Difficult daughter in law

I used to have a close and happy relationship with my DiL. She and my son have been together since they were 18 (now 45). They have 2 lovely children aged 8 and 6. But nowadays she doesn't reply to emails, speak on the phone, even thank me for gifts for herself or the gc.
Last year my son, quite a private person, confided in me some worrying behaviour of hers which reminded me of my husband's struggles with depression ie able to cope with work but unable to spend time with close friends or family. I think she may be struggling with the 'burden' of helping to run the family business and coping with the children (even though my son does most of the cooking and childcare).
I now realise how hard it is to admit this, especially to family.
I write this only to suggest that maybe there are other reasons for what appears to be unwelcoming or difficult behaviour.

I frankly feel that the longer you let difficult people get away with being difficult, the more difficult they become.

That said, in your place Gigi57 I would follow the advice already given about talking to your son. Point out that you love him and your grandson and are quite prepared to love your daughter in law too, but that you feel she doesn't give you the chance.

I would also say that you feel it is unfair if you are to be banned by your DIL on account of an argument between your one daughter and her. You neither can nor should be expected to take sides in a disagreement between two adult sisters-in-law.

Unlike others I think I know what bit your daughter on that famous occasion. I see no reason why she or anyone else should put up with behaviour that she dislikes, but if either party is trying to rope you into their disagreement, tell them it is not any of your business.

To be fair, your DIL may be expecting you to take your daughter's side and be pleased to realise that you have no intention of doing so, so please make that clear to her and to your son.

Your DIL's mother wasn't a great help, was she? Again I feel sorry for your DIL - unless she really is and always has been a pain in the neck her own mother's attitude seems unjustified.

Even if the young woman is a right pain, whose fault is that? Hers, yes, but to a great extent also her mother's!

You neither can nor should attempt to bring up your DIL, but see if you cannot get so far that you can sit down and discuss the matter nicely with her. Otherwise the chance of you being "allowed" contact with your grandson seem very remote to me.

Talk to your son and do, please, make three things very clear: you are not going to get involved in whatever is going on between his sister and his wife; you love them all, including your DIL; you want this just to be a blimp on the radar and to be part of your DS, DIL and GS's lives.

Ps Your daughter may have been well intentioned but should she really have told her off? I hope the telling off didn’t take place when other people were about because then your DIL would have every right to feel aggrieved.

i am married to someone from Southern Europe and for a period of time when my daughter was young we lived in his country. I did attend an informal support group of other English speaking wife's called, "I'm married to a (nationality of country.)" as the cultutal differences and family closeness and influences were often a strain on relationships as this was not the norm in our own cultures. This did result in as much laughter as tears.

I feel in every marriage we have to realise all the family members have to try to understand that our in laws may have different norms and viewpoints than ourselves even if they have lived close to us. In the UK families are often not so close and not so tolerant of in laws.

In your case Gigi57 even her own mother finds her difficult, your daughter meant well by speaking up but maybe didn't realise she was just giving your DIL another reason not to socialise with your family.

Afternoon tea sounds a good way forward, passing the invitation through your son.

Good luck. P.S. My MIL was lovely.

As other people have said, I would either invite them round as a family for tea and cake and a walk or something OR I would phone your DIL and say how sorry you were that there was ill feeling at Christmas and invite just her for a chat and catch up over a cup of coffee in town.

All the very best ?

Yes... this is a problem which is escalating at a rate of knots. I belong to a grandparents' support group and speak from experience. I'm sorry to say I have nothing to add except to say keep calm and wait....

Actually I think you have contradicted yourself hugely there golden age You say these personality traits are learned and then back up the girls mother against the daughter but you haven’t asked yourself wouldn’t the girl have learned those traits from her mother then ??
There are always two sides maybe the daughter in law had a difficult time with her own mother and now has TWO of you ! Or maybe she is just a pain in the neck but eitherway making an enemy of her won’t help you
If you want to be part of their lives you have to include her like her or not so start being nice you might find out shes not passive aggressive but just not very confident of her abilities and feels judged by you and her mum or maybe she’s just a spoiled diva but either way she’s in your family now so make the best of what your son has chosen to give you

Have to say this but there are so many threads on gn about dil and sil, some of us have been unlucky with our children’s partners it seems.
Hate it when they won’t let you see the gc. So cruel.

Wise words BlueBelle, wise words.

You may have an ally in her mother who clearly receives the same treatment as you - the problem lies with your dil and therefore this is something you should discuss with your son - get him on side, tell him his mil also gets the rough end of the stick, and basically let him know that if she is so passive aggressive as a general characteristic, this will pass on to your grandson and will affect his perception of the world and personality. Sad fact I'm afraid that these personality traits are learned and therefore you have a duty to point this out to your son. If it was just you she was difficult with I might say different, but her own mum backs you up so the issue is with your dil.

IMO. Say nothing to her, don’t let her know it bothers you. She’ll need you one day. Speak to your son when you get him on your own.

Treading on eggshells can soon turn into treading on landmines. Coconut is right; the issues eventually need to be addressed, but it is often later rather than sooner. That is the worry.

These anti daughter in law threads are coming in so fast now it appears so few people get on with their daughter in laws
I d say keep your door wide open for the sake of your son and your contact with your grand child/children Invite them for coffee and cake Do something nice for the daughter in law try to make a friend of her, the fact that you and the girls mother are talking against her isn’t a good sign I wouldn’t do that any more she will see that as ganging up and retreat even more I would think if she were to find out
Try to see her side of things and her idea of your role in her life there are always two sides in every story

Oh Gigi, how this resonates with me! We have had this problem for years with DiL and have had many a time when I have just felt it was not worth the effort and I wanted to walk away. Luckily our DS knows how she can be and during the worst times since DGD has been born (4 yrs) has ensured we have had some contact.

ATM things are a bit better, but only because I accept (on the face of it) everything DiL says as 'fact' and act accordingly, even tho I know she is just being awkward, and even go OTT in my 'understanding' - eg DGD has a 'possible cold' so we can't see her - response to DiL 'oh my darling, how dreadful for you, can we get shopping/medicine/etc, I'll ring tomorrow to see how she is, do take care and look after yourself so you do not to catch it' etc etc - she then has nowhere to go as we have been so 'concerned' and 'helpful'!!!!!

At the same time I feel a little better that she has only won a small battle .......

As morethan says, it is about her need for power and attention.

Nothing worse than treading on egg shells around stroppy people, I personally won’t do it, it’s a form of control, so I will tactfully say how they make others feel. I have been so lucky with mine, but my close friend has been thro this with her DIL. Her son left once the kids were in their teens and admits now that he should have addressed his wife’s issues years ago. The teens are currently not speaking to my friend or their Dad, even tho they have admitted over the years just how difficult their Mum is. It’s basically getting to the bottom of what her problems/issues actually are. Good luck.

Sorry wait and see. Must check spelling.

When you say banned - did she really tell your family that you are banned ? You say that she was pleasant to you when you went round.

And what was your daughter hoping to achieve by "telling her off" - it does seem unlikely that your daughter could have thought that such behavior could be helpful. You DIL quite possible thinks you will behave in the same way so might quite sensibly be keeping clear.

You say it's been since Christmas - well that's just a couple of months ago.

Are you really sure that things are as you see them ?

Have you invited them round for something low key and low stress - Sunday tea maybe followed by a walk somewhere that's fun for the children. Something where it's clear that it's quick and light - not a full day.

Or suggest that you take the children out yourself ? Is there some sort of event when it could be fun for you to take them alone ? Or offer to have them for the weekend ?

I would wit and see. What about your son I know he has to live with her but can he not step in? I've had the same and it went on for a couple of years they were living together and then had children which gave her the upper hand. I stood my ground backed off a little and she soon realised it was her and her family missing out. We still see the children but don't get too close and I feel more in control and less stressed about the whole thing.

Make sure your son knows you are there for him, and that you look forward to whatever meet up can be arranged wherever he feels is best. We had the same, including my DD being the subject of the hostile behaviour as well as us. We stepped back from any relationship with DIL, which did allow us to maintain 6 monthly meet ups with DS and DGD, which we prompted in as unpushy way as we could. It was only when DS could admit there was a problem at his end that the massive amount of detail about the relationship with us came out. It is still unresolved but we have an overview now. Sometimes being the better person means being patient, even in the face of hostility or personality disorders.

hang in there- don't let her get away with it, and defintely talk to your son and say that you want to see your grandson.
Good luck.

Invite them round for tea as a family??

Can’t you talk to your son? Even if she doesn’t want to see you could he make it clear that he will continue to have contact and he won’t allow his child to be a pawn. She is using her child to hurt you . I think talking to your son is probably all you can do. The more you try to placate her the more power she thinks she has. Send a clear message that your door is always open and she’s welcome anytime but try not to go begging for contact. I know it’s difficult because begging is exactly what you want to do, but IMO it gives her what she wants power and attention.