Childish husband/grandparent

It’s all very well for those whose DH’s are prepared to sit down and discuss, but there are plenty of others who seem to get grumpier and more childish as they age.

Getting old can mean getting set in their ways. Add to this mix hearing loss (that’s harder than many realise), aches and pains, more easily tired, not sleeping well, MCI, etc and live can become difficult for some couples.

It’s especially difficult when one partner is more active and outgoing.

We look after two dgc 10 and 7 on one day each week. On a separate day we look after their cousin who is 2 yrs. There is also the occasional sleep over.
There are also days when one parent is not working and will say.... have a day off.
You can see my dh's face change when he realises they won't be with us as anticipated.
This means that generally speaking, we give 2 days a week childcare with meals and homeworks done where necessary.

We have 6 dgc. Genetically, 5 are his, 1 is mine. Three are abroad and it is the 3 who are local that we help out with ... and are 'really his'.
But not really we love and care for them all equally no matter whose is whose.

I purposely use 'we'. Happily we both do everything that is involved in their care for the day. It helps that one dad when leaving says to his two.... Don't forget - Granny's got the power !! The power being the authority to remove ipads or games at any time for any reason, without argument.

If a girly lunch falls on a day we have the dgc he is happy that I take myself off for 2 or 3 hours. (If I'm off out I delegate the power to Granda )
By the same token if one of dh's sport hobbies falls on a day we have the dgc he goes off to it without diffs. It's swings and roundabouts.

We are fortunate that we agree on the amount of care and the matter of discipline etc. We also both agree very firmly that we don't want to do any more than we are doing at present. The exception of course being an emergency.

I choose to be a hands on grandparent does rather sound like I, Me, Myself

Surely there should be some discussion and compromise?

“I choose to be a hands on grandparent”, sounds to me like, “ I choose to be an unpaid babysitter”.
He’s done his time and wants to enjoy his retirement. Cut him some slack!

sorry, I don't know where that 8 came from

pollyperkins8 good post, I agree

Thanks Sodapop. On re-reading this thread I think I went a bit OTT earlier but was thinking also of another current thread about an 'unreasonable' husband where a lot of the advice was quite unnecessarily aggressive (towards husband) I thought. There is a place for tolerance, discussion, compromise etc. I am not, and never will be, a doormat, but do try to think of his point of view too and we manage to rub along ok.

I agree with you pollyperkins whatever happened to tolerance and compromise. As for the 'dump him' brigade words fail me, if its not that they are diagnosing the poor person with all manner of mental health problems.

Once again I am amazed at people's attitudes to husbands and marriage. I suppose I am lucky in the my H does help - He decided to take on some extra household tasks when he retired although I still do all the cooking and washing up!). But surely in order to live happily together (we have been married nearly 50 years) there has to be some give and take and essentially we need to be kind and tolerant towards each other. I wouldn't dream of committing myself to something long term without discussing it with him first (and nor would he). Yes of course we have rows sometimes and I give as good as I get but we both back off before it becomes serious.
There seems to be a tendency on GN for some posters simply to say 'dump him' or words to that effect if there's any kind of disagreement!

Talking about how your retirement plans would help. If you explain you want to help with grandkids and then maybe some time with him, and perhaps he could join you on an odd jolly.

I quote from elsewhere:

Sulking and withdrawing from arguments are primary strategies of the passive aggressive person. Passive aggression is a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings of anger or resentment and is considered to be a form of emotional abuse, designed to wound the other, while keeping true feelings hidden. The aggressor wants to get their point across but don’t want to appear explicitly aggressive. And they still want to be liked by the person they’re behaving passively aggressive with.

Lots of the advice posted here identifies this and points to the ways to deal with it: Visualise all the good things in your life so you remain positive, acknowledge the other person's upset, and start a dialogue about the issue. Look after yourself and your friends and family and above all don't take any blame for the silences and lack of discussion.

I think your husband is being rather unreasonable because the amount of childcare you will be doing in term time is hardly excessive. You have 4 days a week without any child to care for but of course virtually every other weekend during the football season he is away from home for 3 of those days. So maybe for 8 months of the year. Before you started looking after your grandchildren did you out together a lot enjoying some shopping and a leisurely lunch and even go away for a few days at a time? I ask this because about 13 years ago I was doing a VLC Diet and my DH was forever complaining that we could go out for meal if I wasn't on that stupid diet. My DM who lived with us had had enough and in the end she just said to him " you never wanted to go out for meals before my DD was on this diet so what's so different now?" It did stop him moaning. If nothing has changed then he is being sulky for no real reason

My Partner used to do the silent treatment to me, but would never say what the problem was, indeed, if it was even me! I used to beg him to talk to me, but he wouldn't.
I used to cry my eyes out, fear being in the same room as him because the atmosphere was horrendous, and ALWAYS blamed myself for his sulky moods.
Then one day, I decided enough was enough !!!
I totally ignored him. I refused to play the victim. I shrugged my shoulders and told him to just get on with it. Actuallly Gransnetters, I told him that he was a right miserable !!@@* and then went off to do my own thing.
Best thing that I have ever done. The sulks have diminished enormously, and I no longer tell myself that I am to blame if he does have one which is quite rare now. I just totally ignore him now and leave him to wallow in his own misery. He comes out of it and is then absolutely fine.
If I had not adopted this way of coping, I would have left him years ago. I just smile and think Bless his heart, he is just a miserable sod, but he is my miserable sod. ?

Definitely wouldn’t be doing the meals 4awk. Or the washing. Or anything really.

The lover is upstairs on his computer. His washing is on the line where he hung it this morning. It’s going to rain on it in a minute

As I am feeling kindly I might go and put the M&S ready meal in the oven in half an hour.

You’re right there does need to be compromise. ?

Stella1949 - good for you! Family comes first. Too many men have been indulged by women all their lives. You tackled it and it worked.

I have the opposite situation. Both retired and over past couple of years DH has become engrossed in his hobbies. If he isnt in his own shed then he is at a Men's Shed or volunteering with the NT. I have my own outside interests. The rub is that DH just ups and offs and comes back looking for meals just to appear regardless of what I have been doing. Had a bit of a barny a couple of weeks ago and he seems not to stay so long which is much better. We have space to do something together, even sit in rhe garden for an hour chatting given the lovely weather. There needs to be some sort of compromise so that one doesn't feel forgotten.

That's a sweeping statement Lilyflower. Not all men are are selfish and arrogant in the same way all women are not downtrodden hausfraus.

Lilyflower We look after our families, doing everything we can to make their lives as good as they can be within the constraints of time and money, and still we are in the wrong for not being assertive enough!
I really become so sad when I hear about women still doing the lion's share of work in the home after both are retired.
Me? I was assertive about shared work in the home and with the children, and am lucky enough to be divorced.

Oh SueG1954 I feel your pain. My OH has become similarly needy since we retired. He seems to find it impossible to entertain himself and resents anything I want to do on my own.
I make sure we do things together, but I’ve always been independent and I don’t see why that should change now we’re retired. I think it’s healthy to have separate interests - he doesn’t and says he feels left out.
We have the GC to stay on a regular basis (none of them live locally) and he gets involved to some extent, but criticises me constantly for doing too much.

How I envy you that you get time alone when your OH goes away, wish mine did ?

Are you sure we're not married to the same man? I look after my grandchild twice a week and my DH thinks it is too much having the toys in place for him, the time earmarked, etc, etc. It is one of the joyous things I do and I would not ask him to give it up if the situation was reversed and it annoys the heck out of me if I am having a difficult time with said grandchild and DH makes a snarky comment about how it is supposed to be a pleasure. It doesn't help that my DS sometimes takes liberties with coming home on time or me still having my DGS when they take a day off. However, in the past I have done the same for his DGS so I remind him of that when he has a funny 5 minutes. I do take my DGS out as much as possible so he isn't getting into my DH's space but I think to make me stop the care is asking to much. I wouldn't take on anything else though knowing how he feels. That is my compromise

I'd better wash my mouth out, my mother would have had a fit!

CF= Cheeky F####r!

I can't begin to imagine what a CF is !!

When I retired early my DH carried on working. In order to do my bit I took every household responsibility and task off his shoulders and also forewent the travel and holidays we agreed together we wanted to undertake in order that he could be available to his bosses to work. I also virtually stopped buying anything for myself and hardly had a new piece of clothing in five years. We also stopped going out for any meals - even a cup of tea in a cafe.

These concessions turned out to be a move which seriously backfired when he was made redundant. The DH did not consider that I had been doing my bit while he did his but took it for granted that I would carry on doing everything while he swanned off and joined a society which took up increasing amounts of time capriciously and also cut across the time we had to travel. Not to mention that he was now spending an amount of our ever dwindling resources on his club.

The whole thing blew up and we rowed horrendously and I was driven to give him the choice: the society or me. I honestly thought he'd opt for the society and divorce he seemed to care so little. He didn't and we are trying to make a compromise work. I still think, however, he blames me for being a dog in the manger because I foolishly put myself in a position of low status and he took me at my own estimation.

Never, ever appease a man. They are basically selfish and arrogant and will take advantage thinking they are only doing what is the natural order.

I do love my DH very much but he has behaved like what the Mumsnet commenters call a CF!

All our gc live 150 miles + away. If they lived round the corner and we were doing masses of childcare I guess it would cause major marital distress!