Being FRIENDS - can you do it?

Both my daughters have been divorced, oldest one on way to second divorce, but we have all stayed friends with absent fathers/ex hubbies for the sake of the children. When they first split up, there was a degree of animosity on all of them, but we all decided to try and keep a bit of normality in the various relationships. We all speak to each other, ex inlaws speak to one another and grandkids are secure in the knowledge that they are loved by everyone. My hubby and I have even stopped for a cuppa with one ex son in law while dropping his boys off to him. I can now honestly say, two out of my three ex son in laws have been great fathers, but lousy husbands. The third was a waste of space, but his adult children do keep in touch with him and we all talk about him in a respectful way to them. Life is too short to be falling out with each other.

The father of my dd could drop off the edge of the world & I wouldn't care a jot! He definitely cheated on me at least once (I'm so happy I didn't marry him!!).
One of his gf i really liked. She was super intelligent and my dd liked her. Ive no idea how he pulled her... but im confident he was thete for money as he was a waster, who at one point lied about working to get out of paying child support! She came to me when she found he'd been cheating. I found it difficult to have sympathy tbh. The next one was bloody awful. She mentally abused my dd until I put a stop to it!! (When I found out!!) & as he was a weak lily livered alcohol riddled arse he stuck by her & not his dd!!??. That woman died of alcohol related complications. My dd wasn't upset by this & her father fell out with her.
I want nothing to do with him. He's never bothered with my dd or the dgc & still lives in a drunken stupor of lies and bull. I don't imagine any woman would find it attractive now do will never have to concern myself with him or a new woman ever again ?

Amazing life stories on here..

I wasn’t married but had spent 17 years with my ex partner, he was much younger than me and we have a 14 year old son. When we initially split up I was awful to him not for leaving but for the way he did it. Not long after he moved a girl in who is now his partner I was livid and spent about 18 months making his and her life hell and my own. Then I realised it was affecting our son and I totally turned it around and we sorted it out. Now three years down the line we are all genuine friends, have dinner together most weekends and I often go to see bands with my ex because his partner has very different music tastes than we do! I now see him leaving was the right thing to do for all of us. I have no partner but am happily living my own life. Our boy gets the best of both worlds and my ex’s partner is great with my son so yes I believe it can work but at first it isn’t easy but we all get on great now and life is far easier and pleasant!

A most definite no from me. My ex and his now wife had been having an affair for at least 5 years and had been fleecing the family home and finances under the justification he was working....I was the higher earner who left all the banking to him. So however sweet and wonderful this other woman may be they can enjoy their life together built on lies. I am well rid happily remarried.

My ex son in law was very dear to me, but since he cheated on my daughter I find it hard to look at him, I remain civil because of my grandchildrrn

I think it may depend on whether the new partner was instrumental in the breakup of your marriage or not.. My ex h cheated on me with a person called H then they broke up and after a time he moved in with another person A. I don't have problem with A and we are perfectly civil to each other. I do not get on well with my ex h and would never confide in him but when necessary we can be civil to one another as we share a grandchild.

I could never be 'friends' with me ex wife. She made my kids life hell, whenever my daughter, his only one, would phone and ask to speak to her dad, she would always ask who was calling! At one point she told me I would never get another penny maintenance for my youngest son as they now had a son who he needed to support.

Never spoke to my ex husband after he left for the local barmaid ......as she was expecting his twins ....and he informed me that he would not be seeing our daughter (age 6) as he 'now has a new family'.......I would take her to her grandma (ex mil) if I knew he was going as I thought she should still be in touch with him. Never paid maintenance (despite m y working in a solicitors and taking him to Court on a regular basis) had to taker daughter out of a lovely little private school, sell the house and move 200 miles away where we knew no one, so she could start over, like me (we took the National Express to London for her to see the ex grandparents a lot at weekends and school holidays ...they used to take her on holiday every summer which she loved !) her father meanwhile had no contact ....no birthday or Christmas cards ,,,,,nothing ! Although I was devastated at the time, and so sad for my daughter, I did manage to have a much better life without him ...he was a compulsive gambler who had a good job as a director of a Lloyds of London insurance brokers, earning a lot ....and gambling it all so that I had to pay the bills, school fees etc out of my salary....made my day when the woman he left for phoned me in my new house and said 'Why didn't you tell me he was a gambler'.........as they had had their house repossessed and were living, with their by now 4 children, in a b & b ........

Life is too short and gc too precious to spend time arguing or holding grievances. You only have to spend a minimal amount of time with your ex and new partner, surely people can behave like adults. Or so my thinking went (still does) however, my ex's new wife spent years undermining this and doing all she could to break our bd from her father. This didn't come to light until he was terminally ill and died when she even tried to ban her from the funeral. She's now seperated herself completely from our bd and the dgds who thought of her as nanny. What a waste of energy that could have been used more positively, what a loss to her and how hurtful for the bgds.

I was so glad to get rid of my first, so I would feel very sorry for anyone who came after me, so no problem there.

blue60 Your situation must have been so hard. At least my ex paid maintenance, and paid mortgage until my new husband bought him out. I'm not surprised you feel as you do.

I stayed friends with my ex, when he remarried, he, his wife and her kids and mine and my second husband invariably spent Christmas and Easter together. He always bought my daughter presents as well as our joint kids so she wasn't left out. Sadly his second wife died and he is now remarried and I am friends with his third too. As I am with his stepkids. No need for animosity on any side,

I did not, and never will, forgive my first husband. He left me with two young children, paid nothing to support them or help with the mortgage.

Although I was working full time, I struggled finacially as he left utility debts behind as well.

Child care costs and the mortgage took up most of my salary, and everything was cut to the minimum (I often didn't eat because I couldn't afford to).

The most despicable act was to lure my young daughter to live with them on false promises in order to claim what little money I had left toward her upkeep. I still had nothing in respect of my son.

My daughter and I have remained estranged through all of it, but I have learned to accept that we cannot have any form of relationship. And I don't want that now anyway.

I have now been happily married again for 21 years to a wonderful man. The ex is now on woman number 6 or 7 I believe, and the woman he left me for was also abandoned with three children. Forgive? Not even if hell freezes over!

Th original poster seemed to assume that wife 2 was the 'other woman'. As a wife 2 who had nothing to do with the break up (she was the one playing around) I have always been perfectly civil with wife 1, even though I know DH only put up with her presence at family dos. Strangely, now her husband 2 has moved on, wife 1 won't be in the same space as us, which causes problems for the children having to do double events.

sarahellenwhitney, you ask what led H wanting someone else. I don't know. Until it happened I thought we had a good marriage - I was obviously wrong. He was away on a year's university course when it happened, and she was on the same course. But I don't think our marriage was painted in a good light to her, otherwise I believe she would have kept away.

icanhandthemback, I'm sorry to hear how your parents and their new partners have allowed their feelings to make life so difficult for you and your family.

My ex was best man at our wedding husband gets on great with him

sarahellenwhitney, Granny3Rose and the rest of the adults were obviously able to put the children first. It is well documented that children are damaged by their parents' marriage breaking up but it can be reduced significantly if their parents can act decently towards one another. Being 'friends' with the other woman makes every "family" function much easier on those children and they don't get torn apart by loyalty concerns. Even after 53 years, my parents and their partners cannot forgive and forget nor do they wish to be in the same room as one another, ever. That has made life extremely difficult for me, my siblings and our children. How much does it really cost a person to be pleasant for the sake of their kids?

I get on OK with my ex-seperated 32 years ago but no-one else involved. He is on his 3rd wife now, the love of my life passed away 10 years ago after 16 wonderful years together. Ex has a daughter, slightly younger than our eldest grandchild, she has on occasions stayed at my house with our grandchildren. We exchange gifts at Christmas and they bought me an Easter Egg-can't think they've done that previously. Don't see much of him as he lives about 80 miles away. I suppose it all depends on circumstances, he left when our children were very young, had to have some sort of relationship because we had to see each other. I get on fantastically well with his other ex-wife, she hates him but he had an affair whilst with her, that i think would make things more difficult I suppose.

Granny3rose.
Were I in your shoes not have been so what I see as accommodating to the' other woman'.
What, I question, led H wanting some one else ?
The system concerning child support all those years ago may have been different to the present. That, I have no idea of. The fact he provided accommodation for you and his children was not generosity???? on his part but your rights to child support in what ever shape and form they came.
I have to admire your courage in letting this other woman into your life. You rather than me as I see a person who on knowing a guy had a wife and children should have said NO.
It is good to know you later found happiness. If your children want to see their father then that is up to them. However in no way would /could I be friends with and let this pair, that all those years ago without any thoughts and intentions other than for themselves, back into my life.

I have two close friends, one male one female who get on very well with their ex's, go on holiday, put them up when necessary etc. I often wonder why I don't want to have anything to do with mine when it must make the odd family occasion more difficult for my children.

I think it is because he was subtly quite controlling and critical and I was always trying to please him, and in the end, obviously failed because he left me after 34 years. I am not bitter, I don't think, but I just don't want to be that sort of person again.

His new lady had a breakdown after ten years and had the screaming abdabs in the loo of a leisure centre and the police had to break the door down to get her out. I just thought she has only had ten years and I managed 34!

Congratulations to all of you who have been so tolerant and forgiving in challenging circumstances. I haven't been tested in this way and am full of admiration for the way people cope.

One of my friends was introduced to her 2nd husband by his ex who had re-married and wanted him to be happy as well and another friend and her 2nd husband share a holiday husband'2 ex wife and her new husband who was a friend of the 1st husband! They are all very friendly and spend high days and holidays together. This is probably easier and more likely if there are children involved.

Not friends as such but pleasant at family gatherings

Yes. Me & my ex, his wife and my partner all meet up for things connected with our children and grandchildren. It was a long and bitter divorce, but that’s water under the bridge and life’s too short