Wedding help with Granny

TBH I think weddings can drag. If the ceremony is in the early afternoon, then there are photos, then the sit- down wedding meal, with speeches, then a lull during which time you realise you have a dull headache from eating late and having one too many glasses of champagne, then there’s a hiatus before the evening guests arrive, during which you make more small talk with someone from you didn’t quite catch where who is related to someone you don’t know, then you have to psyche yourself up for the evening do.....I’m usually ready to call it a day around nine.

As it is a nephews wedding and OP you are not MOB, I think your first responsibility is your elderly mother.
I am rather saddened at the prospect of this elderly lady dumped in the B&B on her own.
There must be some slack in the morning and somebody who cares enough to keep her company.
At DD3’s wedding DH spent the morning in the hotel where we were all staying and both her future FIL and our SIL1 kept him company while the bride, bridesmaids, future MIL and I all had our hair done and dressed.

OP you don't say if your 88 year old mother has dementia or merely mobility problems? My mother is 89 and she would be horrified if I suggested she couldn't go and walk about town - any town on her own! She takes a stroller type zimmer thing and off she goes and sits down as and when she wants but she has the capacity to do this.

If she hadn't I would stay with her and let everyone else get on with the wedding preps t.b.h.

In our case, one relative had mobility problems and one had Vascular Dementia. The other was pretty much OK apart from being thoroughly cantankerous.
If OP mum is suffering from problems with her memory then her safety could be compromised if she were left alone in a strange town/location. Best to have a companion to support her.

I'm sure granny manages to sort her own entertainment out the rest of the year. Let her do what she wants. If she is tired by 8 then book a taxi to take her back to the B&B. Many older people are tired by then anyway. (including me some days)

If your mother has mental capacity then she should be doing whatever she chooses to do and not what someone else thinks she ought to be doing.
If your mother lacks mental capacity then she shouldn't be left alone in a strange place to do anything and you should think about getting someone else to deputise for you regarding the jobs and stay with her.
Sorry if it sounds harsh but as someone who works in elder care it really is that simple.
I hope the wedding goes well and you all have a lovely time.

You have a 'lot to do'...it's your nephew?
Weird.

When my sister got married 5 years,ago, aged 60, I spent the morning and part of the afternoon packing my large flat ready to downsize. (Due to a dysfunctional family I'd been excluded froM the arrangements! ).
At the reception, after a stand up arguement with a nephews girlfriend my daughter and I left at 6.30pm. Ì then spent the rest of the evening packing!
Is there a granddaughter or two who could act as escorts to your mother as she goes shopping? Maybe to include several stops for coffee? I'm sure your mother would be quite happy to do her 'shopping' with company who could also make sure that she got home in plenty of time to get ready. Maybe end the shopping trip with a visit to a hairdressers?

We don't know enough about the situation to judge. Perhaps the nephew doesn't have a mum and the OP is stepping into the gap ? Maybe grandma doesn't realise she's not as well as she used to be ,to wander around a strange town? Perhaps if she gets overtired she will ruin the whole event ? We don't know

For heavens sake! Your mother may be 88, but she is quite capable of making her own decisions. If she wants to go shopping and see the town, why shouldn't she? You do not mention any mental problems that might make this problematic. If she then sleeps through the wedding then that is her problem not yours.

Shame on all those GN members making patronising suggestions about ways to keep her occupied so that she is good and biddable and does exactly what nanny her daughter says as if she was a child.

Is she still able to read? Could you buy her some sort of book or dvd looking back at the days of her youth where she grew up. ? There are lots of books with great historical photos. Amazon pretty good.

I would be inclined to re-allocate the chores you had in mind and spend the morning with your mum. Just sitting around waiting half the day is exhausting in itself. At the end of the day though, you can't please everyone!

If, as you suggest, your mum may not be safe to be out and about in an unknown place on her own then you need to be with her or set up a rota of other family members to take turns to chaperone her as she does what she wants to do.

Breakfast is not usually over until 9:00 at a B&B so unlikely that any outing would realistically begin until at least 9:45/10. If she has a lunch at 12:30-1:00 it will then be time to go back to B&B to rest/ get ready. A couple of other family members could share the morning with you so you each have time to do what you are needed for but your mum is not bored or alone!

Good grief! I hope my DDs don't talk about me like that when I get to 88. I hope that your own children never make you feel like a burden to them when you reach that age either.

make her a hair appointment in one location and a manicure in another - that should keep her happy and out of the way for a bit?

I'm with MOnica on this. The mother is 88, not 188. I'm not so far off that age (88), if someone suggested i do a little ironing or sort through some photos to occupy my time, whilst hiding me away from the world, I'd be mortified. I'd pack my bags and be off.

If the lady wants to look around the town, why not? There are taxis everywhere these days, her B&B owners will give her the telephone numbers.

Just how cruel can some people be? Its good to remember that, if we are fortunate enough, we may be that granny one day and hope for a better understanding from the people around us who claim to love us, always, not just when it suits them.

When my DS got married my mum was 90. We spent the morning getting ready, she did the wedding. (about 2pm), the meal, rested a bit then the evening do, retiring about midnight to her hotel room "so you young ones can enjoy yourselves." I'm so pleased I spent the time with her it was her last wedding. Whatever you "have to do" NanaNancy try to spend time with her, you never know.

I agree with M0nica and all the others who make the poor woman sound either as if she is a nuisance to be “parked” or a skivvy.
Surely there will be other family members going to the wedding who might like to meet her for coffee if her own daughter is too “busy” .
I also feel there is a bleak future ahead for some of us if this is what we can look forward to in our eighties. God help us.

I’m with pamdixon on this. Book her a hairdo, manicure and makeup, just as the bride and bridesmaids will be doing. That won’t tire her too much and she’ll feel glamorous and enjoy the compliments.

I assume she usually has a carer if she cannot be trusted in the town or to make decisions herself. If so where is the carer, if not then she must be quite capable of choosing how to spend her time.

Leave her to decide what she wants to do instead or trying to organise her, she is an adult. By 8 she will probably have had enough, as I would, and want to go and rest. If not does it matter if she chooses to stay and be cranky its all part of the family.

When DS got married in 2003 my father was 87. He drove himself up from Sussex to York. Stayed in the house we had rented and stayed on afterwards for a short holiday before driving himself home again.

He knew exactly how to pace himself and thoroughly enjoyed the whole event from start to finish, even if he did need to take it easy for a couple of days when he got home. He lived independently, organising and running his own life until he died after a short illness, aged 92.

Stop stereotyping people by age.

Its possible that dashing all over town is wishful thinking and when it comes to it she will be quite happy to take the day more slowly. If she is normally out and about I don't see how you can stop her because you are not there. I am not sure she will want to go to a strange hairdresser but you could suggest it and ask if she wants a taxi. If you have told her she is under your wing for 3 days she will probably expect you to be there knowing very elderly mothers!

Three day event! I thought that was something horsey, not a wedding!

(I now have visions of the bride and groom doing dressage, cross country and a bit of show jumping for good measure)

I think that NanaNancy has mentioned that her mother may have early signs of dementia:
due to the starting signs of diminishing "brain power

so I don't think finding her something enjoyable to do towards the wedding is patronising or unreasonable. The main thing is to ask her what she would like to do - and if it's just an hour's shopping then perhaps someone could go with her, book a taxi to and fro. She may be happy to have her hair done, arrange the photos - but she does need to be consulted.

Yes, I've cared for both Mums, NanaNancy - my DM, disabled but loved going out still and seeing new places, and my MIL too - if anyone suggested to her that perhaps she shouldn't go shopping she would say 'But you don't understand, dear, I want to go' and she would just go!