DIL rude to me

There will never be a time when you can say what you think. Turn the other cheek and kill her with kindness. It may not work but it is all you can do. If you don't you stand a very good chance of joining the legions on here who have been cut out of their sons and GC's lives.

I would suggest being extra kind and sympathetic and ignore the rudeness. She is adjusting to having to share her husband (or not, she hopes!) and now this sadness. I remember as a teenager being very shocked when my future SIL told me she had to get my brother away from his mother! However, they were always friends and my mother would have been devastated to know this was what she thought, but it is an insight into how new wives think. I am not the jealous type at all so found it very difficult to understand. I think we older ones are the first to be hit when DIL is stressed because they know we will stick around for the GC. Weather the storm as I think we have to just put up with it for the time being to secure a future relationship. Good luck.

I walk on eggshells with one of my DiLs but never says anything to my son as I don't want to be totally excluded from their lives and not see my GC.

I certainly wouldn't say anything when her mum has just died, try to be quietly supportive. Maybe things will get better now her mum isn't there to rely on.

Don’t be hurt by the comment that you deserve the treatment, of course you don’t. You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t hurt by disrespect and passive aggressive behaviour that you were unable to defend. Many of us understand that. As we also know you have to continue being the better person, rise to the challenge and above all be kind. Kindness gives far more rewards all round than anger or spite. You are not being a coward you are being wise. Your strength and love are needed now, pack your irritation (perfectly justified) aside. We all acknowledge it. Go forth

Go and just 'be' as required. Your DIL will be feeling very vulnerable, and probably will be for quite a while. Now is not the time to start raking up problems. She may appreciate a listening ear ..perhaps in response to a few open questions eg. 'How are you feeling?

Absolutely agree with MissA

This stay with your DIL is not about you and your emotional needs. It is about supporting your son and DIL through a difficult time.
Some excellent advice on here.
You have the opportunity to start to build a good relationship. Stay positive and take comfort in the fact that you were asked to help.

I can only tell you what I myself would do :
I would tell DIL "listen, we have never been very close, and I accept you protecting your privacy. I don't want to try and replace your beloved mother, but I want you to know that if there is anything you would like me to do, I'm right here beside you."
Then do your bestest to help where needed while staying in the background. Have hot soup ready when they come home from the funeral, run the washing machine without being asked, stuff like that, friendly nice family things.

What is it with all this 'passive aggressive' nonsense? You are painting her as an agressor, she is just another woman trying to cope with various things in her ife which are pretty tough, like the rest of us.

There is no law says she has to like you, clearly you don't like her as you are so quick to label her.

This could be the very moment that things get better and you are asking strangers would it be a good idea to raise painful issues.

Start looking at yourself properly, are you blameless, are your expectations reasonable?

Time for you to be wonderful I think, time to stop with the labels and start with the comforting, you seriously concern me. Isn't you asking whether at a time of bereavement you can raise your own selfish agenda a bit 'aggressive'?

That poor girl, she needs love and support, make sure you go there full of both because you will be storing up troubles for the future if you don't.

She may just need you a little more in the future, so be there for her at this time. It's okay for it to be all about her right now.

Agree with the very good advice given. On the stress scale this poor girl must be near the top, did she know her mother was ill, that alone may have made her feel short with you, you ok her mum not, then new baby, death of mum she has probably not been "herself" for sometime. Give her a chance this could be your moment. If you tell her what you think you could turn your son against you, he will almost certainly defend her.

Yeah if there was ever a time to put your foot down this isn't it. Both your dil AND your son will be shocked by your bad timing and remember it forever. I am really surprised you are even asking this, OP, are you just trying to shock us?

This certainly isn't the time to be saying anything. Maybe in the future if things don't improve. But she might turn to you more now that she has lost her own mother. Perhaps make it clear that you are willing and able to help if needed.

It has all been said already. Not the time for anything but love and understanding. It might even be the beginning of a better relationship. Have fun with your new little grandson.

Try to stay in the background, offer to do things like cook, wash up, take the baby for a walk, etc but din’t push it if she declines. Also make yourself scarce at times so that she can be alone with your son, - maybe say you need to lie down for an hour but not to hesitate to disturb you if they want you for any reason. This is going to be a very difficult time for her. She would only be human if she were to resent the fact that you are alive and her mother is dead - in fact if she has known for a while that her mother was ill ( eg cancer?) that could help to explain her behaviour.

Having it out with my DIL would not have helped. It got worse anyway, but probably slightly more slowly. I now attribute it to projection of her own self dislike onto me. Appreciate that she has allowed your visit, and don't rock the boat just now.

Great advice from everyone, I have a DiL who I'm pretty sure doesn't like me, she's a great Mum to my 3 GDs, she has the upper hand because I'll never fall out with her because I'll never risk her stopping me seeing the children, she's very suttle with her comments to me but I keep a sense of humour about it all.....I don't have to live with her or see her all the time, she doesn't have to like me I did ask my son once to ask her not to talk about me in front of the girls as they were telling me what she said, he laughed but it stopped, it's the same for you, just smile, be sweet and enjoy your new GC xx

Like others have said this is not the time to address any issues, her emotions will be all over the place and however irritable she might be, just be kind, give her a hug and reassure her you are there for her.

This could be a turning point in your relationship, let’s hope so.

It would help to know what form the rudeness takes. There may be just a difference in perception. Also the passive aggressive behaviour may be a result of a perceived slight on your behalf,

I am not saying, she is not rude, but different family dynamics often lead to major failings out. That is why specific examples might help GN wisdom give you better advice.

My DDs thinks her MiL is rude as she spends a lot of time in the Kitchen for most of their visit. This is more noticeable if their DD is also visiting as she sits out there too. Her DH has told her”It is not personal, she does it to anyone who visits”.

Emm14 I know exactly where you are coming from. As much as it breaks my heart I just bite my tongue and wear a smile. It breaks my heart that the relationship we had as gone. My son is happy and settled and that is all I could hope for is him to be happy. My job is done.

Indeed you must not. You are of an age where wisdom should prevail and of a generation which valued good manners.

So be kind and considerate. If she is rude then you can perhaps maintain a dignified and telling silence. Otherwise the woman has lost her own mother, keep that in mind and act accordingly. This might be the turning point and if not then at least you can claim the moral high ground.

leeds22 I made the mistake of saying something to my son and Ihave now banned from going to the house. I still see my youngest grand daughter and my son at other family members homesb ut not the older two. But it has left a hole in my heart as i had never put a foot wrong in the 20 odd years i have known DIL and just one moment of voiced concern was mistaken as a critism and i am paying the price.

I agree with what many on here have said. Now is definitely not the time to have any sort of confrontation, especially as you say the point of you staying at your son's/daughter-in-law's home is to give support. It probably isn't going to help if, before you even get there, you are anticipating conflict.

It is early days yet and I hope that eventually, even if your daughter-in-law can be abrasive at times, you can achieve a reasonably happy relationship. It is partly up to you.

I agree with everyone else that now is not the time to raise any issues, just be caring and supportive. I had a very similar relationship with my DIL of nearly 11 years. I never said anything because I wanted to continue to see my grandchildren. However, towards the end of last year it looked as though the marriage might break up. I felt desperately sorry that my DIL might end up a single Mum to two lively children and what effect that might have on the children. I offered a huge amount of support and it opened up channels of communication between the two of us. It turned out that she had always found me "cold", which was exactly how I found her. Long story short, we had a couple of very honest and open conversations and there is a 100% improvement in our relationship and as a side effect she now participates more in family get togethers instead of playing with her phone looking bored. And thankfully, with the help of counselling, they are still together. They say communication is key, but it took a near disaster to get us communicating properly!

I'm somewhat surprised that you are asking the question - her mother has just died!!! No , don't raise any issues!! I understand when you talk about passive aggressive behaviour ..it is a strategy often used rather than direct discussion....but this os not the time or place to even vaguely consider doing anything about it. And I am someone suffering somewhat similar problems to those that you describe!