Expectation that I will always pay

Difficult situation but I'd probably start dropping hints about how many expenses you've had just lately and are having to economise. When the next meeting is suggested try saying why don't we bring food and stay home to eat - that breaks the habit of you paying all the time. Definitely do not remortgage to give them money - asking you to do that is a step too far!

We generally go to visit our son and usually end up going out to eat but both he and my husband split the bill most of the time - sometimes one or other will insist on paying the lot.

Once we were fairly confident that both sons were financially on firm ground, we did as has been suggested further up this thread, and offered to go halves or occasionally pay for our own share of the bill. They then realise you are not intending to pay their whack indefinitely.

Why not suggest a picnic, you could offer to provide a quiche and salad dish and they a dessert, after all, they would have to eat if they were at home.

Totally agree with Eloethan

We pay for all family meals out but if they have suggested the venue they usually offer to pay, not that we let them. I am keeping them sweet I may need them to fetch my shopping when I get ga ga

Thanks everyone for your useful and considered advice! To give you more info - they won’t come to use, me and my husband always travel to them - they claim they can’t afford the travel costs. I should also tell you they are terrible money managers and have no idea of the value of things - the money they do spend is extravagance I.e, top photography session of DGS, fancy restaurants and snazzy gym memberships. Myself, husband and DD never -and I mean NEVER get so much as a card for our special occasions -recently birthday, wedding anniversary and Mother’s Day. I am just over it and have reached my limit. Thanks again everyone - I am going to follow your advice

Dear Emm, as has been said above + Boundaries, Emm +

Absolutely right silverdarlings - I have been so bad at managing these which is why I’m in the situation now. Thank you

I think you had already made your mind up before posting
Emm?and just want confirmation that you are right
But just to add as YOU visit them, why go so regularly and spend as much as you want as it’s your treat make it coffee and cake instead of full blown lunch be first in line pick your coffee and cake and sit down quickly or hand them a tenner before you go to the counter ( or whatever you can afford) and say I ll have coffee and a slice of that ta
They sound well tied up in the life style they have chosen and that’s as it should be but they can’t come to you if it all goes pearshape
You don’t mention what your husband thinks

You have set a habit that they have now grown to expect and changing that habit is hard but as you do all the running , run as little or as much as you both want

This is your own son and his wife. It sounds as if you have some resentment against them (her?). You don't approve of how they spend their money and don't feel you are getting anything back, ie cards etc. Sadly many younger people don't bother sending cards so much now.

If it was me and I could easily afford it, I'd probably carry on treating them once a month anyway, just for the pleasure of being generous when you can, and having a lovely family time. My Dad used to treat us all, and I know he got pleasure from doing it.

If you can't afford it, you do need to tell them, or they won't know.

As it's annoying you, I think Bluebelles' suggestions are good, or meeting at theirs sometimes, and bringing a few nice treats with you.

Seacliff my dad was just the same used to loved taking four of us out for lunch and although he wasn’t very well off he didn’t spend his money on much except us (after mum had to go into residential) so he would never take a penny even though we always offered Now I find I m following exactly in his footsteps and get most of my pleasure out of buying or taking the family out to lunch or treats more than anything
But if Emm has had enough she needs to change it before the resentment gets full on

Whatever you decide regarding the treats and paying for lunch every single time, Emm, do not remortgage your home. Please, just don’t do that!

I did this with my son as he was on his own bought lots of stuff for flat etc did shopping for him and now two years later still happens can't break then pattern but will have to back off one day.

Walk behind them in the queue or use the loos first . Maybe say ...could you just get me a coffee and any cake please . Leave your handbag in the car ...by accident ...difficult one .

If you are only giving to get something in return then it is not a gift with love, it is setting up a debt. Is that how you feel?

Before accompanying them to their next dinner ask ahead “whose treat?”

Then make it clear that it’s not your turn for the next year or so.

They may plead poverty, in which case you all agree thedish and then to buy the ingredients to cook and eat at home.

Only you can help them to grow up and let go of those apron strings.

When another dinner/cafe visit is being arranged, say that you're all cashed out and 'You'll have to bring your wallet as I'm on a tight budget, no spare cash'. Soften it with a little laugh. Don't take your purse out of your bag, get in the queue first and order then sit down.
If they are strapped for cash, why did they have a child? It's certainly not fair or proper for you to continually fork out for their dining-out experiences. Whatever awkwardness you may feel, do not continue funding their lifestyle.

Harris27
Make today that 'one day' you talk of.
The street of tomorrow leads to the house of never.

With this scenario, I would tell them that i have to start economising for some reason, and as others have said, take treats instead of eating out. I personally would need to know for myself, if the they are treating me, as DIL does her own family, being nice for inheritance purposes ! It’s also always very galling when people who allege to have money issues, are in that predicament because they are extravagant with unnecessary purchases. By helping them continuously with money is enabling them to continue to be irresponsible. Spend your money and enjoy your life with your DH, let them learn the hard way if needs be, like everyone else has to.

A difficult one - our offspring do seem to take things for granted if that is the way it has always been, but good advice here to offer to go halves. That's a gentle way of pointing out that you are not the family ATM.

We have had this a few times - we just say beforehand - 'Sorry - can't afford to treat you today - you'll have to buy your own'. They either do, or we choose to do something else. No bad feelings.

Separate bills from now

You say they go to fancy restaurants so they obviously know the price of eating out and can afford to when you are not there

To LJP1: it is not giving to get, Emm14 just wants to be acknowledged as an important and loved person in their lives. If you never receive so much as a card (or phone call) on special occasions, it is easy to come to the conclusion that you are nothing more to them than the bank of Mum and Dad and a potential inheritance. That is not how anyone wants to be treated.

I have, due to ill health, lived on a restricted budget. My D & SIL are also on a restricted income so when we meet its usually 'pay your own' unless it's birthdays or Christmas which are carefully budgeted for.
There is one week in every couple of months when my Ds budget doesn't stretch and I'll lend until pay day, ( when bills going out don't coincide with money coming in!), usually 2 days later. Equally my D will do the same for me.
It's a practise we've used since she left home and it works for us. It does mean that we have a working knowledge of each others finances and trust each other with that and our bank details.
This might be a step too far for the OP but honesty works best in these situations.
A case of, - "I'm sorry but money is tight this week', 'I've got a major bill going out this week so do you you think we could eat at home, I'll bring ......."
This last works with my sister and her husband when they invite themselves to Sunday lunch.