I could do with some support

Lucky my heart goes out to you. Wish I had some answers

I can absolutely sympathise Luckygirl
It is hard enough sometimes to have enough mental stamina, cheerfulness and positivity for one, let alone for both of you.
No solution to offer other than keep up your music/choir and the things you enjoy. Delegate care to others in the family for a day out if you can. Never mind that you think DH would hate you to go out. With adequate provision, it is best for you.
My 4 days in Sweden last summer were a lifesaver Sis in law came to stay and all was well . However even a week later it would no longer have been possible, but it was like a shot in the arm to me.
When Paw was in hospital I took a day off to take DGS to the ballet in Birmingham, and again it was refreshing to be out of the hospital environment for a day. When I popped in to see him in the evening on my return I felt I genuinely had something to tell him.
With hindsight I know how necessary these respites were.
Yes I feel guilty now about how I sometimes “escaped”to Waitrose for an hour, but it was a long hard slog and in the same way that parents are told to use the oxygen masks on a plane first, you are no good to him if you crack up.
Wish I had an easy answer but you and Imknow there isn’t one.
But DO involve your grown up children, don’t shelter them from reality, they owe it to both of you.

Luckygirl do you have friends and family who could make sure that someone looks in everyday to make you coffee and sit down and have a chat on anything and everything, excpt your husband - or even sit with him while you go out.

I think people often forget how debilating caring for anyone can be for the carer. Have you contacted your local Carers Centre to see what they may have on offer. I know one that used to organise coffee mornings for caree and carer, which concentrated most of all on giving the carer a break.

mmm I guess you love him and care for him and its rotton that he's unwell. But he must accept some responsibility for how he is handling things.
Nobody likes to be ill or have to accept help but sadly thats how it is.
Is his GP any good? Can he or she offer help for anxiety?
Do you have any support and do you have some small things you enjoy?

I’m sorry to hear you are in this situation now Lucky but, if as you say you’re OH is not in a condition whereby he needs a carer is he capable of realising you have needs too?

It sounds to me as if you are yearning to get out and about more just to be you and do what suits your needs too especially if the situation at home is causing you to neglect doing something that will enable you to have a better coping mechanism when you need it.

Would discussing this with your OH make any difference or is it a case of no understanding of how this is affecting you?

Luckygirl this is so difficult Monica's advice about carers centre is a good one they do often have befriending schemes where a man or woman would come for a cup of tea a chat or a game of cards with your husband while you had an hour off maybe with a friend or just to sit in the park or anything Do you have children nearby to give an hour or two respite occasionally?

Have you got any family or friends who could be with your husband for a few hours, perhaps take him out or stay with him so that you can go out?

There is a nationwide company called Crossroads, who can sometimes help out - they employ carers (the people don't wear uniforms) who can visit once a week or more often, build up a rapport with you and your OH, and keep him company so that you can go shopping/meet friends/have your hair done/whatever you need.

I believe AgeUK also do a similar thing.

Is your OH on the correct medication for his anxiety?

Luckygirl I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling so low. I can’t add anything to what’s been said but you are in my thoughts.

I have so much really - DDs living nearby who understand - although I do not feel I can say how joyless it is to them; singers who come here and sing with me; and a weekly choral society.

The problem lies deeper really - I wake every morning to his litany of anxieties and sometimes I feel I could scream - every other sentence beings with "The problem is...." and sometimes I think I cannot listen to that phrase ever again.

I'm just letting off steam really.

So sorry luckygirl. Depression is hard to deal with in others as well as in ones self. No words of wisdom from me I'm afraid just a big hug and hope that things improve.

I remember saying to someone that depression is infectious ! I just got a funny look , it was when OHtold me to take the silly grin off my face that it dawned on me how he was pulling me down , so I took myself off to weed my plants and wept , but told myself to never give into him again , the silly grin was replaced by a blank look . I can' t drive but my sister started taking me out for lunch once a week and i got a bit of relief by her straight talking , you need to get out no matter how much he hates it , I now pay a sitter so I can go to Club and my painting class . I am afraid I bore everyone with my chatter but it is just letting off steam , I never talk about him if I can help it

It does sound as if you have got to the point where you need some help so you can carry on coping. Could your DDs pop in and sit with OH even for an hour chat to Dad and have a cup of tea. Take care

Sounds like life is real tough for you right now.

I don't know how you find the stamina to keep going. I have friends who've been in a similar situation and from what I saw there were times when it was difficult for them to keep going.

I guess you know those time only too well.

I respect anyone who can carry on caring in a very trying situation. So at the very least give yourself a big Well Done for getting through this far.

I don't have any suggestions to add to what folks here have already said but I really do hope you find some respite.

Wishing you all the best

luckgirl, I can’t give advice or help, wish I could X

Oh Luckygirl what a bloody awful situation. Nobody should be should be writing your post on a Saturday night.
You should be sitting with your husband waiting for the Eurovision Song Contest to start. I'm sorry for my black humour creeping in there, it always ones when I'm upset, it's my default position when something upsets me.
You don't deserve this, it's just so unfair.
You say your girls are not entirely aware of how bad it is. How are they going to feel when the medics are called for you? You must tell them everything.
I kept something from my daughter once. When I did breakdown she was absolutely furious that I hadn't told her.
They aren't children anymore. I like to think that your girls are mature enough to take on what you have to tell them.
Big big hug.

Thank you for your kind messages.

I guess that the girls probably do understand; I just do not spell it out to them how it drags me down.

What happened today was that I was running an arts festival all day - I left him during the morning with his alarm pendant, but the girls kindly picked him in the afternoon, brought him to the venue and sat with him and took care of him. It was a lovely uplifting day and I guess that was why it has hit a bit hard tonight - I was on a high, and I sat him in the car and he hardly mentioned the festival, just expressed his anxiety about the drive every minute of the way. It just felt like a lead cloud coming down.

I do know how very lucky I am to have family around and to have had the opportunity to be part of such a wonderful day; but today has brought the problem into focus - it is a blip - I will rise above this.

Luckygirl I hope with the advice and support from some trusty GNers you will have gained some extra oomph to face tomorrow and the coming days.

I wish I could add something other than to say I do understand how your positivity has been replaced with feelings of anxiety.

hoping you have a more manageable tomorrow.

I actually do not feel anxious myself - just sucked dry by my OH's anxiety. It is all-encompassing. He is on treatment for it, but there is a big organic element in it as his brain deteriorates and it is hard to treat.

You will rise above it Luckygirl instead of coming back to earth with a bump, try to stay “in the moment” to compartmentalise the good moments and the good days and save them to carry you through.
You could even switch off hearing all your OH’s moans and groans, just say “Yes dear” every so often. Try to be by yourself for stretches of time in the house-go into the garden for instance and potter.
I do empathise with you, but I also know it is a million times worse when he is gone for ever.

Oh Lucky what a rotten hand you seem to have been dealt just recently. I wish I had some answers, I really do. Maw has given some excellent advice - I do hope you can manage to follow it and find the positivity to sustain you through the tougher times.
You always come across as a very strong person on here, though I realise you probably don't always feel that way. Just try and be the person we all see, that strong person, and you will be able to keep going.

Oh how I empathise and know your situation, although mine is now so different.My H no longer can communicate on any level , he does not understand or can be understood.
I feel so lonely and sad.
The professionals I am dealing with have no comprehension of how how I feel, they are not emotionally involved.
I wish you some comfort in your life, we must take what we can out of what we have, by which I think I mean we still have them with us and hopefully memories of what we once had.
My sincere best wishes to you.

AnnSixty and Luckygirl
A year ago I felt like you, 7 months ago I felt like you.
6 months ago my world changed.
If you possibly can, look for a way forward so that you are not tempted to wish the strain and worries away. Like coping with pain, if you can “roll with it” by dint of some relief or stopgaps and somehow find some joy in the time you have left , you may be spared the guilt of looking back and wishing you had known how it eve n gets worse.

I found it hard enough caring for my parents, especially my father once Mum had gone into care and he deteriorated daily, but did share the burden with my husband so to have the care so close to home must be unbearable at times. I don't think there are any answers other than those given above - to try to get out alone whenever you can even if it's only a walk to the shops to clear your head. You have my sympathies - I hope you find some extra support as time goes on.

luckygirl, reading Petra’s reply reminded me, i once had a recall following a mammogram, didn’t tell my daughters do as not to worry them, had to go fifty miles to the breast clinic, someone from home saw me, daughters were furious, one even raised her voice to me , they said I had lied to them, and how could they trust me again, they wanted to go through the worry with me. Tell your daughters how stressed you are please my love