Christmas! AIBU?

You don’t say how close you live to each other and whether or not staying over is involved.
Oh the emotions baggage connected with Christmas. Why do we put ourselves through it?
I could live happily with them alternating between us and their in-laws although with 3 the logistics get complicated. For a big family “bash” Boxing Day is the easier option. When ours were small I used to stick to the principle that children should open their stockings in their own home too.
Now that I am on my own it remains to be seen whether I will be as reasonable, but Christmas Day with one of my 3 DDs and seeing everybody on Boxing Day should be OK for me.

“Emotional baggage” not “emotions”.

I know how nice it is to remember the Christmases we had with our children but that is in the past and I suspect that to try to have a nostalgic Christmas would not work and you would end up feeling sad.

The reason I say this is, firstly you want your DGC present as well - and they were not around when their parents were small and that immediately completely changes the day so that it will not be a recreation of Christmases of yore. The relationship between children as adults is different to the way it was when they were children, especially if their children are present and most importantly they will not have any interest in being constantly nostalgic about Christmas as children.

You would end the day feeling that it hadn't gone the way you planned and you hadn't achieved what you had hoped for and no-one else other than you had noticed. It could make you feel very isolated and lonely even though with your family.

Can you not just invite them all for the day and offer to cook Christmas dinner Tuppence?

Worth a try perhaps. Say you’d love to have them all together just this once. Best get in early though.

Tuppence = lifes too short to worry about Christmas, just go with the flow.

Oh no not Christmas! the biggest anti family time of the year The time the suicide and divorce rate goes up ???
I totally agree with Billybob wait and see and go with the whatever’s

We’ve had 3 Christmas days with our daughter and her family since she married 20 years ago. We have seen them on Boxing Day a few times, but we’ve had ‘Christmas Day’ at New Year, before Christmas and after Christmas, one year we had it in November!
It’s just a day, you’ll never be able to recreate the Christmas’s of long ago.
Try to get a day with your children at other times, they want to be with their own children on the day, as it’s as special to them as it was for you. I hope you aren’t just sitting there waiting for them to show up, do something special instead, like go away for a holiday.

Once I was married - i never had Christmas Day with my parents again! it was a source of great sadness to me. MIL used to throw an absolute hissyfit if she didn't get Christmas. DH is an only child, and my own DM used to support her, as she was the absolute soul of kindness! MIL used to say that my mum ohad other children where as she only had one. However - I only had one set of parents! It grated on me for years. My DD is now in a similar position. SIL is an only child. We have dealt with this alteranting hostind between houses, but always including her in the invites. Even my two other children comply with this! However - MIL and DD's MIL clash! Very similar personalities! It causes a great deal of entertainment watching the Divas spar. DS and his DGF spend alternate years with us, and we are happy with that. If it was the case that they all did that then I would try and synq up so that we were all together one year and on our own the next.

Christmas can be so stressful and raises so many emotions I find it best to go with the flow. I make a suggestions or two and if they are not picked up I dont make any comment. Wherever our Christmas is I try to make the best of it - its everyones Christmas not just mine.

I think our expectations of Christmas along with holidays are often unrealistic. We all do our own thing now and if that includes meeting up its a bonus. My husband and I quite enjoy a Christmas on our own, eating food of our choice and relaxing with favourite TV programmes and new books. It's far too early to start stressing about this now, enjoy the summer.

I really sympathise with you. We had stressful Christmases sometimes as my ex husband was an only child and my MIL was a sulky woman who thought Christmas should evolve around her . Nowadays I know I am very lucky as I live so close to my children and we all spend Christmas together planning the expense fairly and they spend New Year with me at my flat. I get to see my grandchildren open their presents and we have a fab day, it's planned minutely especially by DD2 who is a it OCD in a manageable way, DD1 and I laugh at her sometimes but she definitely gets things done and can find the best deal for everything ! We have family traditions we follow and the same friends etc always come to visit at some point. We do go a bit over the top in celebrating I guess but that's my fault really as I always did the same in their childhood and that's what they are used to . As I said I know I'm very lucky . If you want to change things this year I would say talk early and be as flexible as possible so it's hard for people to say no hopefully. I hope you get what you want.

Bit not it

Not quite sure Tuppence what everyone spending the day with you would involve.

If it means leaving their own homes to stay with you I don’t agree. I really, really think children want to stay at their own home on Christmas Day and that this is the time for your children to be making those family memories that you treasure.

If they live close by, then it’s not unreasonable to want them to come over, all together for once, for Christmas Dinner or Christmas Lunch, however you do it. Not the who,e day though. The GC won’t thank you for taking them away from their new toys!

Once we had children the grandparents came to us, if they weren’t with another member of the family. We had the big family do somewhere in Twixmas.

We always did Christmas dinner for all the family 16 or 18 of us ,until my first GC was 2 then my daughter took over and she does it.Open house for anyone with no where to go and there are us and her PIL ,her bother and his family and her friends who are recently seperated and people who live alone .Last year she had 26.Its a lot but she loves it ,like I did .
Its better for the wee ones to have the day at home ,my GD has the morning at her mothers to open her presents ,dad goes along at 6am to watch ...then after lunch he collects her and brings her to Aunties where all her dads family are .It works for her as she's a daddy's girl but if she 'd rather stay at home we'd have to problems with it

* I would dearly love to have the big day with them both and share some of the happy times we used to have. *

But you can't share the happy times you used to have - as much as you want to. Life has moved on , and we have to take our places on the periphery of our children's lives. Trying to recreate the past is a folly, and you'd be disappointed , even if you could arrange it.

I also have intensely happy memories of Christmases with my children when they were young, but now they have children of their own. Christmas is for them - not for us to try to go back in time.

You see them on Boxing Day - so surely that is enough. I'm happy to see mine at any time during the festive season, and am OK to fit in with their plans. Making a big thing of "the day" is never going to work . Stay happy and don't stress about one day of the year.

As you have always been so reasonable about fitting in with their plans maybe they do not know how much it means to you. Tell them how you really feel, good luck.

I hate those Christmas ads with 'all the family' tucking into endless turkey, tinsel, presents, etc. We always spend the day on our own because both DSs spend it with their in laws. This year, I've asked to spend the day with one of them. We don't mind which one. I explained that we don't mind spending some Christmases alone but would like to be included sometimes. Why they can't alternate, I don't know. Sorry, it's sons again.....

Stella1949 well said, my thoughts too.

Thank you for all your (usual) common sense! I may not have put it as well as I could . We get on very well (mostly!?) it was just that they go to the in laws every year and just once I would like them all together with us. I was just feeling needy and down!

Tuppence21

My lot descend on us every year. We love having them and my wife enjoys cooking for them. I have to do the washing up, but a few glasses of the amber nectar helps with this. After lunch, we normally have a doze, quite a long doze! We then play silly games like charades. It is a wonderful time to get together and show how much we love and appreciate each other. You need to put your foot down and tell them that you will be hosting Christmas this year and that they are all invited. Don't worry about room. When we were younger we would have14 people staying in a three bed semi. We fitted everybody in, including the Labrador, She loved Christmas, surprising how much food fell on the floor.

Same here, Tuppence.

Vivian, do you have sons or daughters? And are their in laws invited? Just interested.

Yes, I just wondered too Blinko. And the one or two others who say they host every year.

It must mean that the other side of the family never do.

I issue an invitation to lunch/to spend the day to both my children, with the clear proviso that I won’t be at all offended if they do something else, or in my son’s case literally just eat and go, as he lives alone, and may choose to socialise (with friends who are also single) later in the afternoon.

Obviously it’s great when they do come, which my daughter always has (her in-laws are not local, and don’t really celebrate Christmas anyway), but my son sometimes comes Christmas Eve instead, or Boxing Day. I think you have to go with the flow, as others have said. After all, it isn’t just your day.

As you said "We" then you clearly have one person to share the day with. It is just not worth the emotional anguish, though I can see that for anyone having to spend the day alone, then being included with the wider family is important. Last year we accepted being two of us, and as I am not into roast dinners we went for a special Christmas lunch menu at an Indian restaurant we hadn't been to before. I assure if I was alone at Christmas then my wider family would make sure I wasn't going to be on Christmas Day.