DIL rude to me

Totally agree. The fact that it even crossed your mind to confront her with it on such an occasion speaks volumes, I don’t understand how you could even consider it. If her mothers been ill for some time she’s probably resentful that you will be around to see the grandchild and her own mother won’t. Time needs to pass, it’s not all about you, she must have her reasons for her behaviour, so you will have to deal with it at that right time.

You sound like a lovely person, please don't give up on her! It does sound like she's had a rough time and possibly doesn't know how to deal with you being kind to her, but perservere and one day she will. Don't confront her, just carry on being your lovely self. She will be grieving more than just her mum (which is bad enough for her) but possibly the fact that she didn't have such a loving and close relationship with her mother as her husband has with you. Keep making a fuss of her, buy her little gifts, make her drinks and treat her with kindness. I don't think she means to be rude, she maybe hasn't been brought up in the same way as your son, but they love each other and that's a good start. Well done for being so patient, I'm sure one day you will be great friends.

Sometimes it's good just to get an objective view.

Jalima I also don't think the financial aspects are "unjust", they are certainly nothing to do with the OP in these circumstances, in my view.
I read the post as meaning about "unjust" behaviour towards her as she perceives it! I don't know if that is correct or not. Either way, the OP has said she is leaving it at the moment which is wise...she has listened to the good advice given on here.

I wonder what the OP hopes to achieve from 'addressing this unjust situation'?
She has accounted for her daughter-in-law's behaviour by saying she comes from a troubled background, so it is unlikely she will respond positively when confronted with criticism of her behaviour, whether now or later.
The son seems to be making tremendous efforts to create a happy family; I do hope his mother will keep her feelings to herself (permanently) and respect his wishes, not her own. She has so much to be thankful for.

Madgran
Just to say I do not myself think it is unjust and agree with grannyactivist's post.

The term 'unjust situation' baffles me in this context. What on earth has the son's financial situation got to do with anyone else? And why is it 'upsetting' to the OP that her very lovely son should be generous to his wife's mother? And why would the OP need to address the issue of her daughter-in-law's treatment of anyone else?
Kindliness in any situation goes a long way towards healing fractured relationships, as does not taking offense if there's a way of thinking about things through a different lens. My advice to the OP would be to lead by example and demonstrate how kindly and loving she truly can be and hope that eventually the daughter-in-law will be won over.

Jalima just shows how we all read things differently. Who knows eh!

Emm you need to put yourself in DIL's shoes and try every hard to put yourself in the place where she now finds herself. Her own mother is now dead and will never see her DGC grow up or even know them as people and neither will the children ever know their maternal GM. Your son has done his best to help his wife in caring for her mother who was his MIL so don't spoil or undo the effect of all that he has done. Also pointless to be jealous of that care.
As a new mum your own mother is the person you would go to for advice and now her mum is gone so the poor girl is doubtless feeling bereft. She will see you and your daughter together and that is going to hurt her badly as now that also has gone for her. Undoubtedly she will have known this was going to happen and she has been and will continue for some considerable time to be emotionally all over the place. New marriage, first baby and bereavement - so much to cope with!
It would be amazing if she didn't resent you and it will take years (if at all) to get past that feeling. Remember that "your son is only your son until he finds himself a wife" and now his first duty is to his wife and children and you come at the end of the line now.
My own maternal GM died shortly before my older sister was born and my mother told me how her MIL told her that she must look on her as her mother now. Knowing my paternal GM it was said with the kindest intentions but better left unsaid. My mother told me how crass she felt that to be and couldn't understand how she could even think such a thing never mind actually say it. It cut her to the quick and they never did have a good relationship for the rest of their lives. You certainly need to tread very carefully and be as quietly kind and supportive as you possibly can and remember the old adage that "you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar". Your son will want to be proud of his mum for her tact, kindness and forbearance and this is your one chance to be that mum. I wish you well.

I thought that the OP did think that the financial help given by her DS to his MIL was particularly unjust but perhaps that is just the way I read this post:
Emm14 Thu 01-Mar-18 07:33:16

Perhaps Emm didn't mean it to come across like that.

Bibbity I don't think the OP was referring to the financial stuff specifically - but the whole situation in terms of her relationship with her DIL, as she sees it.

If her mother has been unwell and you are in fine health, maybe she feels resentful about it. Also, many people who have had unsettled lives just can't get their heads around a different sort of relationship. My stepson's ex-wife could be quite scathing about his cushy relationship with us when her own parents had let her sleep on the street when she was 13. She could be terribly unkind at times and when she lived with us for 6 months, I had to bite my tongue so many times because fighting her would have just proved I couldn't be trusted. Your daughter and you have to show her there is a different way to be so her children also learn that too. Softly, softly catches monkey and all that.

What unjust situation?

Their finances and what they choose to do with them are none of your concern and you should never mention it.

If your DIL has been let down in the past by people who seemed to care for her she will be more distant because she is waiting for you to reject her.
That's very true, trisher

The problem with people from troubled backgrounds is that they do not respond as we would expect. If your DIL has been let down in the past by people who seemed to care for her she will be more distant because she is waiting for you to reject her. You have to hang in there and show you really want a relationship with her.

I will address this unjust situation but not now.

I would be inclined not to. You may consider it 'unjust' but this is perhaps the way she has been brought up, as you say, she comes from a troubled background so may not know how to respond to you.

If you carry on being kind and supportive to them all despite all then one day she may realise how good it is to have a mother-in-law who cares about her.

I heartily endorse what Luckygirl has posted above. This young woman needs to be shown kindness and this is how she will, eventually, learn to moderate her behaviour.

You could be a role model for her.

If this young woman's background has been so shaky, then your effort to bite the tongue would be best continued in perpetuity, both for her sake and for yours.

Emm14 god luck. Its hard!

I think this stems from jealousy. Now that she has found someone to love her, she wants to keep him all to herself.

My eldest sons’ first wife was like this. Her parents were highly critical of her, she argued constantly with her sisters and had always been in trouble in school. In an argument with him, she once told him, “The trouble with your family, is that none of you can see any wrong in each other”.

I was thinking about this when I posted earlier. She was so used to volatility and arguments that she would go out of her way to provoke him. He was such a mild mannered gentle person and she would get very angry with him because he would not argue,

Her rudeness to us took many forms, going out with the children to her mothers if we were 10 minutes late for a visit. Completely ignoring us if we went out for a meal.

I don’t think it is ever worth confronting people like this. I think she is trying to provoke you into a reaction. That way she can force your son to choose, with the hope that he will stop seeing you.

Wow! Can’t tell how much I appreciate you all taking the time to offer some advice - thank you so much everyone. You are right, of course, I can’t be heartless and confront her at this sad time. I will bite my tongue and busy myself with whatever I can do to support them all. But I do need to address this issue of her completely unacceptable treatment of not only me, but my daughter too. I do feel she is deeply resentful of the close and happy relationship I have with my children, the wonderful upbringing they’ve had and all love in the world. She hasn’t had that. She comes from very troubled background; hasn’t had the opportunities and security my children have had. Hand on heart, I truly have been so kind to her, so giving and generous but have had nothing but coldness. An example, I messaged her with my sincere condolences at the loss of her mother and stressed I was here to support her in any way I can. I got nothing back, no acknowledgement. But she has been on FB responding to the many messages she’s had from others. It hurts. What is particularly upsetting is the difference in how my son has treated her family - he financially supported her mother as she had to give up work due to illness. He has been wonderful and continues to be, supporting his wife through this sad time. I will address this unjust situation but not now. I will get through the weekend and do my best for them both. Thank you again, so very much x

Emm, of course you shouldn't say anything. Your poor dil has had a baby and lost her mother, how do you suppose she feels? I think she and your son need support. I would seriously ask yourself what you do want.

Sandym I m totally aware of hidden abuse and that might be the case, but there are no examples of it given so there is no way of knowing if the daughter in law is really abusive or not, but even if she is rude and uncaring the only way forward is for the poster to be the bigger person and make a friend of her The son has asked her to come to the house to support her which is a nice gesture and I would have thought the PERFECT opening for Emm to start a better relationship with her daughter in law, instead she’s asking if she should start a row !
I think women should stick together isn’t the daughter in law a woman

Emm14..... I don't want to jump in without being clear over some of the facts.

On the face of your post, I concur with the others that this would be the worst possible time for a confrontation because you need to respect that your DIL is grieving over the death of her mother.
You also mention that DIL was rude and passive aggressive towards you. Did her mother die suddenly or was she ill during all or part of the year in question? I mention because her mother's serious illness was bound to affect her moods and her personality. Stress driven behaviors can often be misinterpreted.

If nothing else, do your best to be supportive. Why squander the unique opportunity that you now have to turn things around for the better? It's in your grandson's best interest for this relationship to be mended. Your heart may not be in it, but you may be surprised to find that forgiveness and generosity can turn an adversarial relationship into one of genuine affection.

You know what I wish for for everyone, is we all try and love and respect each other. I think women should stick together more and appreciate each other more. It’s a shame but society is breaking apart . We need to encourage people to open up and talk about abuse whatever form it comes in. We need to not be afraid to be open and honest with our loved ones. That’s the only way forward . Keeping quiet never works really. It just prolongs the problem .