To those suggesting that Greeneyes has an adult discussion with her daughter, or challenge any rudeness, be aware that many millennials (for want of a better description) won’t accept an adult conversation of this kind. I am an assertive (not aggressive person) and in conflict, my approach (e.g. with my hubby) would be to let the dust settle, find a quiet, calm time and suggest a discussion about the conflict. Yet, I can’t do this with one of my daughters. Like the OP’s daughter, mine is self obsessed and arrogant. Even simply gently trying to suggest we had a misunderstanding, or to tell her about my feelings, let alone challenge her behaviour, leads to her lecturing and ‘gaslighting’ me.
My mood is also low (for a couple of weeks in my case) after a visit with my daughter (she lives some distance away). My husband (not her father) has bitten his tongue for 10 years (he has witnessed my daughter’s behaviour towards me). However, after my last visit to her, he said “I don't want to speak out of turn, but this is clearly not good for you. I think you should back off and just respond to her when she contacts”. I should say that this daughter only really contacts me when she wants something from me. That might be advice or for me to do something practical and by ‘back off’, he meant not be the one contacting her or suggesting a visit and just let her lead the contact. Left to her, it is many months at a time without even a text. I wonder if it would run into a year or more if I didn’t contact her, and yes, I have tried contacting her weekly or monthly, it makes no difference. I discussed how I felt and hubby’s advice with my other daughter and she concurred. It felt right to me, so I have done this for the last several months and although I miss the little girl she used to be, and feel upset at the loss of closeness, I don’t miss the woman she has become, and I accept the reality of the situation much better now.
I wish I could say something comforting to you Greeneyes, but your situation is all the tougher due to your close relationship with your granson. I hope you find a way through. I also have a grandson (6 months old) with that daughter, but, since they don’t live near and my daughter never brings him to us, I haven’t seen him enough to become close to him. It makes me very sad that I won’t be building a strong relationship with him, but I guess that is easier for me than your situation.