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Disrespectful Daughter

(49 Posts)
greeneyes57 Tue 07-Aug-18 12:36:59

Hi everyone. I have a gorgeous 5 yr old grandson that I looked after twice a week since he was 7 month old. I now see him once a fortnight. My adult daughter is often rude and disrespectful to me and has called me terrible names in the past. Every time I visit grandson and see my daughter I end up down and upset. I feel she doesn't like me. Any advice would be great. Thanks.

paddyann Tue 07-Aug-18 13:17:21

Do you know why she's disrespectful? Then speak to her about it ,unless you can talk you will never get it sorted.
I will say that respect has to be earned my opinion .So because you helped with childcare doesn't give you automatic respect f there are other areas of her life where she thinks you interfere without being asked ..for instance.Only she will be able to enlighten you

Nanny27 Tue 07-Aug-18 13:27:19

I agree with paddyann to a degree, however I would always, always show respect to my mother because, well because she is my mother.

FlexibleFriend Tue 07-Aug-18 13:35:34

There's not enough information, you don't say what's changed or why you now see him once a fortnight. Why is she being rude and calling you names? Is it in response to something you're saying or doing?
Why do you say you visit your grandson, do you not visit your daughter is she just a means to you seeing him?
Why don't you try visiting your daughter and talking to her, find out what's bugging her. Sorry can't help without more to go on.

Poppyred Tue 07-Aug-18 13:40:14

Is there a reason why your daughter does not show you respect? Something that happened in the past? If you have always been a good mother (what’s a good mother??), done your best for her then it’s her problem and you may need to bite your tongue if you want to continue having a relationship with your grandson. Not fair I know.

greeneyes57 Tue 07-Aug-18 13:45:06

I see him once a fortnight as his father has him one week and she has him one week. My daughter never contacts us between visits she is very self absorbed. Never asks how we are. Only talks about herself. She has always been this way. I thought or hoped that at 35 things would be better for us.

stella1949 Tue 07-Aug-18 13:46:55

You don't give much information . But I'm guessing that you looked after him when he was little - and now he is at school so of course everything changes. At 5 he is not a baby any longer - he probably has outside activities and little friends now. As a grandmother you have to accept that he isn't "yours" any more, he is growing up and now you just see him when it is convenient to your daughter . Which is how it should be.

Like the others I find it odd that you say you visit him, rather than saying that you visit your daughter. It seems as though there is more to this story which you haven't clarified.

I can only say that a visit to your daughter is in order - not when your grandson is there. Ask her how things are going - show interest in her life. Maybe her disrespect comes from feeling that you are only interested in her son and not her. Good luck.

Poppyred Tue 07-Aug-18 13:48:05

Sad greeneyes but no guarantee that we will like the humans that we create. Make the most of your time with your grandson. Xx

greeneyes57 Tue 07-Aug-18 13:55:35

I offered many times to have lunch with just my daughter but she is always to busy. I am not an interfering mother I have always been there for heremotionally and financially . Guess we just don't gel as she is always criticising what I say and do. I feel like the child.

FlexibleFriend Tue 07-Aug-18 13:56:27

Does your daughter work or is she a full time mum? So her and his Dad live seperately. I guess she's trying to make a new life for herself without relying too much on you. Seeing your grandson once a fortnight isn't so bad unless it's for half an hour, lots of people see the grandchildren far less.

greeneyes57 Tue 07-Aug-18 14:21:16

She works during school hours. Has a Wondeful new partner . lovely home great friends. So even her father doesn't understand why she treats me so badly.

OldMeg Tue 07-Aug-18 14:22:37

I think it’s the daughters attitude that’s bothering the OP.

Re her criticising what you say....say less. I found that worked. Don’t even get to build a meaningful relationship, it’s not going to happen. Just say as little as you can get away with and keep to mundane topics.

Re her criticising what you do. Do you mean how you act at her house or in life in general?

OldMeg Tue 07-Aug-18 14:23:15

Don’t even try to build...

greeneyes57 Tue 07-Aug-18 14:31:06

She mostly criticises what I say. For example if we are talking about something and I give my opinion. Apparently my opinion is wrong...... I would be writing a book if I were to tell you all

FlexibleFriend Tue 07-Aug-18 14:31:36

You feel like the child but she's not a child either she's a 35 year old woman, if she's being critical have a grown up conversation and ask her why she thinks that. Rather than take offence just say really you surprise me why do you feel like that and you might just find out. Some people do seem to think it's ok to criticise mum for everything just because they've got different views. What's her new bloke like, can you invite the pair of them to lunch?
Tbh apart from the criticism it just sounds like she's a busy working mum getting on with her life.

Eglantine21 Tue 07-Aug-18 14:33:21

Respect means different things to different people and without specific examples it’s hard to tell what’s going on.

A past neighbour of mine felt that her daughter didn’t respect her and was always negative. But I have been out with her when she has bought things, crockery, accessories, even furniture for her daughters home.

When she visits she tidies, rearranges, makes suggestions as to how the home should be decorated, how the rooms should be used.

It’s all done in the name of helping and supporting and she gets very put out when her daughter firmly (exasperatedly) rejects things and opinions and sometimes isn’t very nice about it.

But who is it that isn’t being respectful?

My friend just can’t see it, even when she’s been told.

greeneyes57 Tue 07-Aug-18 14:42:29

When I give my opinion it is when we talk of worldly subjects or movies we saw or a book we have read. I never get involved in her personal life unless she asks. I ask her about her job ,: how her weekend was. etc. I would just like to feel some endearment from her and some ki d words and affection. Is that asking to much.

FlexibleFriend Tue 07-Aug-18 14:51:13

Oh well she thinks she's better informed than you even if your up to speed with current affairs, personally I'd say there are nicer ways of disagreeing with me you know, just because we disagree doesn't make me wrong, it's just a difference of opinion.Most people don't seem to have much to say about their job tbh, the weekend etc should be safe. What you want isn't asking too much but it's more than she can give, was she ever demonstrative and affectionate? Do you have interests of your own that you can talk about ignoring what she's up to completely.

greeneyes57 Tue 07-Aug-18 15:04:02

When I do talk about things. (Because she never asks what we have done). She seems disinterested. So why bother.

FlexibleFriend Tue 07-Aug-18 15:12:33

Well because she's your daughter and you want to remain on good terms so you get to see more of your grandchild and just keep telling yourself that. Although really why wouldn't you want a good relationship with her? Some things require effort on our part and only you know if that effort is worthwhile.

fluttERBY123 Wed 08-Aug-18 09:45:19

Greeneyes, write the book, write the book. It will help you see things you have not seen before. We are all here. A chapter at a time if you really think it's too long.

Is there an elephant in the room maybe?

Coconut Wed 08-Aug-18 10:00:24

Don’t ask why she is treating you like this, ask why you are allowing it ? I would challenge any rudeness, ask reasons why and try and resolve it as soon as it started..... because if the situation is allowed to fester, it’s then even harder to resolve. Until you get to the reasons why, it will be impossible to move on.

KatyK Wed 08-Aug-18 10:48:49

I have a friend who does everything for her two daughters. They treat her appallingly, often being rude and disrespectful to her in front of other people. She puts up with it as she is afraid of a rift and of not being able to see her grandchildren.

NemosMum Wed 08-Aug-18 10:53:04

Has your daughter mental health problems or perhaps a personality disorder? Sad though it is for you, I doubt if you will change her now. Try to accept that and limit your own emotional reaction, which is based upon your idea of what the relationship should be. In the last analysis, the only thing we can change, is ourselves. That is the stoic attitude, and it has lots to commend it. You have involvement with your grandchild, and that is very good.

Luckylegs9 Wed 08-Aug-18 11:00:08

Paddyann, respect has to be earned, yes I agree with that, but you should never belittle anyone, be rude and upset them, that says more about the daughter than the mother. Totally out of order. I would speak to her Greeneyes and find why she finds the need to be so hurtful, it is unacceptable to make you so upset, she must see how it affects you.