Gransnet forums


Sheila Hancock stiry

(48 Posts)
CariGransnet (GNHQ) Sun 11-Mar-18 15:44:28

Not sure whether anyone saw this

I’ve been asked to chat about it tomorrow and would be very interested to see what people think about it!

hildajenniJ Sun 11-Mar-18 15:48:30

Sorry Cari the link doesn't work. Can you re do it please? I'd like to read it.

Marydoll Sun 11-Mar-18 15:54:52


I have nothing, but admiration for Sheila Hancock, as I too do not wish to be a burden on my family.

CariGransnet (GNHQ) Sun 11-Mar-18 15:55:49

Thank you Mary doll! And yes I think so too

Marydoll Sun 11-Mar-18 16:00:02

Having watched my mother devote most of her life looking after my much older father and then having done the same myself with my mother, I will do my upmost not to put my own children through that.

kittylester Sun 11-Mar-18 16:03:08

I think Sheila Hancock has the right idea but she will be able to afford to choose a nice home - not everyone is so lucky. I think I would rather pay for live in care.

Pittcity Sun 11-Mar-18 16:11:58

It's a great attitude to have if you have the means to adapt your house and pay for help or a chosen care home.

Eglantine21 Sun 11-Mar-18 16:12:58

When you can't take care of yourself it's too big a job for one or even two people to take on. You need a number of carers, in a residential home or in your own home, who can undertake the care needed in shifts, only doing as much as they can and getting the time for rest and a life of their own.

I wouldn't want my children to give up their health and happiness to look after me. I'm seeing too much of friends spending their retirement years caring for very elderly parents.

CariGransnet (GNHQ) Sun 11-Mar-18 16:14:13

That’s a good point kitty.

It’s interesting...there are some who feel that it’s a child's duty to care for elderly parents (“because we did the same when they were small”) but I don’t think that’s necessarily logical. You choose to have children knowing it will be your duty to care for them and bring them up.

But I know people in this position and hope I would never do that to my own daughter. You can love and care for someone without being their full-time carer. And hey, as we can’t retire til we are late 60s (& presumably this will keep creeping higher) there’s work to consider too.

But I agree that not having to worry about the finance side and being able to choose somewhere you’d be happy with is a good position to be in

CariGransnet (GNHQ) Sun 11-Mar-18 16:14:52

And apologies for the typo in the subject line...was in the car and we hit a bump (I wasn’t driving obviously!)

CariGransnet (GNHQ) Sun 11-Mar-18 16:17:39

Yes Eglantine that’s also a good point. Our hopes for our children. Health and happiness, whatever it is that brings them happiness. I would hate my daughter to have to give up her chosen path to look after me. I think I’d be far happier knowing she was living a fulfilled and fulfilling life (& busting me daily to feed me peanut butter chocolate of course grin)

CariGransnet (GNHQ) Sun 11-Mar-18 16:18:26

Busting???? I hate autocorrect. VISITING

kittylester Sun 11-Mar-18 16:18:38

DH says that he doesn't want to waste money on a home or for the children to have to look after him so he is going to commit suicide!

With 5 children I thought maybe he'd do a royal progress round them all!

Pittcity Sun 11-Mar-18 16:19:49

Just as our grandchildren need to start saving for a pension from birth they will need to save for care too. Many will not be able to afford to buy a house so won't even have that to sell!
We are all living longer and so the need for good care is growing.
Radical rethinking all round is needed.

kittylester Sun 11-Mar-18 16:22:25

Good post pittcity And, I'd add, joined up thinking.

kittylester Sun 11-Mar-18 16:23:01

Sorry, off the point cari! Are you sure you weren't driving? grin

Grannyknot Sun 11-Mar-18 16:54:03

Some thoughts: My MIL often used to say she didn't want to "be a burden". She had money. Then she got Alzheimer's in her mid 60s and when it became impossible for her to live on her own, one of her 5 daughters took her in and lovingly looked after her for 20 years without complaint (but eventually with round-the-clock help). That was ideal.

Ensuring that there is enough funds set aside to pay for the eventuality of a care home and the worry around achieving that is also "a burden"...

Luckygirl Sun 11-Mar-18 16:58:04

I absolutely agree with her - but not having her resources I doubt I can just choose somewhere now and expect them to open their doors to me at the point I decide I need their care.

I watch my DDs working their tripe out bringing up their lively children and holding down jobs and look forward to them having a peaceful retirement - that does not include looking after us.

Eloethan Sun 11-Mar-18 16:58:20

I don't think it is necessarily a child's duty to care for parents when they are old and infirm. If I had had a terrible childhood with parents who made my life a misery, I don't see why I should be expected to care for them in old age.

However, having had a fairly happy childhood and an OK relationship with my parents, I do thinkit's my duty to take at least some responsibility for their happiness and wellbeing. My mum and dad visited quite often and sometimes went on holiday with us. When dad died, mum came on holiday abroad with us for 7 years running. Now I visit my mum once a week even though it's a 3 hr journey each way and tiring. I do jobs around the house and do her laundry for her, and take her to hospital appointments.

However, I find my mum very difficult - always finding fault, never satisfied with things that I've organised for her, always niggling about something or other if we go out or go on holiday. When she stays over Christmas my nerves are in tatters by the time she leaves. Although I feel I should have her to live with us if her health and mental state deteriorated, I really don't think I could. I think it would either have to be the care home option or, as she has a reasonable amount of capital, pay for more support within the home.

If a parent is undemanding and fairly easygoing and there is a good parent/child relationship, I think a lot of adult children would be prepared to try out caring for him or her at home if at all possible. But I don't think it's reasonable to expect children to care for parents who have many physical needs - perhaps including incontinence - and difficult behaviour, maybe resulting from advancing dementia.

I think the Gordon Brown idea of making a one-off payment of, say, £10,000, which would cover your care home costs should it be necessary, is perhaps a good idea. If the payment can't be met during a person's lifetime it could be extracted from the estate after death. It would mean that some people would pay for care that they never needed or received, but my feeling is at least everybody would make a contribution and everybody would have the reassurance of knowing that, should they need residential care, they would receive it.

If I was as well off as Sheila Hancock I would have no qualms whatsoever in going into a care home. She can afford the best. As others have said, less expensive care homes are not necessarily very good.

cornergran Sun 11-Mar-18 17:03:11

Choice is important. Yes, good to make our preferred choices known to family while we can and then hope our financial positions supports our preferred route if needed. Our parents were adamant they would not wish to impose a burden of care, our attitude is the same. Interestingly a long term friend without children of her own is adamant that it is a child’s duty to put their parents needs before their own. Do genetics play a part? Our parents did not need residential or live in care, we are hoping for their robustness.

Iam64 Sun 11-Mar-18 17:03:25

Most of us would prefer to remain in our own homes with support bought in. If nursing care becomes necessary, it seems residential is currently the only way to go.
My mum in law needed nursing care during the final weeks of her life. We wanted her to come to us but she refused, which was wise. We couldn't have provided the round the clock care she needed but we could visit her daily. I wouldn't want my own children responsible for 24 hour care if (dread the thought) I ever needed it.

CariGransnet (GNHQ) Sun 11-Mar-18 17:06:27

So many excellent points.

I think if a child chooses to be a career that’s fine but if they feel obliged to (for any reason) not so much.

So true about the pensions/fees

And, of course, the relationship is crucial here too. If, in good times, you set each other’s nerves on edge, then it’s only going to get harder

Ps no I def wasn’t driving!!

harrigran Sun 11-Mar-18 17:07:57

I always hoped I would be able to stay at home and pay someone to care for me, not sure how well it would work. DH says when he becomes unable to manage he will just walk out somewhere and not come back, he does not want to be a burden to anyone.
Sheila is lucky that she can afford to be in the best of the best.

Eglantine21 Sun 11-Mar-18 17:21:34

It's not really whether it's a duty, a burden, loving care or whatever. It's whether it's possible.
Now that people are living to ninety and beyond the "children" are often in their seventies themselves. I went to a hundredth birthday recently. That lady has five children. The oldest is 82. All the others are in their 70s.
If anyone has ever had to care for someone 24hrs a day they will know the effect this has on the health of the carer. I have seen "children" dying before their elderly parents because of the strain that caring has caused.

Pittcity Sun 11-Mar-18 17:43:53

Can I say that not all cheaper care homes are awful. MIL was in a lovely council/NHS funded one and received excellent care.