Problems with the Mother in Law?

Iam64 Thanks for replying. I have 2 DILs. One engages in the building blocks of a relationship, one does not. We bite our tongues, get on with the other families and have built a relationship with them, help when asked for it etc etc etc! Both parties have to want to build a relationship despite all that.

I think that was my attitude too Elrood and it certainly worked with my DSs who all knew how to be considerate and kind. Unfortunately that didn't necessarily make them a good judge of character. However I do have 2 lovely DiLs.

I read many years ago that a Mother was bringing her son up for another woman . I thought how true and brought my son up keeping that in mind. Thankfully today I have a wonderful dil and tell everyone if I had picked her myself I couldn't have picked better.

I was very fond of my wee MiL. She was very kind and a much loved part of the family. I was always very happy to involve her in all aspects of my children's lives. We felt that she loved them as much as we did so was a very safe pair of hands to leave children with on the odd weekend. She was always their favourite gran.

I know that my own MIL cut off her MIL and my H and BIL were not allowed to see her.

FIL believes she just didnt like his mother. Both of H's grannies had died before we met so I have no perspective of my own to offer. She does refuse to have any photo of FILs mum in the house though even though she displays dozens of photos of her own parents.

I adored both my mother and father in law, missed them both when they died. I have 2 DIL and 2 SIL, and I like them all, we get on, and I hope they like me as well.

Mad gran, I’m a mother in law to sons in law. I get on well with the other four grannies. We do,our best to support the young families and zip our lips occasionally to avoid telling our adult children to learn from our experience, unless they ask of course which thankfully, they do (sometimes ✋️)

My MiL was outspoken, difficult, demanding, eccentric, gave unwanted advice. She could drive me to distraction. She was also funny, caring, and good company. She wasn’t the greatest mother,mainly due to really bad decisions made when she was a young women that had very detrimental effects on her children. Like Oldmeg posted I came from a family bought up to be polite to my elders and so I tried really hard. It paid off and we became incredibly close. We still had disagreements but never held a grudge. She confided in me. I probably knew her better than her children. When she died last January I was distraught and my husband said”I’m not surprised your upset you were fonder of her than I was” I feel a bit upset writing this because I still miss her. I think I’ve been a nicer MiL and the problem with this is that I don’t think my own DiLs know the real me, just the saccharine coated one.

My MIL refused to even speak to my let alone meet me. I got married again for the second time just over 12 years ago (after saying never again). My partner is 20 years younger than me and comes from up in Scotland. His family were horrified that not only was he with somebody twenty years his senior but that also he was intending to move to middle England. Despite his parents having been separated since he was a young boy they banded together along with his sister's to try every trick in the book to get him to change his mind. When they realised that it wasn't going to work they threw that old chestnut it is her or us in his face. He called their bluff and walked away cutting all ties. Despite several pleas from me to build bridges he refuses to let them back in. I worry about what he will do and who he will have down here when anything happens to me. My health is deteriorating fast and I have already had one near death experience. I have no children and my mother who thinks the world of my husband is now 80 and not in good health herself. I never wanted my husband to have to give up is family because of me and I told him that. I just feel really sad that one day he will be all alone because of me!

Nonnie I never deliberately misunderstand, usually just reading quick or miss some posts in thread or whatever.
Re MiL , I also wonder if cutting out is a more modern phenomenon

To become a friend both parties have to want to be friends!

Eskay - I like your DM's thinking! We need more like her instead of the rivalry we sometimes see posted about wedding arrangements and time spent by GPs' with their DGC!
For your DM's suggestion, ? - and for your acting upon it - ? - and for MiL too - ?

My late friend M had three sons. She was very fond of her youngest's girl friend, J. When he told M that he was asking J to marry him she offered a lovely ring which had belonged to her own DM. All the family were happy about this and J loved the ring.
Sadly M's DS and J broke up so didn't marry. M insisted that J kept the ring and also remained in friendly contact with J.
I think she would have been a good MiL!

My mil was lovely, mad as a bag of frogs, but kind and caring, and boy she could talk,I miss her 24 years after her death, I wish I was more tolerant of her, but did what I then thought to be my best,she died during the night and I found her in bed the next morning, just wish I could have held her hand as she died,. Bless her

It's my mil 'funeral tomorrow and I'm sitting here reading these posts. I too had quite difficult start with her and she was difficult throughout our married lives.however when she needed me I was there and at the end I knew she appreciated all I had done .so tomorrow I will say goodbye and know we can move on with her blessing.

As a bloke I found that so long as I kept a clear county between me and my MiL, now long gone, we had no problems at all. I really do advocate this as a way ahead.

My MIL had two boys - I was married to her favourite. I think she would have been better off with daughters really and I don't think that she totally approved of the fact that children actually grow up and leave home.
We had nothing in common and I found her rather overbearing. Mostly I was polite to her but she tried the patience of a saint.

I wasn’t keen on my MIL to start with. And, to be honest, probably not that friendly at times. Especially when we had our new baby, new home, new husband, and my own mum round the corner. Then my own mother suggested I make her my friend. This I did, and she turned out to be a really good friend and family support who I couldn’t manage without as time went on and family dynamics changed. I miss her still.

Iam64 Do your DILs engage in building a relationship with you, as a MIL who tries not to interfere or judge? Assuming that they do, then there is a basis for a relationship to be built between you which is good.

My late MIL was a person who hugged you - I found this very difficult for a long time as my own Mum didn't hug any of us and would actually take a step back if we went to hug her, so we didn't. It took me quite a while to get used to being hugged and to be given a welcome peck on the cheek and a farewell peck on the cheek too! Fortunately my MIL kept trying and eventually I got used to it and would reciprocate in kind, although I did, by mistake, once go to hug my own Mum and she skittered away as if I was dangerous. MIL died just over 20 years ago now and I still miss her very much - she was much more of a Mum to me than my own was.

I was lucky to have had a lovely MIL - she was a quiet country woman who had her son late in life and she and her husband led very quiet lives. MIL was far less possessive than FIL. They were old school and expected to see us every weekend - even though we were working full time. MIL was so kind and understanding when I lost both my parents and I missed her dreadfully when she died. From watching my children with their in-laws and with us there needs to be a bit more give and take. We cannot live our lives through our children and the days of weekly visits are (thank goodness) long gone. We see our children and grandchildren regularly but accept that families are busy (as are we).

Madgran, I agree with you that creating emotional distance isn't easy. You are also correct in your comment about not looking for conflict.
I've had 2 mothers in law. The first was interfering and doted on her only son, taking his side in any discussion, never mind argument between the son and his father. She clearly thought I was a flibberty gibbert, this was confirmed when I left him years later. I was very young when I married for the first time and had little experience of domineering women who worshipped their sons to a ridiculous degree.
My 2nd mother in law was highly suspicious of me, divorced with children. It took her a while to get to know me and I did understand her hesitance. We became very close, I loved her very much. She was a great role model for my daughters and as a mother in law.
I'm a mother in law to 3 currently. I try not to interfere or judge. I know it isn't easy. I do feel though that some folks would start an argument in a paper bag and that conflict avoidance isn't always the easy option but can be the right one.

When I married The Wonderful Man at the age of 32 I was a divorcee with three children and he was just a boy of 23. Before we got engaged his mum wrote to me and pointed out the reasons why she had concerns about our relationship - none of which I could argue with because they were all valid. However, in spite of their expressed misgivings, his parents made the decision that if we did decide to get married they would give us their full support, and they have always done so. The Wonderful Man and I have been very happily married for thirty one years now and my mother-in-law has become a dear friend and confidant. She is a very special person and I love her to bits, as I do my father-in-law; they are kind, generous in-laws and wonderful grandparents.

So sad to read that so many had difficult Mils, that was a surprise to me. I wonder how many of them cut their MiL out of their and their children's lives like so many do today.

I not only get on well with 2 DiLs, one of their mothers has become a close friend and comes to stay with us for holidays.

Thank you Madgran. I'm afraid my experience of some posters on gn led me to that conclusion, they seem to find reasons to misinterpret things. However, they never apologise!