Problems with the Mother in Law?

Maybe I am blessed, never having had a MIL

My husband's mother died when he was seventeen, so I never met her. I wish I had known her. It would have been nice to have someone tell me about him as a little boy. He doesn't talk about his childhood at all.

Very pleased to say that my MIL is lovely as are my two daughters in law

My MIL disliked me as soon as I started dating her DS. She tried to spoil everything - our engagement party, wedding plans, all were tinged with difficulty because of her showing off and creating problems. She was, I think, a man hater as she treated FIL appallingly, was a cold mother, and didn't bother with my DS at all. I once heard her described as one of life's 'spoilers' - people who do nasty things because they can. Twenty years into the marriage I could no longer cope with the problems she caused and simply dropped out of anything that she was involved in. It would be lovely to say that this solved things but of course it didn't - although it saved me from any further direct unpleasantness. I resolved to love whoever my children chose unconditionally - and I have tried very hard to do just that.

love it!

Don’t worry Nonnie I think most of us knew what you meant, and if we didn’t Gabriella was there to put us right!
My MiL was, quite simply, wonderful. She was welcoming to all her DiLs (4), warm, funny, and eccentric. FiL exactly the same. Sadly I only had her for ten years and I still miss her. I was in shock when she died and felt it more than when my own DM died - I feel very bad about that and wish I could have DM back so that I could try harder.
My DiL is equally wonderful and I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better wife for my DS or mother for DGS. And I think she feels roughly the same! Ex-SiL maintains that none of us ever liked him. He’s right and we had/have good cause but we never even mentioned it to each other out of loyalty to DD and we always made sure he was included in everything we did. (Should say, in our defence, that he says pretty much the same about everybody ...)
So I would that I have been more than fortunate with my in-laws! I’m so sorry for all of you who have had really nasty ones.

Tilly

Me too my lovely mil was my role model. I get on with my dils very very well. Hopefully will with future son in laws too.

Just lucky I guess

Nonnie I did misunderstand , and apologies for that, but it was not intended as unpleasant!!

I believe I have a similar relationship with my son-in-law. I think he'd agree.

3- first was a raging alcoholic and jealous.met her 2xs,it was enough! raised her 3 younest sons for her
#2 was a diamond in the rough.at first she was nasty to me til i fought back(didn;t take her bs)she liked that and informed me she just wanted to see if i was worthyam still friends with ex
3rd a teacher, was the gem of them all.we hit it off the minute we met.didnt get to see her often but wrote alot.she died 3 yrs ago at age 90 and dh a year ago i miss both.#3 used to tell me" if he doesn't behave you tell him i will lay him out in lavender"(had to look that one up).she would then giggle.he was in his 60s at the time.
i miss 2 and 3 and somehow # 1 ended up living 10 miles away and is still alive.
myDILs are wonderful and we have 3 way emails at least once a week catching up on sons and gc.
some are good, some are bad as in all things,
congratulations to those celebrating anniversaries.

My m-i-l was lovely but we got off on a very easy footing from the start. My own mother had an adversarial relationship with her m-i-l and never hesitated to complain bitterly about her. She might well have poisoned my mind about mothers-in-law, and both my sisters had very rocky relationships with theirs, but I was lucky. My dear m-i-l and I had a long relationship of mutual liking and respect.

No probs Nonnie

The clue was in the use of your name Oops even though I typed it wrong! Apologies for that.

Thanks Oops I find it very difficult when people say something unpleasant because they haven't read the thread properly. It is very difficult to know if they are doing it deliberately or not.

My husband says he couldn’t have had a better or kinder MIL.... he got on better with my mum than his own, who was a manipulative.. complaining and lazy woman! My SIL is great and lost his mum just after he married my daughter ten years ago...he gave me a hug the other day and said he couldn’t imagine a better MIL. It’s not difficult... just keep your nose out of their business and try to be helpful. I have no probs with him , or him with me!

Madgran, nonnie was commenting on my question regarding the use of Mother’s in Law rather than mother in Laws.

I got on reasonably well with my late MIL but l always got the impression (probably wrongly) that l wasn’t quite as acceptable as my DH’s brother’s wife who she got on with like a house on fire. As a result l didn’t really see much of them and my DH took our 2 boys there for a couple of hours every Sunday and l stayed at home. It’s something l look back on now with some degree of guilt and sadness.

After having my two sons ..and no daughters ..I now have two DIL’s of my own and l love both the girls dearly. We all get on really well and l count myself very lucky. A long time ago before they all married l always had in my mind that when they picked their wives ...it would be their choice ...and they would quite rightly come first in my sons lives. It was down to me to form a good relationship with their wives which is what l have fortunately been able to do.
As a result of this l am rewarded by having unlimited access to my grandcherubs ...overnight stays etc; ...lots of family gatherings ..meals out etc;

So l really do believe that it’s up to us MIL’s ...if we want a good relationship with our sons and their wives ..we have to put in as much effort as possible to achieve it.
If not then we all run the risk of losing contact with our sons as well as any children they may have.
I know it’s not always possible in every situation but if you can try ...the rewards are worth it.

My MIL was a no nonsense lady from the North East. We got on well and after her son and I were divorced she told him that if he had treated me better then I wouldn't have left him !!!

Madgran what do you mean? Where did I say that? Please retract.

jefm spot on!
Iam64 creating emotional distance can be a very very difficult balance in a MIL/DIL relationship! And "looking for conflict" is not necessarily the problem!!

Nobody should have unlimited respect solely based on their position within a family.
If a person treats other someone badly or with little to no respect then they will lose the care and respect of those around them.
It's cause and affect.

Treat everyone with respect. Those who don't reciprocate the respect, create some emotional distance from. Looking for conflict in a world full of tension and conflict is no way to live - much love, peace and calm, from Pollyanna

Very strange MiL who was really nice for a few years, then not, then lovely, then the marriage broke down and she had no contact with me or her grandchildren. I sent her a card on a big birthday which was returned, torn up. She doesn't know she has a wonderful GGD as her son is cut of the same cloth.
However I have the best DiL in the world, (although my sister says she has the best 3 DiLs) which makes up for everything.

I agree with oldmeg, in her post of 8.29, basic good manners should ensure that MiLs are treated with respect at the very least.

My MIL was a lovely bighearted woman who welcomed her DILs into her family with open arms. Very sadly she died when she was 51. I have tried to make her my role model.