my life, even though we moved away from Durham, where she lived, when I was 5. I only saw her once or twice a year, when she stayed with us or I stayed at hers, but I loved her dearly, and she was the source of practically all I know about my family history. My family pattern is an exception really. My DC had all 4 DGP in their lives and so do all my DGS, two of whom still have 4 great-grandparents on my DDIL’s side. The DGS see a lot of their cousins too, and they’re similar ages. I was much younger than my 12 or so cousins and we’d moved away from their area, so didn’t have that experience. I do feel I missed out, but we get what we’re given!

My mum was the youngest girl of 11 children, there was a 20 year age difference between her and her eldest sister.
All her siblings had an opinion.
Only One Grandfather left by the time I was born, who lived with us until I was 10 and then he died.
My poor mum was bombarded with ‘advice’.
I grew up surrounded by Aunts and Uncles and cousins, when I moved out of the area (only60 miles away but in those days with no cars) I found I had to start making friends with people who weren’t family.

I never knew my maternal grandmother as she died long before I was born - my mum never knew her father (war baby) so I only had my paternal grandparents but I don't remember much about them as they only looked after me once. We moved away when I was 8 and when we visited I was forced to sit still between my parents as they talked - suffering with car sickness I stopped going as soon as I was allowed to. I do remember the house very well though which is strange. My grandmother died when I was 14 and my grandad a year later. I feel sad and guilty now that I didn't make more of an effort to get to know them properly. My dad was the youngest so they already had several other GC before me. My own children were very lucky to have all 4 grandparents into their own adulthood who also saw my granddaughters born - my sons were very close to my parents who only lived round the corner. I am thankful that they didn't live to see my youngest son emigrate as they would have been heartbroken but also believe he put off going until they'd both passed away for this very reason.

Both my Grandmothers died before I was born and one Grandfather died when I was 4 and the other a year later. I have vague memories of them but very fleeting.

I did have two lovely Great-Aunts though, one a retired teacher who taught me to read and to knit and the other, a retired milliner who had gone blind but used to knit pixie-bonnets for me despite that. Anyone remeber those?

They lived together - they were sisters of my paternal Grandmother and were very loving and caring and took the place of my missing Grandmother. I loved them both and saw quite a lot of them.

My own children missed out on grandparents as DH's Mother died before I met him and his Dad when my two were 6 and 4. My parents retired to live on the Isle of Man in 1978 when they were 7 and 5 and rarely saw them but always took a keen interest in what they were up to.

Our own DGC have played a big part in our lives and us in theirs and we love them dearly. All four are now teenagers but still very affectionate and we love spending time together. I firmly believe that a happy relationship with family is a great foundation for life.

My parents moved away from family when I was small. My grandparents visited annually. We had to be quiet and extra well behaved during the visits and I didn't feel any connection. We saw a cousin of my mother's and my father's sister once every few years. Hence, I grew up with very little extended family.
My sons grew up with grandparent, aunts, uncles and cousins around very frequently which was good for them. My DGD are also growing up with lots of extended family nearby.

I had maternal grandparents but my parents were only children so other relatives were not particularly close though we saw them from time to time. I saw my grandparents a lot throughout my childhood and just took them for granted really I suppose. Our own children didn't see their GPs much at all as they lived a long way away and didn't travel. DH's father died before they were born. However our children do remember them a little. As for our own GC - we're lucky enough to live within a reasonable distance and see them all at least once a week. One of GD's often stops by on her way home from school to 'chill out' which is lovely.

wotnot wrote
" I feel sad and a sense of guilt some how that they missed out on something very important."
I also feel sad that my grandchildren are missing out on something important, though most of them do have some contact.
But don't feel guilty - imo it's mainly due to the fact that families have moved away from their roots since the mid 20C. No longer living with grandparents, or knowing that they're just around the corner. As in my childhood experience.
I think what's missing now is a sense of shared identity, plus a family network which you can depend on for help in hard times.

Family us not always a blessing as witnessed on here all the time. I am very glad I had had my own GP but my chidren had very poor family on their dad's side.

If you watch these pages, you can't help but see the down side of family life, at least you and your children have a chance to start a new tradition of grandparenting now.

These circumstances were not in your control and the main thing is that your kids had a good Mum. You will in turn be a good Gran, and will therefore start your own extended family tree with you at the helm !

My dads parents died before I was born and I only saw my mums parents once a year, so i feel as if I missed out. All my aunts and uncles lived away too, so I know how she feels but obviously nothing can be done about it

I did feel sad when my children were young that they had no grandmother such as my DH and I had had but I need not have worried, they 'adopted' older neighbours who filled the gap admirably.

Well said Coconut.Wotnot-you cannot change the past and have nothing to reproach yourself for as those circumstances beyond your control.
I did not have grandparents close but now I have grandchildren we spend as much time as we can with them. Hopefully you will have the opportunity to be a hands on gran and your family circle will extend so look to the future?

I agree with happilyretired123. Things could change.

I grew up with my parents having moved away from all our relatives, so we only saw them a couple of times a year on a visit to my grandparents.
Bringing up my own family, we lived 100 miles away from anyone else, but visits were more frequent.

Now I live within a few miles of my grandchildren and see them often. They have all four natural grandparents alive, but because of second marriages, they can count another six adults of my age as almost grandparents. Then there are the other grandparents of their cousins, with whom they spend one holiday a year, so in fact the tables have turned and they are surrounded by a huge family network. So lucky that everyine gets on well.

Families are different in many ways - what works for one doesn’t work for another - I have one biological daughter and we are very close having moved to live close by her at her request once she set up home to have children after uni - can’t imagine not being part of hers and grandchikdren’s And indeed son in law’s life - however I have a stepDaughter who has nothing like that relationship with her mother - visits once a year and sees me more than her own mum although that is only about four times a year - they all differ

All my grandparents were dead before I was born; I am the youngest of my generation. I had one step-grandmother, whom I loathed and the feeling was mutual. So I have a romantic view of grandparents, particularly grandmothers and often write about that relationship in my books. Now that I am a grandmother myself, I feel I've had no role model of how to do it. I love them and do the grandmother things but it doesn't come as naturally as I had hoped.