Welcome to the new Argy Bar and cafe, abandon hope all ye who enter here.?

If you buy my drinks for a year I'll keep quiet

Oh dear! Caught out. I told Big Jim that I was visiting my old grannie.

I see all this sun is keeping the regulars away or is it my smelly wig? It is a bit high I admit. Btw Marydoll I saw you on the news in your very small bikini on the beach at Southend on bank holiday Monday , was that tattoo on your chest a picture of the Admiral??

I thought I was going deaf but keep finding nuts in my ears so you may be right Mary but it's been drinking the leaky cider pipe in the cellar so that's how it keeps so still

It can't be the pesky ferret, I fished it out of the outside lav, yesterday. I thought it was the loo brush?
We did have a pesky squirrel in the loft ?️ and it hasn't been seen for a few days.?

I often wondered why your wig had a tail and ears meno, now I know . How you trained that ferret to sit on your head like that is amazing.

Sorry about it’s pong, I gave it some pepperoni pizza at lunchtime and a few anchovies ( it seemed to enjoy them.)
Are you absolutely sure it’s a wig Meno .....could it really be one of the ferrets that we used to have running around The Argy a year ago? It may have gone feral living in the cellar.

Excuse me, my wig is a piece of art and if you just stop feeding it it wouldn't smell so bad.i have washed it and combed it tonight and it looks a treat, admittedly I've just dropped it down the toilet but with a quick few minutes in this spring sunshine it will be fine

Eee up Jane allow me to share your alchoholic experiments ???????

I wish Meno would wear her wig now and again, then we could stop buying tins of Whiskas for it.
It looks a dead ringer for a marmalade cat.

Time to weigh anchor then! All this talk of flogging cats has got me worried. Or have I got that wrong? I have been experimenting with my mojito recipe - it has taken half a bottle of rum and it still isn’t right. Hic.

Well, I’m certainly not hanging about waiting to be flogged around the fleet, if the Admiral so much as lays a cat’s whisker on me I shall punch him on the nose.

Nine tails? That cat needs all his nine lives, living as he does in The Argy! Wait, what am I saying, we don’t have a cat, it’s Meno’s ginger wig.?

It's Ok Meno, the cat was quite happy in among the rum. One of the bottles was leaking, so he was well hydrated.

Who did that to the cat? That's just mean

I've just found the Admiral's cat o' nine tails, hidden in a crate of navy rum. Line up me hearties, who is first in line?? He has pulled rank on the captain and will be in charge. Oooh er missus.?

Exactly

looks guilty. Shuffles off, staggering a little

What happened to the other half?

I still have a bottle and a half of port, will that do?

Marvellous

Have no fear, when the Admiral flogs, he is soooooooo gentle.?
He does like a woman with spirit, any spirit, rum, whisky, gin, vodka....

No, the Cap’n, although the Admiral gives private performances for those into (ahem) that kind of thing.

Is the Admiral doing the flogging?!

The hammock surely (for those below deck) but yes, break out the rum by all means and step lively or I shall show you the cat! (Your wig.)
I hope everybody realises that refusal to swab the Argy’s deck is a flogging offence?