Do you know anyone like this?

You say

"I now believe she sometimes does it purpose to wind us up"

"It really did become on the edge of unbearable for the rest of us, and wonder if it may be something pathological psychological

"We sometimes try to make a joke of it but she gets in a huff and thinks we're picking on her, and then does it even more, as if she gets some kind of weird pleasure out of it

Yes I think you are right in that highlighted sentence. And I think its very complex, and no easy answers.

It's the difficulty in managing not only silence - big time - and insisting everything must be "her-related".

I just googled

what is psychologically going on when someone gets pleasure by winding other people up and cannot tolerate silence

It comes up with a number of really insightful points...

I think it may need a group discussion? See what you think.

The thought that arises in my mind is that it might be the slow development of some form of mental illness.

I suggest you follow this link and possible google further
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logorrhea

Has anyone taken her to one side and pointed out firmly how annoying her actions are becoming to the whole group and suggest she stops and thinks before interrupting conversations. Also its very rude and unacceptable to snatch a phone from someone who is not handing it to you.
A bit of blunt tough love is probably the only way to solve it or don't invite her anymore.

Wyllow3

You say

"I now believe she sometimes does it purpose to wind us up"

"It really did become on the edge of unbearable for the rest of us, and wonder if it may be something pathological psychological

"We sometimes try to make a joke of it but she gets in a huff and thinks we're picking on her, and then does it even more, as if she gets some kind of weird pleasure out of it

Yes I think you are right in that highlighted sentence. And I think its very complex, and no easy answers.

It's the difficulty in managing not only silence - big time - and insisting everything must be "her-related".

I just googled

what is psychologically going on when someone gets pleasure by winding other people up and cannot tolerate silence

It comes up with a number of really insightful points...

I think it may need a group discussion? See what you think.

I did almost Google it, but then thought I would come here first, because I thought that some people may find this quite 'normal.' It isn't a new thing with her but is getting progressively worse, which is making us comment on it more and wondering what we can do.
We all care about her but really don't know how to help.
I did joke that she needs to go on a kind of silent retreat where she isn't allowed to talk for a few days- but it was only a joke and I didn't say it to her.
I genuinely feel she can't allow the silence in, which is very sad. She must be exhausted by it.

M0nica

The thought that arises in my mind is that it might be the slow development of some form of mental illness.

I suggest you follow this link and possible google further
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logorrhea

Thanks Monica- this was very interesting. She is more like the 'comb' person in that she can't just answer a question without embellishing it with detail that doesn't matter.
Sometimes I will say, 'thanks- you have answered the question and that's all I wanted,' but she will still go on, as if she hasn't heard me,
She doesn't make up words as in the second example. I do worry that she had some facial surgery a few years ago and maybe this has affected her nervous system/brain in some way? In which case maybe there isn't much to be done, but it does give a different perspective.

Is her home life happy?
I doubt someone would want to wind up a whole group of friends, as ultimately she could end up excluded.
Nothing much to gain out of that, I'd say.

rosie1959

Has anyone taken her to one side and pointed out firmly how annoying her actions are becoming to the whole group and suggest she stops and thinks before interrupting conversations. Also its very rude and unacceptable to snatch a phone from someone who is not handing it to you.
A bit of blunt tough love is probably the only way to solve it or don't invite her anymore.

We try the tough love but she responds in a hostile way. We don't want to upset her.
There is no way we could leave her out, that would be too hurtful.
At times we would all just leave the room and let her be quiet by herself for a while but I don't know if this may have been sending the wrong message.
I am wondering if there maybe a kind of 'silence therapy' we could suggest, which would get her used to just being quiet for a time. I really don't know.

I think it's some kind of deep seated insecurity on her part.

I couldn’t bear to go on holiday with a group of relatives or friends. Everyone I know would drive me potty after a while even though I actually love them dearly. Probably best not to carry on as why spend good money if you’re being driven mad.

The trouble with silence if there are a lot of troubles inside her head waiting to pop out of she lets go into silence, is that it becomes unbearable, so she fills it with noise.

People can support each other to cope with that - if its admitted.

The trouble with that in your friends case is that not only does she fill part of that silence with self centred attention neediness - but she seems,

From what you say,

To partly fill those painful inside gaps by winding others up to create mini dramas.

But if its possible that she can understand her fear of silence with help then the "winding up" may shrink?

A neighbour just the same, now everyone avoids.

Have a look at HPD. Histrionic Personality Disorder.
There are a lot of similarities with your relative.

I have one like it, but we kind of fell out, and I couldn't be more content.
She did buy me an icecream last weekend though; trying to get in my good books, I suspect

I think the way forward is to contact her friends, some of whom I might bump into occasionally. I think then I can find out how she is with others or if this is just a family thing.
To respond to some comments:
Yes, her home life is deeply unhappy and stressful. She has often spoken of leaving her DH but so far has not done so, I suspect mainly for financial reasons.
Yes, there is also an insecurity there as she is constantly comparing herself to others, particularly those to whom she 'looks up' to.
I do think she is afraid of silence, and of maybe confronting the reality of her life when she is often governed by other people's standards.
I shall look up Histrionic PD- thanks.

It isn't Histrionic PD.

Can’t be me mum as she hasn’t been away with any female relatives.
Seriously though, could she have suffered from a bereavement, start of dementia, MH?
Since my dads passing, my mum never draws a breath.
Even if we are sat watching tv I get a running commentary.
Maybe she’s lonely. Maybe your friend is lonely.

I am sure she is very lonely- she has had a tough few years and maybe just isn't coping too well.
She gets no support from her own family, it could be the start of dementia which would be very sad.
I wish she would open up really- she keeps a lot in beneath the trivia, maybe a cover-up? The more I think about it the sadder it makes me.

I think loneliness would contribute to this,too. Just on a personal note, when my Dad came over to Australia after my Mum died he knew no one. He wouldn’t stop talking the minute he was with anyone, us included. After a while he got better as he grew more comfortable with his new country and a few new friends. He was 80 years old and really hadn’t been like that before.
I also have a friend like this who has been a very active member of the community ( ex teacher) but now she speaks loudly, interrupts and ,well, just craps on. Loudly. Not quite dementia but I think she is a bit deaf and used to dealing with many people but now lives alone with her husband. I love her dearly so I just keep quiet and let her go .

Maybe she is on certain meds that make her overly high and chatty and singing. Maybe she was raised in a competetive family. Maybe she was always told she is no good. Too many things. She should try a Quaker Friends Meeting. One hour of silence. Takes a lot of practice.

This sounds like a condition to me. Has she always been like that? I watched a video of a lady the other day who was diagnosed at 60 with ADHD and she realised then why she never stopped talking or her mind would jump from one thing to another. For me, and I state for me, when I was young I would have been severely irritated by someone like this but now that I am old I feel that people like the OP's relative, don't want to be left with their own silence so need a radio, music, the sound of their own voice to fill the silent void.

My great friend/old neighbour is very similar.

I’ve known her for over 50 years and she’s always been the same. Loves an audience and tells the same old stories over and over.

If there’s someone new to the group, she’s over the moon.
It can become waring but we all put up with it because she’s a very good friend.

Another lady who comes to our Bridge club, hums continually .
It’s like having a bumble bee in the room and is very distracting. She was on our table for afternoon tea last week and still the humming continued. She’s a nervy lady but very sweet. No one has said anything to her for fear of upsetting her.

Some one like this will not talk about it because they have no self-awareness of the problem and will not 'hear' anything if someone close tries to talk to them about it.

It can be associated with demenia but if her home life is very stressful this can be symptom of mental breakdown.

I think all you can do is be kind and tender to her and accept what she does is a symptom of illness, that is probaably beyond her control.

Ever thought she might have tinnitus? And can’t bear the silence around her because all she’d otherwise hear is whistling and noise in her ears?

Or undiagnosed ADHD? Which would explain her behaviour to a point.

I have recently been diagnosed with both aged 59. It’s difficult to explain tinnitus if you’ve not experienced it. But the silence - as right now - is deafening. Because it’s not silent at all, but noise drowns it all out for a while.

Or maybe lonely and craving the attention of her friends

Mental health issues ..