Fear of rejection

I think it is so much easier asking/fighting for something on behalf of someone else. My first hubby had MS and I fought many a battle on his behalf for things I thought he deserved. I also worked with adults with LD and the elderly and again, thought nothing of asking for something on their behalf. But when I became ill and had to give up work, my confidence just flew out the door and I didn't have a clue. I always feel as though I am having to go, cap in hand, for anything I need to help me. It's as though we are always thinking, there are other folk worse off than us that could use this money/help, whatever. It's horrible, but you are not on your own. I can only suggest trying a bit of mindfulness, instead of thinking you may get a rebuff, try and think how you deserve whatever it is you need/want. Think that's how it's meant to work.

Maw - it will come back. I've been widowed twice, once in 1995 and again in 2015. I recognise what you say about fighting on behalf of your OH, but then being tentative and anxious about asking on one's own behalf. I'm three years on after my last bereavement and I'm regaining my confidence. It's slow, but one day you just realise you're your own person again. Good luck

Bluegal
If you are struggling with our Acronyms, they are all listed and explained at the top of this page!
My comment about reading through threads to discover who people are was placed because of the cold, unthinking and heartless way someone had asked "What is PAW'", when she's been around long enough to know.
Surely, some thought should be applied before a comment is posted, it was a very hurtful thing for MAW to read, and completely avoidable!

Hi all and especially Maw. Just wanted to add one practical point to the wide-ranging comments already posted. When things seem difficult/overwhelming (such as setting up a new social calendar for yourself in your new circumstances), it can be helpful to set a simple goal to work on rather than try to do too much at once. So e.g. You might set a goal of phoning one friend or acquaintance for a chat today. Or even every day this week. Then you can take things further e.g. Your goal might become one coffee date arranged by you - every week. I hope this helps. It really helped me post-surgery a couple of years ago when I was finding convalescence difficult (but my goals were different, e.g. a daily walk!). Wishing you well, please be kind to yourself and remember that your friends will want to support you, most people need to be needed (IMO!) ?

I’m wishing lots of love MawBroon to you. I do know how it feels to be alone and trying to deal with all of life and its adversities. Just one step at a time. It’s all we can do.

Sending a wave Maw - x

I have become much more confident with age, and even help people to ring around, in difficult situations, I ask if they can help me and usually receive a pleasant answer.
If I ring anyone, friends etc. I always ask if I am disturbing them doing something without sounding like a coward!
MAW your confidence will return, I wish I lived nearer, it would be lovely to be invited for a cup of tea and a chat. Sending hugs x

I have always been a cup half empty person and look on the negative side of everything (I'm a real barrel of laughs!). I quite often don't say anything as I'm afraid of putting my foot in it or asking things that are too personal.

Sometimes it is hard for people like me to offer help. Daft though it sounds I feel I might offend someone. maw I only know you from the pages of GN but you have always struck me as a kind person with a wonderful sense of humour. A very much loved wife and mother. I expect over the years you have done quite a lot of helping others. Perhaps it's time for you to ask for help yourself.

For all those who feel lonely or unwanted, I expect we have all at some point felt the same. Post a message on GN, there are many on here who only ever offer support. Find some strength here.

Mouth, even!

Not you!
The poster who asked “What is PAW....” is what upset me.
She is not new and it is an object lesson in at least skimming through a thread before opening her moth and putting both feet in it
?

I truly am sorry. I would never ever try to be hurtful to anyone. I was only saying that the person who questioned who PAW was was probably new and hadn’t related to MAW part of it. I wish you well MAW and understand your hurt but I can assure you I would never ever be knowingly hurtful to you or anyone for that matter.

Fair enough, found it insensitive though if not downright hurtful.

Oh well ... we aren’t all perfect ???

When a name is in bold, Bluegal it should be obvious that it is not an acronym. [confused ]

Ditto to most that has been said MAW. I do same myself too like always starting conversations saying “sorry to bother you” when am asking a plumber to sort my blocked drains for instance. It’s a basic flaw on my part as I hate asking for help. BUT I do it! Fear of rejection is part and parcel of my life and I’ve learnt to live with it!

BTW to previous poster I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to query acronyms. I have struggled with some on here too. ?

'Speaking' of being assertive, I have a request/comment.
Instead of posting asking other people to explain things to you, perhaps you could try reading back through the thread to discover these things for yourselves.
If you don't have time to do this, why would you assume that anyone else has time to answer your queries?
Sending some of my "zero to bitch in 0.01 seconds" your way Maw, I have plenty to spare! X

Oh Maw,
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My own DH is going through many health issues and I often ask myself ' how will I face the world on my own without my DH....the love of my life and the one person who always has my back?'
So, coming from me, the person who's never been there (and possibly has no clue) I can only say this:

From your charmingly witty, entertaining, wise posts, you already seem to have the tools you need at your disposal. Perhaps you've lost a little bit of courage. There is no shame in letting your guard down now and then or to put yourself out there, especially when you expect the worst. Lower your expectations and who knows? You may be pleasantly disappointed!

We Humans have a built in resilience that somehow gets us through the worst in life. You are still reeling from your loss however, and even the most resilient among us must often struggle to find a way forward.

So, here's to time....and may it heal your insecurities and help you find what you need to prevail in life.

Hugs, Willa

I haven't read all the posts so hope I'm not repeating what others have said. I think you are feeling very insecure after losing Paw you is how it manifests itself. Hopefully you will gradually feel more confident. I don't have any answers, sorry.

Paw was Maw's dearly beloved DH. Read up thread to see Maw's answer to that very same question asked just a short while ago.

Will,someone please tell me what PAW means?

Oh Maw - I opened my laptop this morning and thought, I'm going to write a post about asking for help....and there it was.
A few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with FBC (Fing Breast Cancer). I'm still waiting for the surgery which will be next Monday. In the meantime, my anxiety level is rising exponentially with every day that passes. I saw a therapist, and the one thing she said is "you have to learn to ask for help". I don't even do the "excuse me, if it's no bother, could you please.......?" I just try to do it myself. AND do for everyone else too. And it's not working for me anymore. So I have to practice the magic words "could you help me with ...." It is really really difficult. I have to keep on asking myself "what do you need?" and then find the person and the words to ask for help. I certainly have painted myself into a corner with stoicism ( and a fair dose of martyrdom, tbh).

I have never felt even remotely as good as other people. Sometimes life can get the better of us. I am fortunate that I still have my DH but have lost many, many people and had some awful things happen, as a lot of us have. I have coped and got on with it. A few months ago, I found myself in the GP's office, a quivering, tearful, shaking wreck over something quite trivial. We shouldn't beat ourselves up. It's not easy.

I'm very much the same. I never ask due to fear of rejection. I think it's because I've got a louder sibling who always 'commandeered' parents to go to hers for Christmas and my late DH had a louder brother who was exactly the same. Of course with them both having children they lived in bigger houses so they had the space. It can't help but make you feel a bit 'second best.'

I am so sorry to read your story Panache. It must be hard to stay objective when all of this has happened to you but try to remember none of this is your fault. You have not contributed to this in any way and it could have happened to any one of us. You are just unlucky to be born into the family you were I am afraid. Try not to allow your past to define your future and don't let it affect how you trust and treat others in the future. Not all people are like your family members.