Problems with the Mother in Law?

Jefm, I think you’re right, I kept my mouth shut and tried to stay away from my MIL, which was easy as she wasn’t interested in any of us anyway.
Nowadays, everyone seems so adamant that they are right and they won’t just let anything go, it’s all confrontation.
Which is sad when GCs are involved.
However, my Mum was a great MIL to my husband and not so great with my poor SIL who married my brother, that’s because we all believed him ( he was her darling boy) when he told us how awful things were at his home and cheered him on when they separated, if only we had known the truth at the time.

My MIL didn't like me from the start. Called me a Slag and that I wasn't allowed in her house. God knows what I'd done. I hadn't even met her at that point.

It was always frosty, she didn't acknowledge me and wouldn't talk to me. She didn't think I'd last. There was nothing there at all. She scared me abit tbh!

Then she found out I was pregnant. The damage had been done by then. I knew she didn't like me, DH knew she didn't like me, I knew she was faking it all. Not really fussed about the baby untill I have birth and she treated me like an oven.
She did not care about me at all and boy it showed!
It was like I'd had a baby just to give her a grandchild.
She wanted a family photo and asked me to take the picture. Things like that.
DH would constantly apologies for her.

It went down hill very fast. Lots of things happened and after a few years it all kicked off, we don't see her anymore.

I cant say I was terribly close to my MiL but she was fine on the whole and I did get quite fond of her. We got on quite well I think though she annoyed me at times.. However she never interfered or criticised.
I also get on well with DiL and SiL so I think I must be lucky. I do try to be supportive and not critical - I keep my thoughts to myself as there are things about both which annoy me but would not dream of letting them know! They are both decent people and are suppotive of my S&D so you cant really say fairer than that! Im sure I annoy them too but they are too polite to say!

generalise!

My MiL was lovely. I feel so lucky to have known her. Sadly she died last year: I think about her often.

I am a MIL and sadly my relationship with my DiL is not great . I had a good relationship with my MiL even though she was a lot older than my own dear mum. Most people have stated the stark fact though that we were a generation that treated the older ones with respect and usually managed to bite our tongue when something didn't feel quite right with either our mum's or MIL. These days it appears that conflict and constraining relationships with grandchildren is sadly more the norm!. Impossible to generalist but my heart goes out to many grans on grans net for that reason. We are all different including our DiL's i guess?

My MiL was great...pity about her son.

My MiL was awkward, but like so many of her generation had a difficult upbringing and a difficult War, then had to care for her own overbearing MiL.
I did however get on fine with her,once I 'got' her (which included her being much nearer my grandmother's age than my mother's) and she brought up 2 fantastic sons.

As for my own 4 'daughters of my heart' I sometimes wonder what I have done to deserve such wonderful young women in my life!

Love my SIL and son's partner and un-official DIL to bits. As for my MILs My first and the only one I knew was a great support, still phoned and kept in touch after my ex left us and when I re-married my OH and I would go and visit her. Still miss her.

She was great, a strong woman who loved her family and helped anyone. Sadly she developed dementia and psychosis in her last five years and had to be looked after in a nursing home. She would never have wanted that and I feel guilty everyday that we were not in a position to take her into our home. We have a small open plan house which is lovely but we only have one sleeping area on a raised mezzanine and no other bedroom. The place was designed for just the two of us.

I have had three MiLs.
I got on with the first really well and she supposed me after he disappeared with a girl he worked with. She had no contact with him for a couple of years then I heard through the grapevine that he was to be a Dad. I then received a letter from her telling me she had found him and to stay away as she didn’t want we in her life anymore (I was devastated)
The second one was a nightmare, my husband was an only child and lost his father when he was nine so was spoiled and selfish. She was like a third person in our marriage always came everywhere with us and was never very nice to me until later in life when she had dementia and suddenly thought I was great. Luckily she was to far gone by the time he left me for my friend so didn’t know about it. She died a couple of weeks later (my two daughters were devastated).
My third MiL was lovely but unfortunately she also got dementia and died several years ago.

My 1st MiL was a slave to her H & children, lovely lady although FiL was overbearing, we rubbed along ok.

2nd MiL was a lovely lady, we got along well & she adored my DD. FiL & I got along ok (they were divorced) although his 2nd wife (never thought of her as MiL) was a bit strange.

3rd MiL was an Austrian lady who had fled the rise of Hitler with her H in 1939, we had a good relationship, she was very"individual" , very outspoken but much loved within the family. I was regarded as being a suitable DiL as I looked after her DS very well & loved him very much. She was a lovely lady, enjoyed a drink & smoked right up to her death at the age of 93.

I only have DD but her OH regards me as a good Mil (at least I hope so)

MIL/DIL problems are a fact of life and will continue to be so because it's a love triangle - one man, two women. Fortunately, those two women are not competing for the same kind of love, so there's a chance if common sense prevails. My MIL was a single mum in WWII with hubby at war and a young son to bring up, she doted on the boy and drove an ambulance for a job - a capable woman. When my hubby came along - another boy - the magic had gone and she never showed him the care or love she had given to his older brother. Eventually, a daughter was born and being 'different' she absorbed the attention. Consequently, my hubby had no great love for his mum but I made him visit regularly, I ensured that our daughter had a relationship with her other set of grandparents and it all I have worked out well. I was with her, holding her hand just a day before she died and felt only sadness that she was on her last journey. Now I am a MIL (daughter's hubby) I have nothing but praise for my daughter in respect of her great relationship with her MIL who unlike my MIL, has been a doting mother but also very level-headed. Great relationships between in-laws can occur - and everyone should really work hard at this because at the end of the day our grandchildren need as many rocks in their lives as they can get and if those rocks stand strong together it's even better for them.

I always said it was worth marrying my husband to get his mother as a mother-in-law. She supported us 100% in every decision we made, although I'm sure she couldn't always have agreed with us, and praised me to everyone she spoke to. She adored our children and would give them her last penny although she was not well off. We all loved her dearly. She died 3 years ago and we miss her so much.

I have had 2 Mil, and wasn't very close to them, but can honestly say that both of them were so much better than my own mother.

I met my future MIL before I met her son (DH)
New neighbours came to live next door and future DH was in the military and serving abroad.We were to tolerate each other and I knew that no woman would ever be good enough for her 'boy'.
However when I produced grandchildren she could never do enough for me .As far as a DIL and MIL friendship was concerned that would never be.

My mother in law was lovely. Mind you she lived on the other side of the world and we first met when my husband, myself and 2 young children stepped of the plane after a 30 hour flight. His parents were so kind to us. We visited for 6 weeks just after Christmas and when we got back in the plane, I was in tears because I suspected we would never see them again. My husband was fine though!
My daughter in law is great, a friendly outgoing person. Just the sort of person my quiet son needs.

My MIL like me at first but then took a dislike after I decided (had to for financial reasons) go to work. I had married her precious baby boy and she thought I should be there for him and his son to provide three meals and day and lots of washing and ironing. My FIL sympathised and told me she used to air DH's shoelaces! I was always the awkward DIL as the other two DIL's never went to work - didn't do much of anything else as far as I could see! BUT I was always polite and helpful and we never fell out.

I am afraid to say I tolerated my MIL for 30 years and when she died I found a sense of relief and wondered what on earth all the nasty spiteful things she said and did ever achieve. Because of her jealousy, she broke up all her children's marriage's except mine even though she did her damnedest and could not understand why I married her son or worst why I was still with him!. We escaped most of her impossible demands by living in Europe for 10 years so I was able to keep her at arms length and ignore her behaviour but as a consequence she lost my children's affections and the rest of the family including the other 10 grand children. She died a lonely bitter person even though her children were at her bedside she still managed to be spiteful. I actually felt sad about this because she was the only grandparent my children had; both my parents died young, and she could have been such a help and an inspiration to me but it was not to be I had to do everything myself.
The lesson learnt from my MIL was Not to be like her and I hope my DILs and SIL see me as a friend, mentor even an agony aunt when needed. Someone they can turn to for help especially with the grandchildren. I always make them welcome and make sure they are all treated equally as members of my family. We also have contact with their respective parents and we meet up once a year for an extended family get together. When my DD or DS moan about their ILs we talk it through and try to find a solution that suits everyone. So different from my own experience, thankfully.

I hope I'm a good mother in law. Always try to be helpful but not intrude to much. One lives just down the road, and 1lives about an hour away. .but my son has just separated from his wife and I still occasionally talk to DIL on phone. As there is a grandson involved.

God Bless all MiLs! Referred to her as Mrs Smith/Jones and was delighted when we had children because she became Granny (please note I refuse to be know was Granny). She even wrote her son out of her will as she felt he had 'married beneath himself'. She phone me when I was pregnant and announced I would never have a boy and low and behold I gave birth to a boy.
Having a DiL I am acutely aware that it is a very different relationship than being a mum to my daughters. It is hard and I have a good relationship with her mother. I do still feel a bit left out at family events but that is part of the role.
I hope and pray I am a patient, kind, responsible and humorous Mil. I try my very best and give advice when asked and bite my tongue as I believe they have to live their lives and do what is right for their family. Now I can enjoy the grandchildren.

It's a source of regret to me that I didn't have a closer relationship with my MiL. We were pretty formal but'fine'. Retrospectively, I'm sure I could have done better but I always gravitated to my Mum when there was the difference between 'kick off your shoes' or afternoon tea. Selfishly the former won every time. I had pressures too but I definitely could have done better. I remember one with huge respect (she produced and reared one wonderful son, after all) and the other with enormous love. I was pretty fortunate all round.

My MIL used to wait until I was elsewhere - the loo or the garden - before scrabbling for her camera and taking pictures of her son and granddaughter without me.

On one occasion I won £1000. I offered my Sister and Mother and MIL £250 each to be spent on a Girls Shopping Spree.

When I asked her to join us, she replied " What on earth would I want to do that for ?? "

That said... her Son and I have been married for 48 years next month !!

I have had 2, the first used to check our house for dust, running her fingers along ledge and chair rails! Needless to say I did not measure up to her standards! The second was an alcoholic driven to it by FIL, they already had 12 grandchildren when ours came along and had little or no interest in them, luckily they lived 2hrs drive away so we did not have much contact

I had a fantastic MIL, she never interfered and only visited when invited. I always said I was going to be the same when my son's married. Unfortunately my eldest son takes that as not being interested in his children and it causes problems but I get on really well with his wife. My other sons first partner I really didn't like but kept quiet, they have now been separated for 9 years and I get on brilliantly with her and see the children every week. Love sons new partner and get on well with her even being asked to be at the birth of granddaughter if her own Mother was away.