Childish husband/grandparent

I couldn't live with someone that needy .I like my own space so giving my (much loved) OH attention 24/7 is a definite no.If he doesn't want to be involved in childcare then tell him he needs to find other things to keep himself amused while you enjoy your time with them,and that he can sulk all he likes and it will make no difference to you

Sounds like a heart to heart chat is called for. Have either of you actually consulted each other on the way you want to spend your retirement. Compromise is called for, you are doing 4 days a week child care if you include your husband's family. Not sure how much time he spends going to football.
A reduction on both fronts maybe and arrange to do some of the things you both enjoy now you have free time. Sulking is difficult to deal with I know, happened to me for similar reasons, I called him on it and we had the mother of all rows but it cleared the air. We then talked and agreed compromises. Good luck.

I agree with sodapop. You need to discuss what you each want from.retirement both separately and together and the both, if necessary, be willing to make a few compromises so that both your needs and expectations are met! That is, if you actually want to spend part of your retirement doing things with him....?

Perhaps he should simply involve himself with the GC and it could be a joint enterprise.

He might find out that he liked the GC

As others have said you need a full and frank discussion as to what you both want from retirement and how to apportion your time.

My husband is hands on when our grandchildren come to us, although he does stress there are limitations as to how often he wants to do child care, certainly not four days a week. He's had 4 children and has 5 grandchildren, although only 2 of each are ours together, undoubtedly family is a very important part of his life, but so is his hobby, golf, which he plays 3 times a week to keep fit, plus the male camaraderie sid of things. I think life is about balance ideally. Time for yourself, for each other and for family and friends, anything can become all encompassing whether it be a sport or looking after grandchildren. Grandparents have been through it all once, to have it again to almost the same degree, could be a bone of contention, not everyone wants to be a "professional grandparent".

Sulking is difficult to deal with though, especially from the grandparent

Thank you Aggie. He does love the grandchildren. Just is struggling with the school holidays taking up my attention. Whilst he sits at the computer all day. He is asked if he would like to join us on days out, but the reply is you go.

Hi Terri. His hobby is football or playing solutaireon the computer. I ask him to join us on days out only to be told you go. My daughter was not fortunate enough to have grandparents in her life as they died very young. I share my time and try to keep everyone happy. Our grandchildren love to hug my leg and say thank you for a lovely day out.

Did you speak to him before you committed you both to the childcare?

Maybe he thought that retirement meant going out or away together, not looking after children all over again.

I don’t think he sounds childish, maybe he wanted to whisk you off on long holidays?

I'm in a similar situation - 2nd marriage and all the GC are "mine" from my first marriage. He has 3 AC but they have no children.

I spend part of every day with my sons's children, taking them to and from school . I also spend Fridays with my daughter's children after school and in the evening. During the school holidays we often have grandchildren here all the time. I love every minute of it.

This has been my life for the last 3 years, since my son became a single father. Before that DH and I had 10 years together , blissfully retired, travelling, doing all the nice things we'd dreamed of . At first when the "child care " started he was absolutely aghast....I'd say that we came close to splitting up at that point. With three sons living 1,000km away and no GC he just wasn't prepared for any of this, and he didn't want to share our time together with these little people.

I handled his sulking very bluntly - I told him that these children are his grandchildren as much as they are mine, and that if he wanted to be with me he'd better pull his finger out and start acting like a grandfather instead of a sulky child. I made it very clear that if it came to a choice between my blood family and him, I'd leave in a minute. I told him to get off his computer and start actually doing things with them, "or else". He did, and now 3 years down the track he is a much loved granddad who spends almost as much time with them as I do.

If you let your DH sit on his computer / go off to the football and ignore the GC, he'll keep on doing it. Men don't change unless they have a reason to - stop giving him the choice of whether he joins in or not. Otherwise years will go by and he'll stay the same. Don't let him get away with it or you'll drift apart . Good luck to you.

Mine gets involved with my 2 dgc when they visit (they live nearby). He man's the bbq, takes charge of the marble mountain and helps build the Lego and Scalextric, and clears up afterwards. We only tend to have them here once a week though. I don't know that he could cope with more.

Well, I suppose for every hands on grandparent, there are others who choose not to be.
Its the 'expectations' issue again.

My Ex thought days off and retirement would be spent together, his idea of together and mine were wildly different. He'd spend his days off watching crap tv while I did all the DIY, gardening, housework etc. He'd do the shopping with me because I can't walk unaided and that was it. I had no intention of spending all day every day doing that and told him so. I'd already taken early retirement and he thought the best solution was to divorce and tbh I couldn't come up with a single reason to disagree. I'm so much happier on my own, of course I still do everything but no longer resent someone sitting on their backside leaving me to get on with it and on line shopping replaced his contribution to our lives. I thought I'd miss his income which was rather good but it sees he must have been spending that on himself because here I am in the same house, paying the same bills and don't have any money worries and can spend what I want on what I want without someone saying "HOW MUCH" lol this is much more my idea of retirement. I think I should be able to find something I miss but I truly can't and that speaks volumes.

I think you’re a bit unfair to call him childish just because he doesn’t want to do what you want to do. You could equally say you’re being childish to have things your way and expect him to go along with it.

I don’t know what else to say really except neither of you sound like people that work together as a partnership or make compromises.

No solution really is there?

I’d dump him.

I think I’d dump anyone who had organised four days of childcare a week and more in the school holidays and thought I should be joining in.
You wouldn’t see me for dust!

Yes EglantineI agree with you. It is not unreasonable of him to expect you to do things together now you are retired., after all you did marry him. The gc children are their parents responsibility and I think it’s fair to help out on an ad hoc basis but doing what you are doing, a big no.

My childcare in term time consists of collecting my grandson from school on three days at 3pm. The rest of the day is to do what we wish as is Monday and Tuesday. Saturday and Sunday. Only on a Friday will I have my 2 year old grandchild. But every other week my H. Will travel on a Friday to his football destination and come back on Monday. But I say this is his hobby and am happy he does this.

The point isn't really about your childcare commitments/ his football hobby. The point is reaching a compromise that suits both of you about what you want to do in retirement! Only you two can do that and what suits you might not suit everyone else, just as others solutions might not suit you.

Eglantine

I choose to be a hands on grandparent.
That's what you choose SueG - is your DH childish because it is not what he chooses to do in his retirement?

As Madgran says, you need to find a compromise - where you can fulfil your dreams of childcare, he can watch his football and you can both find time to go out or away on holiday together.

Is he OK? Does he feel well?

"Any idea how to resolve these long silences."

Ask him to have a calm discussion with you. Be prepared to take his views seriously and to consider changing your attitude to childcare commitments.

If he won't discuss, though, then stop thinking about his sulking and get on with what you want to do.

That's it in a nut shell FarNorth.

Ok your involved with gc but can’t you make time to go out together another day, have a meal somewhere or a coffee and lunch a walk I think it sounds as if your letting the gc take over your life and if he’s off somewhere then you need to make time for one another. .