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What would you do

(100 Posts)
ruthiek Tue 20-Mar-18 20:51:47

Please bear with me if I ramble but I would love to know what you all would do in my situation.
I am in my 60’s and until two years ago I had a very close friend of 10 years . We worked together and even went on holiday . She was like a sister . To cut a long story short I was bullied at work by a colleague over a number of years snd then 3 years ago I discovered my “friend” had been giving all my private stuff to the bully , I ended up having a heart attack and decided to leave work snd my friend behind.
A few months later I let her back into my life and tlshe betrayed my trust again . I cut her off completely and have taken the time to rebuild my life, including overcoming cancer ,albeit I don’t allow anyone to get close to me anymore.
On Saturday I received a text from this friend saying she missed me and was sorry , I ignored her ,she then sent her partner round asking if I would see her.
Part of me wants to ignore her, part of me wants to tell her how hirt I feel and yet I miss her as well although I could never trust her again . DH thinks I am mad to even consider it

silverlining48 Tue 20-Mar-18 21:04:51

I am inclined to agree with your husband. This is not a friend, and you deserve better. We all do. Trust is gone and unlikely to return. Sorry to say this but she will almost certainly let you down again. Concentrate on your husband, your health, family and other friends.
I am sorry you don’t let anyone get close now, while understandable, don’t let one person spoil new friendships, there are good and loyal people out there.

MissAdventure Tue 20-Mar-18 21:05:28

Do you feel strong enough to see her, emotionally?
Would you then feel strong enough to decide not to see her again if that was what you decided?
Would you be planning to discuss her betrayal of you, or do you think you could just put it behind you? (I couldn't!)
Does she expect that it will all be forgotten, and that you'll start again with a 'clean slate'?

merlotgran Tue 20-Mar-18 21:07:46

Your DH is right.

Two words....and the second one is Off.

minesaprosecco Tue 20-Mar-18 21:09:23

If it was me, I'd have nothing to do with her and just ignore any pleas on her behalf. I'm with your DH on this. Do you have other friends you can rely on? If so, you don't need her friendship. And even if you don't have other friends, you still don't need the aggravation of having someone in your life who you just can't trust. But only you can decide if the relationship can be mended.

SueDonim Tue 20-Mar-18 21:12:54

Your 'friend' has had two chances. Why would you give her a third chance?

You would be better off devoting your energies to making new, and kinder, friends. smile

Patsy70 Tue 20-Mar-18 21:14:45

She needs you, but you do not need her! Concentrate on your husband and the positives in your life. You do not deserve to be hurt again.

MissAdventure Tue 20-Mar-18 21:16:29

I think you probably miss the friend you thought she was, rather than the 'friend' she has proven herself to be.
Such a shame for you, but you'll probably come to realise that she is back in touch because of her needs, rather than any care about your wellbeing.

Deedaa Tue 20-Mar-18 21:24:49

I agree with MissAdventure you are missing the idea of her as a friend. Don't risk letting her back in, there are plenty of other people out there who don't come with any baggage.

Chewbacca Tue 20-Mar-18 21:48:11

If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't give her the time of day. She's betrayed you twice; been instrumental in your declining health and now she wants a third chance? What would be the point of seeing her and starting up the friendship again, OP? You'd never be able to share any confidences with her for fear that she would hurt you again. And instruct the cornerstone of friendship? Save yourself the worry and unease and do as Merlotgran suggests.

Chewbacca Tue 20-Mar-18 21:48:57

Isn't trust not instruct fhs blush

BlueBelle Tue 20-Mar-18 21:53:51

No, no, no, twice is enough, move on

SpringyChicken Tue 20-Mar-18 22:02:31

She isn't going to change her nature, you will never be able to trust her. Probably her conscience pricks her , she wants to patch things up so she can feel better about what she did. She isn't doing it for your benefit.

Mapleleaf Tue 20-Mar-18 22:07:39

I think your DH is right. She’s had a second chance and betrayed you again. I’m sorry but I don’t think she can be trusted and you will be hurt again. Let her go.

Bathsheba Tue 20-Mar-18 22:19:00

In the words of the song, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". And you're considering being fooled a third time? I'm absolutely with your DH here. There are plenty of people out there who could be a good friend to you. Why choose someone who has twice proved they are not worthy of your friendship?

You deserve better than this. You need to start believing that.

Cherrytree59 Tue 20-Mar-18 22:26:51

Hello ruthiek

Agree with all the above posters.

She was not your friend in the first place.
Friends do not betray or abuse trust.
So there is no friendship to continue or rekindle.

Think of your Dh
He must be so afraid that this person is at the very least going to you let you down and could cause you further emotional upset or ill health.

There is too much to risk
So for your own sake and the sake of your DH please do not give her he time of day

farview Tue 20-Mar-18 22:31:25

Betrayal does not go hand in hand with friendship..leave her behind..make new friends..you deserve to be good to yourself..she wasn't!!

Anniebach Tue 20-Mar-18 22:34:01

Are you not missing something which never existed? It wasn't a friendship ny love . If you wish you can write and tell her you forgive the hurt she has inflicted on you and this is where you wish to leave it. There are so many good people who you could form good friendships with, I wish you peace after all that hurt x

gummybears Tue 20-Mar-18 22:35:29

Time for the wisdom of Maya Angelou:

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

ruthiek Tue 20-Mar-18 23:22:53

thank you everyone, you have made me face reality, I am trying to recapture sonething that was really never there, it was one sided . I need peace and love in my life now.

MawBroon Tue 20-Mar-18 23:24:50

No way.
She’s had a second chance, which IMO she didn’t deserve, time to cut her loose.

ruthiek Wed 21-Mar-18 06:27:02

Oh Mawbrtom you always dispense common sense 😀

OldMeg Wed 21-Mar-18 06:49:18

Just a question....does your ‘friend’ know that you are aware of her betrayal? Did you tell her that you knew about it at the time?

Marydoll Wed 21-Mar-18 06:57:40

That lady is no friend. You don't betray friends in the way she did.
To do that once is awful, but to go back and do it again is unforgivable.
You will always be wondering if you can trust her.
I wonder if she too is ill and wanting to put her house in order. Why would she send her partner round to see you? It sounds as if there is more to it.
I would steer clear of her.

J52 Wed 21-Mar-18 07:56:33

Certainly not. You were generous enough to let her back in your life only for the same to happen again.
You deserve better friends than her.
There’s an old saying, not often used, ‘they’ll need me before I need them’.
Sadly this seems to be the case.
It’s never too late to make new, kind and trustworthy friends. Cast this bully aside.